The Evening Farm Report-Spring Equinox Edition

by Lynn Stadel 7 months ago in humanity

An excerpt from a fictional newspaper, loosely based on fact.

The Evening Farm Report-Spring Equinox Edition

The prairie suffered the long harsh winter, but the snows have melted leaving behind the fresh air of early spring. Tiny rabbit's foot buds adorn the baby pussy willow tree. Soon the soft buds will yield brilliant yellow flowers, and Beau, the hummingbird, will perch at the top, while he guards his favorite feeder. Queenie and Beau return every year to Farmer Lynn’s garden to raise up their young amongst the tall pines, and lipstick-red petunias. Farmer Lynn can’t wait to see them again this year. Currently the hummingbirds are in Missouri, and The Evening Farm Report encourages you to check out the hummingbird migration map to watch their progress north.

In other news this evening, President D. Gene has been busy touring America. Glad handing, and pinching babies is a never ending job in the political realm, but rest assured the president has it handled. While enjoying a brief visit to the farm last week, President D. Gene demonstrated an age old practice called, dowsing. Or in the presidents terms, “witchin sticks.” The president took two welding rods, and bent each into an L shape. He then held each witchin stick by the short ends of the L’s, and promised Farmer Lynn that he could find various things underground. The Evening Farm Report overheard Farmer Lynn mumbling something like, “what kind of voodoo is he up to now?” Off they went in the estate car, flying two forty through the field, kicking up mud, and scaring up the squirrels. The president explained that his dowsing rods would find the field tile that had water running through it. They stopped at the swale that runs along the south pasture. President D. Gene ceremoniously took his witchin sticks in hand, and began to walk towards the swale. As he approached the edge, the dowsing rods began to move towards one another. When the president was directly over the field tile, the rods crossed forming an X. Looking up at Farmer Lynn, the president had a big grin on his face, and said, “see, I told you I’d find water!” Farmer Lynn was amazed, but wanted to learn the science behind it all, however it wasn’t lost on her that the president put the field tile in himself. The president also found the underground electrical line that services the Oval Office, but did not bury that particular line himself. So, you be the judge. Dowsing to date is still considered pseudoscience, and there is no scientific evidence that it is any more effective than random chance. However, The Evening Farm Report is dually impressed at the accuracy of the president's dowsing rods. This little scientific experiment goes to show us that the ways and wisdom of yesteryear still remain relevant in our computer driven world today.

The market today is experiencing a depression. Lean hogs, milk, corn, soybeans, and feeder cattle are down by at least a point, sometimes two, as of closing bell. However, if you were a farmer worth your salt, you were sure to overseed with oats, which are a whopping three points in the black! You’ll be whistling a tune all the way to the bank.

Spring has sprung in many ways! The calendar told us it was here, the hibernating animals are wallering about with soft, sleepy faces, and the trees have begun to bud. Unfortunately for allergy sufferers this means the pollen count has begun to rise. The Evening Farm Report urges you to stock up on your favorite allergy pills and tissues, as its looking to be a pollen befogged spring. Doc Marshall wants you to know that during the Spring Fling dance, the clinic will be setting up a booth with the other vendors this year. The clinic plans on handing out complimentary samples of hand sanitizer, and travel packs of Kleenex for your nose honking pleasure. Do sanitize your hands afterward.

The McMayberry FFA is holding their annual Spring Fling dance in April! The co-op was generous enough to lend a hand in offering up the co-op meeting barn for the venue. The FFA kids are already hard at work collecting donations for decorations and food. Please be generous. Last year's dance proved to be quite the ruckus when it was discovered that Old Farmer Fitzpatrick spiked the punch bowl with moonshine. This year the punch bowl will be heavily guarded by The Natural Born Tillers Garden Club. Those ladies know how to use a trowel. For those farmers of all left feet, The Bootjack Card Club will be hosting a Euchre tournament during the dance. So plan on dancing the night away one last time before the tillers hit the ground, and the planters get loaded!’

This has been your Spring Equinox edition of The Evening Farm Report. May rain fall softly on your fields, your harrow discs be sharp, and your love for rural life be everlasting.

Lynn Stadel
Lynn Stadel
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Lynn Stadel

 God has given me a writers heart and I owe everything I ever was and all that I am and everything I ever might be to Him.

See all posts by Lynn Stadel