The Basic Rules of Decent Communication with Those You Love

Most people have kindergarten-level relating skills in their communication toolbox. We weren’t all taught to communicate well.

What does it mean to communicate well? Listening well has a lot to do with it, but so often, people get hung up on judgmentality. We are stopped in our tracks when we hear someone else’s judgmental tone when it relates to us.

Emotional mastery (emotional intelligence) or mind mastery (how we think) are simply teachings we absorb or didn’t absorb in the culture.

In the matrix (society) in which we grow up, we are taught to communicate violently — defend, attack, conceal, manipulate, and many other modes of aggressive communication.

So often people react and defend their stance with communication that separates. Twitter is an example. Go spend some time on Twitter, and you will understand the interaction that best illustrates this.

When you focus on someone else’s judgment of you and respond with an attack, defend, conceal, manipulate, or scapegoat — these are not good rules to follow in relating to others, especially with those you love.

It takes practice and patience to become emotionally aware and an evolved communicator.

But they’re tools you can use for better relatedness.

First, we have to define communication.

There are three essential elements of communication.

1. Data

Example — You are sitting in a room. You are wearing a red shirt. You have dark brown hair. You are reading this on a computer (or a smartphone). Today is Wednesday.

Pure data. Data is one of the things we communicate.

The second thing we communicate is,

2. Judgment

You have pretty brown hair. I love your red shirt. It’s Wednesday, I don’t like Wednesdays.

And then there is,

3. Attitude

We all have a vibrational frequency by which we communicate attitude.

I really, really like your brown hair. Oh man, that’s a really cool red shirt, where did you get that? F*ck Wednesdays.

Attitude is what people feel when we talk to them.

When we talk to each other, misunderstandings usually arise around judgment, often when judgment meets attitude.

We don’t learn to separate the three elements of communication. If we did, we have better connections with people.

We hear someone’s judgment, or we sense the judgment, and we are triggered — it is often all we hear and focus on. At the same time, we pronounce our own beliefs as if they are written on tablets by God. Check out Twitter or Facebook.

One of the basics of good communication is understanding that judgment is just that, a judgment. It is a perception at the moment. Five seconds later, you could have a completely different judgment because you picked up a different bit of data.

Or, you could have a different judgment because you’ve had a moment to reflect. You think, “well, maybe that’s not correct. Maybe I was being a little unfair in that judgment.”

One of the cores of good human communication is the sense of ownership of judgment as just judgment. Accept that it is your judgment at the moment. Be willing to admit to yourself and the person you are communicating with that it is simply a judgment you made, perhaps even a snap judgment.

How we get into trouble communicating with others

We often mix up data, judgment, and attitude.

Lots of couples fight over data.

Here is a data fight —

Woman: “You said this.”

Man: “No, I didn’t. I never said that.”

Data fights in coupledom are common. Often when an argument goes on too long, you may even think, “Did I even say that?”

You dig your heels in any way.

Data fights are the most difficult to resolve. Republicans and Democrats have data fights all the time.

A typical data fight between a couple and the best way to respond:

A woman waits for her husband; he’s a half-hour late.

Women: “You were supposed to be here at 5:00. It’s 5:30. This is just like you, you do this all the time. You are so absorbed in your own stuff and insensitive to me. This is just another example of you putting me last.”

We have data (you were supposed to be here at 5:00), and we’ve got judgment (you’re so insensitive).

Possible responses:

There are several, but here are five different ones to show data and judgment.

Option #1.

The data is wrong. He says, “No, no, that’s not true. Here, I wrote it down in my calendar. We were supposed to meet here at 5:30. We just had a misunderstanding, I wasn’t trying to be late. I just can’t accept your judgment on me.”

Option #2.

A second response might be, “You’re right. I meant to be here at 5:00, but I ran into a ton of traffic, and I couldn’t call because I left my cell phone at home. You can check on the news, 7th street is all blocked up.” Etc. Etc. What hubby is saying is his wife’s data is right, but her judgment on him is incorrect. He is separating data from judgment.

Option #3.

A third response could be, “Oh! You are always picking on me. You’re nagging me. You are always finding fault with me (this is his data), and I can’t stand it anymore. I think there is something wrong with you that you’re always finding fault with me!” (this is his judgment).

Option #4.

“You’re right, I’m late. And when I think about it and look at it, I did put you in second place. That was sensitive, that’s just the way I am. My work is my priority, and that’s why I’m late. I can’t promise you I’ll be any different. My work comes first.”

Option #5.

Another response might be “Yes. You’re right. I was insensitive. I have been paying too much attention to work. I don’t want you to feel this way. I accept that I’ve been this way for a while, and I promise you I’m going to change my behavior. I don’t want this to be an issue between us.”

The above responses are pretty varied and have complex ranges of results.

It’s obvious which come from a place of integrity and power. Option four is still with integrity. It might not be what the wife wants to hear, but it’s honest.

And maybe something needs to be reassessed on her part.

What works best in human communication:

Honesty.

Integrity.

Respecting the other person.

Owning your own judgments, as just judgments.

Not buying into the other person’s judgments as more than judgments, so you don’t go into attack mode.

How to communicate well

In an ideal situation, when someone says something to you, you examine the data in it first and whether it is correct. You say,

“Yeah, I agree. We agree, I was to be here at 5:00( data).” And then you look at your partner’s judgment, the judgment that’s been laid on you.

What is the judgment that’s been laid on you?

In this case, “You’re insensitive. You’re self-absorbed.”

If you are in integrity in your communications, you don’t operate in the reactive mode.

The reactive mode is communicating in the victim/perpetrator matrix — you make me a victim, so I’m going to defend myself and attack you back.

In the example of being late, the reactive mode sounds like this, “Well, what about you? You’ve been late,” or, “You’re not so perfect!” or, “You’re a nag, and I can be late if I want. You’ve been late!”

This leads to the breakdown of communication in relationships.

How to build healthy communication:

Go for absolute integrity.

Check-in with yourself and have the courage to speak truthfully about your actions. Take an honest look at your part.

The building of relatedness is to be able to say to yourself, “I’m going for absolute integrity and the courage to speak truthfully about my part and look honestly at my side of the street.”

This is a core of good communication skills, take a look at your actions first.

When somebody says, “you’re insensitive,” if you want to be in a different paradigm and operate from a place of personal power, you will look at that judgment very carefully and say to yourself, “Was I insensitive? Was I distracted? Could this person have seen me as disrespectful?”

If the answer is yes, own it.

Don’t try to avoid it.

If the answer is yes, then the thing is to say, “I own that. I own your judgment. I agree with you that I’ve been insensitive.”

To further build communication and love, say,

“Here is my intention going forward.”

Tell your loved one what your intention is.

Think about what it really is, what you are willing to do to get to a place of healthy communication before you promise something you have no intention of keeping.

Maybe it is to make a change, or perhaps it’s to say, “I can’t make a change. This is who I am. I’ll accept the consequences of that. I’m just too obsessed with my work. I’m sorry, but I can’t promise, with integrity, I’m going to be able to change this behavior pattern.”

That is living in integrity. Being honest.

It is then the other person’s choice, whether this is acceptable for them. However, they now know you’re living your integrity and can make a choice to live in theirs.

Or you can say,

“Yes. I’m going to change this behavior pattern. I’m going to be more sensitive to you and make it an agreement. And at some point, if I can’t keep this agreement, I’m going to inform you in advance, and we’ll try to negotiate another way.”

This is a spoken contract, rather than the more common unspoken one that causes many misunderstandings and arguments between couples.

Data, judgment, and ownership (being honest) with yourself is the first stop. Being clear about where you want to go, the second.

Not operating from fear, but operating from the courage that truthfulness is the bridge you need to your true self and a fulfilling path to healthy relating skills.

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Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering Type A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.