The 3 Types of Attachment or How to Make Your Relationship Work

Each person interacts uniquely with those people who are very dear to him and each of us is specific to a certain type of attachment: safe, hesitant, restless.

"From a biological perspective, addiction is a fact, not an option or a preference. We select a few people in our lives and make them precious to us. " - John Bowly (theorist of modern attachment theory)

It is wrong to believe that the need for attachment is specific only to women. Or that only women tend to attach and become addicted to the person they love. Men need this too. Men also tend to get attached and become addicted to the one they love. The need for attachment is specific to the human being in general.

We are so biologically programmed to want love in our lives, to feel fulfilled and happy when we are in a couple. Although more and more people are embracing independence and making room for it in their lives, the highest degree of sentimental comfort is achieved when we are part of a couple.

In the book "Attached": The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love, psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller approach the theory of attachment from a new angle, relating it to love relationships that are established. between people.

The authors of the book claim that each person interacts uniquely with those people who are very dear to him and that each of us is specific to a certain type of attachment/dependence. We behave in a certain way in our adult relationships, but similarly to the behavior of babies.

Babies establish three types of attachment: hesitant, confident, and anxious. They are dependent on their mother's presence. It turned out to be scientific in the 1960s from experiments.

When the mother left the room when she returned, the hesitant baby did not have any physical reaction to suggest her condition, but studies have shown that the level of cortisol, a stress hormone, has increased.

Even though he was unhappy in the absence of his mother, when she returned, the restless baby rejected her and began to cry. Instead, the safe baby, who began to cry when his mother left, calmed down and resumed play when his mother returned.

Adults also adopt similar behaviors to babies. Being in a relationship, they behave in one of three styles of attachment/addiction: hesitant, confident, and restless.

Here, according to the new theory of attachment presented in the book "Attached" by psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, are the three styles. Identifying your style or that of your partner can help you find the right partner or improve your current relationship.

Anxious attachment style - Your relationship is extremely important to you and you are particularly concerned about consuming a lot of your emotional energy.

You want everything to go well and that's why you are very careful and careful with those things that can ruin the smooth running of the relationship. You are perfectly capable of experiencing intimacy and comfort with your life partner, but sometimes no one can get rid of your fear that he does not love you enough.

Your mood is influenced by your partner's mood. His mood swings affect you because you tend to perceive them in a personal way. You become anxious if you do not receive any sign of life from your partner. When you are in a relationship, you go through negative emotions and let your behavior be influenced by them.

You resort to gestures and words that you later regret. The moment your partner creates a state of security and manages to convince you of his feelings, you feel comfortable in that relationship. That's why you want your partner to provide you with proof that your relationship is not in danger.

The moment your perception system tells you that your partner is starting to detach, you tend, according to Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, to do the following:

• look for it by phone, email, or at work

• when he answers your calls or you meet to treat him with indifference or punish him with ignorance and indifference. Not infrequently you turn your back on him or leave the room.

• you warn him about your departure, hoping that this will make him stay

• you make him jealous by telling other people

Hesitant attachment style - Without a doubt and maybe you are an independent person who values your autonomy. You don't need anyone, in particular, to feel good in your skin.

You are self-sufficient. You want a relationship in which to experience closeness and intimacy with a person, but the moment you do this, you tend to withdraw. You are often reproached for being distant or for not being flexible and open enough to allow closeness.

The closeness, in a way that is too tight, makes you feel uncomfortable. The moment you feel that closeness can jeopardize your independence, you try to negotiate it. You are not afraid that you may be rejected, and the fear of rejection is last on your list of fears.

Your general tendency, and not just in love relationships, is to keep people at a distance. At this point, you are resorting to certain "deactivation strategies".

According to Amir Levine and Rachel Heller:

• you say that you are not ready to make commitments, but often you stay with your partner for long periods, even for years

• consider more the defects and the negative features of the partner

• you are constantly waiting, hoping to find the 'right one'

• to bring more insecurity in your relationship, you resort to flirting

• you do not verbalize your feelings, but let it be understood that you have them

• you enter into impossible relationships such as the one with a married man

• when your relationship is on the right track, you tend to distance your partner

• you try to prevent physical contact and contact (refusing to sleep in the same bed, for example, psychologists, or even walking in front of your partner)

Secure attachment style - It is not difficult for you to be warm, affectionate, and open in a relationship. It is in your nature to do this and you are doing quite well.

You are extremely close to your partner without worrying too much about your relationship. You know how to express what you feel and you can 'see' and what your partner wants to convey to you regarding his feelings. Joys, problems, sadness, successes, failures, do not hesitate to share all this with your life partner.

Also, you react well in case of conflicts with your life partner and do not enter the defensive phase, attacking in turn. Forget and forgive easily. You feel great in intimacy with your partner, and the closeness does not make you feel uncomfortable.

You react positively and flexibly to your partner's needs. You express your feelings frankly, and not in an indirect way, by resorting to tricks. Often, people who belong to this type of attachment fall into the trap of negative relationships.

Many times, they are willing to close their eyes and forgive negative behavior that has taken place over a long period.