The Beginner’s Guide to Dating for Introverted Gay Guys

It goes without saying that dating as a gay man can be tricky at best. Even the coolest, most confident guy occasionally has trouble reading signals or mustering up the gumption to approach someone that really makes him weak in the knees. If you’re actually super shy and introverted, all of those things become even harder.

Don’t lose hope yet though. It’s possible for even the shyest, most retiring gay men to have hot, satisfying dating lives. All you need is a little know-how as far as how to approach things. The following tips can definitely help.

Redefine how you see being shy.

Gay or straight, being shy is never easy. If you’re like most people, you’ve been conditioned to see it as a drawback your entire life—something to be overcome or, at the very least, downplay to the greatest extent possible. Well, it’s officially time to flip that script.

Being shy is part of who you are, so it’s not something you should apologize for. Instead, try seeing it as an asset. Among other things, shy people make amazing listeners. They can be sensitive, intuitive, insightful, and thoughtful as well—all qualities many people find profoundly attractive.

Be upfront about your shyness.

Most people are more intuitive than we want to give them credit for, so even if you haven’t met in person yet, the guy you have in mind has probably picked up on your shyness. If they haven’t though, take some of the pressure off of yourself by telling them right out of the gate that you’re on the shy side so they have a heads up.

Making the other person aware straight away doesn’t just tell them a bit about what they can expect from you. It will also make it a lot easier for you. You’ll feel less inhibited and less pressured to pretend to be extroverted.

Plan your date with care.

When you’re shy, setting really counts when it comes to dating. (After all, getting to know someone new is nerve-wracking enough, even if you’re not really looking for anything serious.) That said, unless you’re feeling extra comfortable with the person, a first gay date really isn’t the time for an all-day activity. What if you don’t hit it off for some reason?

Instead, pick a short, accessible activity that doesn’t come attached to a huge time commitment. Also, pick a setting that you love and feel comfortable at already (e.g. your favorite local coffeehouse). If you’re getting along by the time you’ve both finished your lattes, you can always suggest another activity. If not, no pressure. You can both go home without things feeling weird. And here some more tips for introverted gays who enjoy dating!

Be mindful of your body language.

When you’re shy, it’s easy to not only be on the defensive, but to look like you are. That can easily give even a guy you’re crazy about the wrong impression. Becoming more mindful of your body language and focusing on adapting it accordingly can really help though. Choose open body language whenever possible. Examples include putting your hands on your hips, as opposed to sticking them in your pockets or folding your arms.

Not only does this help send the right message to your date, but it actually makes you feel more confident as well. Studies actually show that the mere act of adopting a power pose causes your brain to respond by releasing chemicals related to confidence. On the flip side, adopting passive postures like slouching can cause your brain to release hormones related to anxiety instead.

Ask the right questions.

Even if you’re only planning on a hookup, conversation is still an absolute must when you’re meeting up with another guy—something that’s always a challenge for shy people. You can’t simply rely on your date to keep the conversation flowing all by himself though, but don’t worry. It’s easier to keep things flowing than you realize.

Avoid asking closed-ended questions that prompt simple yes or no answers. It forces an otherwise great conversation to stop, and start, and stop again… uncomfortably. Instead, ask open-ended questions that open the door to lots of stimulating discussion and help everything flow naturally.

Know your type.

There are two types of shy gay guys in the world. The first type understandably feels most at home around other shy people—people that get what they’re all about from actual personal experience. The second type actually prefers being around more outgoing people because such folks are all too happy to do all the work that comes along with socializing.

Figure out which type you are and choose your dates accordingly, as both have their advantages. If you’re not sure, try mindfully dating both types of guys for a while to see which one feels like a better fit. You’ll be dating like a pro before you know it!