Ten Signs The Love Is Genuine & Not Another Narcissist.

How to tell when a person is genuinely interested and not grooming you for a whirlwind romance?

Today’s fast-paced, easy-access, quick-fix society has generated a dating dilemma where on the one hand meeting new people is easy, and on the other, meeting the wrong people is easy too.

So, how can we make sure we’re not the next easily accessible, quick-fix?

--------

1. They took their time to get to know you before the “I love you”.

Ask yourself, “How many times has this person fallen in love that quickly?”, “When was their last relationship and how long did it last?”, “Do I know enough about this person and their relationship history?”

2. They’re as open as you are about your thoughts, life, friends, interests, and values.

Some people are reserved, that doesn’t mean they’re not wanting to share more with you, however, it could also mean they’ve got something to hide. Giant gaps in their history and purposely avoiding sharing too much could indicate big secrets.

Are they open with stories about their lives to other people, but not to you? This is a tactic to suggest they value other people's opinions more than yours. Narcissists don’t value anyone's opinion, they only interpret them to suit themselves.

3. You sense they’re genuinely opening up rather than copying you.

Mirroring is one of many love-bombing tactics used by narcissists, particularly from the millennial age group.

Because it's easy for us to naturally pick up on nuances and share similar stories, narcissistic mirroring can be difficult to spot.

A tell-tale sign is that they do it with other people too, so their stories and even speech style drastically change according to each person.

4. You’ve met their close long-term friends and family.

Narcissists rarely maintain long-term friends or even strong relationships with family members.

Family members that are close to narcissists can appear to be hiding something, they may show co-dependent or narcissistic tendencies. Close friends could actually be new acquaintances or associates they’ve known a long time though rarely kept up with.

5. They’re taking their time and not becoming a part of your life too quickly.

Not moving too fast is a good sign that they value your privacy and personal time. Narcissists do not value any time or attention not spent on them, so they will overwhelm you to test your willingness to free up your privacy and personal time.

6. You feel comfortable approaching them with feedback on their behaviors or actions you dislike, and he or she feels the same.

Have they said or done something that you’ve felt hurt or confused you? It shouldn’t be hard to approach them about it.

Watch out for subtle ways of disregarding your issues, “Oh it wasn’t that bad”, “You’re imagining things”. Make sure you're not getting too comfortable avoiding difficult discussions.

7. You felt you’ve been heard and fairly treated during difficult discussions or disagreements.

As above, if you’re not heard or fairly treated during disagreements, take a break. Give yourself time to slow things down and look at your boundaries.

Narcissists will push, devalue, and hoover you, adding pressure so you’re not given a chance to get a clear enough head to evaluate the situation, a person who wants to try will give you breathing time and think through their own behaviors and actions.

8. You feel there are no lies and secrets.

You get a sense from people when they’re not being authentic, it's easier to spot from the start than it is once you get closer.

Once we’ve established a relationship with a person, we trust them and tend to flick off questionable behavior more than we would in the beginning.

Any signs of lies and secrets (which are lies in themselves) should be taken seriously and if they’re not dealt with, move on, the pain of betrayal is far greater when you’ve put up with layer after layer of deceit.

9. Their words match their actions.

This is a big one. Are they passionate about issues and it shows in their actions more than their words? Have they kept promises? Do they have fair expectations of themselves and others?

Matching actions to words is a good sign they’re being who they really are, narcissists are all talk and eventually, the act drops off.

10. You haven’t got a bad gut feeling about them.

Our autonomic nervous system (flight or fight) connects with the gastrointestinal tract (GIT), hence the tendency for our mental health to have such an impact on our gut health and vice versa.¹

Are you getting ‘butterflies?’ or is it more like ‘cramp?’ Even if your head's not in it and you’ve handed over your heart, your gut will tell guide you if you let it. As always, trust your gut.

--------

There can be genuine reasons for any of the above, they may not indicate that the person isn’t authentic, but be sure that you’re not suppressing those signs to avoid dealing with them.

It is easy to miss ‘red flags’ in the throws of love or passion, so be aware and be ok with taking your time, especially when your heart and emotions are at stake.

Thank you for reading.