Terrible Dating Misconceptions That Are Killing People's Ability to Find Love

I like to think that all genders want to find love, that they are capable of it, and that they all tend to want to have someone to come home to in one capacity or another.

However, over the years, I've noticed that it's becoming less and less apparent that most of us are capable of grasping what love is, how to find it, what's appropriate, and what's acceptable in the dating scene.

Sadly, I've all but given up on the mainstream dating game because I don't believe it's conducive to an emotionally healthy relationship. I also know I'm not alone in this movement. I've seen it with men, women, and nonbinaries like myself.

Admittedly, the toxic mindsets and sick dating misconceptions plaguing the dating scene make it a game which is rigged for universal loss. I walked away from the chance of finding a mate via traditional ways, and chose an arrangement with a friend — and both of us are way better for it.

Over the years, I've noticed that much of the reason that the dating scene is as toxic as it is, is due to the huge amount of toxic mentalities I see floating around the dating scene. The following dating misconceptions, myths, and false beliefs are probably killing your ability to find love in a healthy and sustainable manner.

Misconception #1: You're entitled to a mate.

Without a doubt, the most common of all dating misconceptions is that there's someone out there for everyone. It's just not true.

Not everyone will get married. Marriage rates are at a record low, and even if we were to skew laws so that women couldn't work or required a man to go out in public, there's a good chance that the marriage rates would stay low.

Why?

Because both men and women are checking out of marriage in droves — primarily because they're sick of the double standards dating presses on them. It's why there are MGTOWs, and why there are so many bitter older divorcees.

Additionally, many of the people who are single simply aren't really capable of holding an emotionally healthy relationship. When you aren't capable of having a relationship for one reason or another, it'll show, and people will end up leaving you before they get to the altar.

There are more options than ever before to get everything you want out of life as a solo flyer. For healthy singles, this is less incentive to couple up, and with all the dating misconceptions out there, finding a partner might not be worth it to them.

For those of us who want a mate, though, that means that the dating pool is not as big as it used to be. There's no longer "plenty of fish in the ocean," because the number of people who are both interested and capable of a functional relationship are shrinking.

Standards are higher than ever before, and that means that not everyone will find The One for them. Moreover, you can't force someone to be in a relationship that they don't want to be. Even if laws change, this brutal truth to dating means that for many, The One is just not there — and never will be.

Sadly, we're told not to negotiate. Skipping out on someone just because they're not "perfect" can kill your ability to ever get married. If they can have a healthy relationship with you, then you should seriously reconsider bailing because they aren't exactly what you want.

Misconception #2: You can negotiate attraction.

This is one of those dating misconceptions sparked by one too many shitty romantic comedy movies. Unfortunately, it's so pervasive that it's become a trope of its own, and has basically convinced an army of men that they can get the girl they want by just trying to negotiate their way into being attractive.

This is why you hear guys, upon being rejected, tell a girl things like:

• "Wait, no, you don't understand. I wanted to date you, and like, I'm a sweet guy."
• "Just give me a chance, I'm a nice guy."
• "It's just a free dinner on me. What's the worst that could happen?"
• "Come on, why not?"

Few dating misconceptions are as infuriating as this one, because it also undermines the rules of consent. To guys who buy into this misconception, 50 no's and a yes is a yes — and not a sign that the girl has just given up and wants you to leave her alone.

If you try to negotiate love with someone who isn't attracted to you or isn't willing to be with you, it will not work and you will have wasted your time trying to win over someone who will resent you. You need two people to work on a relationship to make it work. End of story.

Misconception #3: Women aren't datable past a certain age/number of sex partners/whatever, and men aren't worthy of a girlfriend if they have [random issue] here.

Look, I understand that personal prefences play a part in dating. We can't help what we find attractive.

However, I'll be the first one to say that one of the most toxic dating misconceptions out there is this idea that you're automatically disqualified from relationships, love, or sex if you don't fit some inane socially constructed idea of what "acceptable" is.

I know, for a fact, that people often are scared to admit what they're actually attracted to in the dating scene because of what others would think.

I've been the "fat person" people loved behind closed doors, but wouldn't be caught dead dating out there. I've also had long-term relationships die, just because of my partygirl past, and the guy not being able to figure out a way to "bring me home" to mom.

I've also been the friend listening to a guy cry because he's 5'2 and believes that he won't find love because "all women love men over 6 feet tall." I've been the friend who heard women wail because guys "don't marry fat chicks."

What's really messed up about this is that people actually think that others care who they date — and they let that stupid dating misconception determine who they pair off with.

People don't care that much about who's on your arm; nor should you care if they do. At the end of the day, you're going to be the one who has to deal with your choice of partner — not them.

Sadly, many people throw away wonderful partners who they were legitimately into, all because of the social pressure to do so. I have no sympathy for those who do this, because they ended up choosing their path.

Misconception #4: You need to be married in order to be happy.

This might be true for some, but not for all. The truth is that it's way, way better and healthier to be single than it is to be in an abusive relationship — or a relationship which involves a lot of resentment and hurt.

A scary amount of people die at the hands of their partners each year. Many more end up married but miserable, contemplating suicide because they married the wrong person.

Misconception #5: A relationship will heal everything and make your life perfect.

Unless you're in a relationship with a sugar daddy or sugar mama, and all your problems are financial in nature, this will not be the case. If you feel empty inside, a relationship probably will not fill the hole inside you. If you feel insecure now, your partner will not make you suddenly feel comfortable forever.

Sure, having a healthy partner can make a lot of problems easier for you to overcome — but they aren't going to be your hero completely. Life isn't easy, and at the end of the day, you can't expect someone to do it all for you. You need to hold yourself at least part of the time, or be willing to help them help you.

This is one of those dating misconceptions that leads to codependency. Just saying.

Misconception #6: You need to change who you are to make love work.

I've seen this dating misconception cause good, honest people to lose track of who they are — all in the name of trying to keep people around them who did nothing but use them and abuse them. You should never have to change your entire lifestyle to suit a partner, and if you are, then that's no love as much as it is a codependent mess.

Compromise and changing who you are at your core are not the same thing. Compromise is agreeing to see Godzilla as long as you get to choose dessert. Changing means giving up your friends and family to "please" your partner.

A healthy relationship is one where people love one another's perceived flaws — not try to change them. Keep that in mind when you date, and this dating misconception will be way more apparent when you look at rom-coms and other Disney movie garbage.

Dating Misconception #7: Happily ever after, the end.

Outside of a Disney movie, there's no "happily ever after" out there. That's fairy tale garbage that too many people believe in these days. There's this big dating misconception that involves life suddenly becoming perfect post-wedding.

It's not like that. At all.

At the end of the day, bills need to be paid, kids will be assholes, and you and your partner will occasionally argue over something. Relationships are constant work, but can be a constant reward if done right.

If you were hoping for a "happy ever after," sorry. You'll still have to work at it.

Dating Misconception #8: You need to wait for a unicorn to find someone marriage-worthy.

Ughhhhh....

If there was one dating misconception I can't stand, it's this one. Don't get me wrong; you should expect a partner to treat you well and be good to you. You should expect a partner to be attractive to you.

However, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about "settling" for someone that isn't even a decent human being or someone who has nothing in common with you in hopes they will change.

I'm talking about the bullshit dating misconception we're fed, that we all will find someone perfect, regardless of the fact that we all have flaws. You are not going to find a perfect match — especially if you keep trying to date way above your league.

If you're a 400 pound person, you're not getting a supermodel. If you're homeless, that investment banker will not wife you up. If you have a horrible personality, you won't be likely to get anyone.

I've also seen great people get dumped for the stupidest reasons, by people who legitimately wouldn't take anything but perfection. I've seen breakups happen over past jobs, a person's clothing size, a person's hair color, and even a person's family background.

We are all human. We all have flaws — all of us. If you are looking for a perfect human being, you're going to be stuck single and looking for a very, very long time.

Dating Misconception #9: All you need is love.

This is one of those dating misconceptions we all want to believe, but shouldn't. You can't pay the bills with love. Love will not make your partner happy if your life goals force them to abandon their goals.

Love is important, but it's not the only thing you need. You need similar life goals, similar beliefs, partnership, cooperation, outside lives, and good finances to make a relationship easy. Otherwise, it'll be a lot harder to just live comfortably.

Dating Misconception #10: Treating a person poorly will make them treat you better.

I blame the Pickup Artist community for this, and I also blame myself (and other bleeding hearts) for trying to overcome cruelty by being kind to people. That kind of behavior only rewards assholes and makes good people suffer.

If you keep treating someone like dirt, eventually, they will leave. Eventually, other people will also find out what you did — and trust me, even if it takes years, word will always get out in some way.

Speaking from what I've seen, people who behave cruelly to others often end up alone...or just really depressed and angry with themselves.

Dating Misconception #11: One gender is the enemy.

I see this, a lot, from men. Much more so, than women. However, women tend to think that way, too.

There's this dating misconception floating around, often bolstered by confirmation bias, that one gender is legitimately unable to do anything but hurt the other. I hear it every time I hear men say "all women want is money," and every time I hear girls say men are horrible.

Logically, we all know that there are happy marriages out there where men call their wives their best friends, and where women call the men in their lives the best thing to ever happen to them. Stories, dating back centuries, talk about the undying love between the genders.

That being said, this is a dating misconception that is REALLY hard to let go of once it swallows you. This misconception is particularly strong with victims of trauma and people who read too much hateful rhetoric.

I ought to know; I actually struggle with the idea that a guy could possibly love me (or anyone other than them) because of the cruelty I faced at the hands of men I dated. It's something that gives me panic attacks during dates, even to this day.

In my mind, I know that we're all human. But, my heart doesn't tell me that half the time, simply because I have this emotional, kneejerk reaction to treat certain genders with wariness and distrust.

We all want to find love. And, that, whether we realize it or not, there's at least one or two dating misconceptions we've all fallen victim to when wandering around the toxic wasteland known as the modern dating scene.