The Dating Scene

Brian squeezed the reassuring weight of a bottle of red wine in one hand as he trod the four familiar sandstone steps to the portico. The brass door-knocker clattered under his hand, above it, at eye level, an engraved plaque read: Saint Cecilia’s Philanthropic Society for Actors, Acting, and Diverse Arts.

The door creaked slowly, slowly…swinging inwards, and from the gloom inside a sonorous, bell-toned voice echoed, “You rang.”

“Evening Alex; and no I knocked actually”

“Yeah, well, whatever. Get inside muppet. Ah excellent! You’ve brought me my evening libation!”

“Oi! Hands off there fingers.”

Alex sighed, “Sadly not the first man to say that to me. I take it the wine is for Julie? She’s waiting for you in the Blue Room.”

“Thanks. Oh and while a remember,” Brian fumbled in his pocket briefly and handed Alex a memory stick, “here’s the latest version of the script for ‘Who’s Hugh’.”

“That was quick. Did you get all the changes we worked up in yesterday’s rehearsal?”

“Yeah, worked on it pretty late last night.”

“Well, cheers for that, I’m off. Have a good night!” He waggled his eye-brows suggestively. Brian rolled his eyes in response as Alex turned to go. The door closed behind him leaving Brian in the gloom of the entry hall. He let out a long, steadying breath before shuffling down the hall to the blue door on the left. The old-fashioned brass door-knob was cool in his left hand, his right squeezed the fortifying bottle of wine again. Last chance to back out. He could just go home right? Maybe work on the script some more. He jerked the door knob open before he could think any more.

“Hello Brian!” Julie bounced up out of her seat as Brian edged in. She hitched her yellow, cable-knit sweater back onto a bare shoulder and tucked back some errant strands of red hair.

“Uh, hi Julie…um.”

“Well get in here, muppet! Right, you brought the wine? Good. Ooh a Barossa Valley Merlot – very nice,” she arched an eyebrow, “looking to spoil a girl.”

“Uh, well, I thought that, you know, for a date I’d splurge right. I mean, for the real date, you know… not that this isn’t, uh.”

Julie shook her head in sympathetic disbelief, “I know what you mean, muppet; now just chill. Seriously, twenty-seven and never been on a date. Right, so I’ll be Anna, the ever-so…” she slowly rolled the word around her mouth, “delectable… Anna – and you be you. Wait, when’s your date again?”

“Next Friday.”

“Excellent. We can do another practice next week when you need it.”

“Mmm, thanks, I think?”

“You’re welcome! I do like to help my friends out.”

“Actually, really thanks, Julie. It’s good of you to spare the time.”

“Hey, if you got the wine, then I got the time.”

“So… now what?”

“What now what?”

“Well how do I start the date?”

“Really? Well you open up the choke, pull the rip cord a few times and cuss it ‘til the engine turns over.” Julie stopped at Brian’s mortified expression, “Sorry muppet, I’m just teasing. Look, you’ll be fine – you are fine. You start the date by walking in and saying ‘Hi Anna you look gorgeous,’ even if she’s just finished a 12 hour shift in a… a… a piggery. Here, you try.”

“Hi Anna, you look gorgeous, even if you have just finished your shift at the piggery.”

Julie tilted her head and frowned quizzically at him, “That wasn’t a joke was it.”

“What wasn’t?”

“The piggery thing.”

“Well, um. Oh dammit, it’s just I’m so nervous, I’m all at sixes and sevens over the whole thing.”

“Really? You’re all at sixes and sevens are you, Mister Darcy? Anyway, best ‘crack on’ before they need you back in the 18th century.”

“Oi! I’ll take this home and drink it myself.”

“Oh you utter, utter cad, how could you dare to threaten a lady so. Alright, alright,” she held up placating hands, “I’ll play nice. Look, it’s more like a performance – you’ve seen plenty of stage plays, pretend you’re in one of them.”

“But I’m not used to performing on stage like you – I get nervous just thinking about going on stage.”

Julie laughed and hitched her jumper back onto her shoulder, “What, you think I don’t get nervous on stage? Of course I do. That’s part of why I rehearse, so I can cope with it – and you’ve seen how much we rehearse your plays. So just… just think of this as a rehearsal for your latest play.”

“Yeah but in Who’s Hugh he’s meant to stuff up his lines, it’s a farce.”

“Well you’re ahead already then. Now lets take it from the top. Ok, go…”

“Hi Anna, you look gorgeous.”

Julie surveyed his expression of pained hope.

“Right. Yes. Yes, that’s good…ish. Maybe though, try for a touch less Terminator and a tad more Colin Firth.”

“Hmmf. You just like Colin Firth because of that scene in Pride and Prejudice.”

“That’s not true. I also like him in the scene in Love Actually where they’re rescuing the pages of his manuscript from the lake.”

“True, that was a good scene, I quite liked it.”

“Why do I suspect that has more to do with the Spanish girl prancing about in her bra and knickers.”

Brian shrugged, “You brought it up.”

“Hmm, yes, well. Ok, on to the next step. We might pass on holding the chair out for the lady to sit, that’s the advanced stuff and I don’t want you to injure yourself. Let’s assume Anna knows how to operate a chair under her own steam and move to pouring the wine. Take a seat,” Julie motioned to one of the wooden props chairs at the rickety table, and took the other chair herself. “Now, pouring the wine,”

“I’m fairly sure I know my way round a bottle of red. You take the lid off and stick some in a glass.”

“Yep, that’s the theory, now hurry up with the practical.”

He handed the filled glass to her and she took a long, luxuriant sip and sighed contentedly,

“One thing you do know is how to pick a wine. Right, now engage in some light conversation.”

“Light conversation with Anna, right. So… what do you think of the weather lately?”

Julie winced and took a large sip of her wine, “Let’s keep weather as a last resort, you need to find subjects you have in common to some degree, that are interesting but not too intense. The two of us right, we could talk about some of productions we’ve done.”

“We’ve done a lot,” Brian smiled reflectively, “which was your favourite?”

“I liked ‘Dancing Coast to Coast’, Lola and Ray have some absolute classic lines,” she turned her head to look across her shoulder at him, faux dramatic, “You know, you’re the sweetest boy this side of Brooklyn.”

Brian laughed and automatically responded in a bad Brooklyn accent, “And babe, you’re the hottest thing LA ever cooked up!”

“Loved the music too,” Julie closed her eyes and clicked her fingers to an imagined beat and hummed a snazzy jazz riff, “Alex was on fire when he wrote those tunes,” she glanced up at Brian, “only person who could have matched your writing.”

For a moment, Brian sat very still, and stared at his glass, “I think that might be the nicest compliment anyone’s given me. Ever. Alex is a musical genius, or very nearly; to say my writing…”

Julie reached over and pressed his arm, “Hey muppet, why do you think it was our highest paying performance? Why do you think people came back to watch it a second time?”

“Honestly? I thought you in the scanty dress and sequins had a fair bit to do with it. And then there was, you know,” he blushed, “the kissing scene.”

“Meh, mighta helped, but it was the whole deal that sold it. Anyway,” Julie continued briskly, “speaking of the kissing scene, we have to look at the ever-so-crucial, Good Night Kiss.”

“The uh, the goodnight uh… kiss? You mean like with Anna?”

“Unless you wanna kiss the waiter, then yes, with Anna.”

“Oh I don’t know, I mean, it’s a first date. She won’t want to kiss that soon.”

“Brian, by the end of an evening with you I guarantee she’ll want a good night kiss. Either that or to pull her hair out in frustration.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind; you’ll be having a kiss. It won’t be an over the top effort, you’ll just give her a compliment, then have a quick smooch.”

“There’s a compliment now?”

Julie pinched the bridge of her nose, “Yes Brian, yes there’s a compliment. It’s hard to have too many compliments on a date.”

“Ok, ok. I give a compliment and then we have a quick kiss.”

“Right. Give it a go.”

“Anna, it’s been a nice night, and I really loved your shoes.”

“Oh God. Brian, how is it, that in ‘Dancing Coast to Coast’ you can write one of the steamiest, most sexually taut scenes I’ve ever known – and both people are fully dressed on opposite sides of the stage – and yet the compliment you come up with is: nice shoes.”

“Well it’s easy in the play – it’s easy for Ray to talk to Lola because he’s, well, Ray.”

“Then say what Ray would say! How would he compliment his date?”

Brian paused and thought briefly, then reached across to take Julie’s hand and squeezed it lightly and looked into her face, “Julie, I’ve been waiting 20 years for this date – and it was well worth the wait; but let’s not wait so long for the next one.”

Julie flushed slightly and turned her head, “That’s more like it, though perhaps you should address it to Anna, not me, when you’re on your date.”

“Yeah, it’s just you’re easier to think of.”

“Because I’m sitting in front of you, yeah. When Anna’s there, it’ll be different.”

“Maybe I guess, but also you just spring to mind. It’s easy to think of compliments for you.”

“You know, you really are the sweetest boy this side of Brooklyn.”

“And LA don’t know what they’re missing,” he smiled fondly and squeezed Julie’s hand again.

She placed a hand on his cheek and leaned forward. He startled briefly then, “Oh right, good night kiss.”

“Shut up. Just shut up and let it be me for this moment and not Anna.”

After a long moment they drew apart. Julie looked away, then picked up her glass and studied the wine as she swirled it around. Brian frowned thoughtfully, “You know, I don’t think we got that quite right.”

Julie sighed, “No Brian, the kiss was fine.”

“Oh I didn’t mean the kiss, I meant the whole date. There’s no helping it I’m afraid; I’m just going to have to call Anna and ask for a rain check – a long rain check. I think we need to practice a bit more. Actually I think I’ll need to practice with you for a few more years.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”