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Tap the Hidden Love in Your Marriage

You will be pleasantly surprised

By TamPublished 2 years ago 7 min read
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Photo by Jennifer Murray from Pexels

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up -Joseph Barth.

I married the man who had the guts to propose to me with a daring “Will You Marry Me?”

We were best friends who knew each other’s secrets when we fell in love. And were in a relationship for at least a decade before we got hitched. Yet living together for the first time after our wedding was a whole new experience.

An experience, I resented within the first few months of our marriage.

We had quite an ordinary married life like any other couple. But I was not prepared for anything normal.

I only wanted a life full of sunshine and rainbows.

Surprise! I figured it is possible to live the life of your dreams if you know what you want and look for it in the right place.

This article is about my experience in finding the missing piece of the puzzle. And how it keeps elevating our marriage with every waking day!

The Biting Reality of the Honeymoon Phase

The honeymoon phase always ends, for everyone -Rose Leslie.

“Only in our case, the end came in the beginning”, I thought.

We moved to a new country within two weeks of our marriage. I woke up to my husband’s coffee every morning [a deal he agreed to, during the proposal phase]. He was the only earning member at that time. Still, he would take me out once a week for dinner and a movie.

The only time we ever talked was during the short drives from our home to our destination.

He seemed like a different person to me when we were home together. He never felt the need to have a conversation. He disliked small talk or any kind of talk.

He is an avid watcher of TV. He can break any Guinness record on non-stop screen time.

Thanks to my husband’s poker face and his poor multi-tasking skills watching his phone as I spoke. I felt like I was talking to nobody most times. He never cared to notice how I felt.

Since we had known each other forever, it was so easy for him to take my feelings for granted, I wondered.

I love cooking and would always make sure I made many exquisite dishes, sprinkled them with so much love. And he never felt the need to leave a word of appreciation.

When he asked: Can I help you with something? I denied it. Because, in my mind, he was only asking out of courtesy.

On days I demanded feedback, his predictable answer “Of course it was great as always!” was my least favorite joke.

Some days, I felt like a dismissed maid. And on other days, I yearned to be that damn TV — I could use some attention too!

He seemed happy and content, thinking he was doing his best already. But a part of me was yearning for him to notice, reciprocate and recognize.

At the same time, I didn’t want to act needy by asking for what I needed. After all, who does that in the first month of marriage?

Being a wife filled me with a sense of entitlement to need more by default. More time, More attention, More love. Well, who doesn’t?!

Marriage Is Also about Sharing Souls, Not Only Chores

After a couple of months, I got a new job and our lives got super busy. He was my lift to and from the bus stop. So, we got some time together without a TV between us. A huge deal for me!

He continued to make coffee every morning. He offered to do the dishes in the evenings and he cleaned the kitchen every night leaving it squeaky clean.

He cooked on the weekends and amazed me with his culinary skills. Some days, he would come home early from work to prepare dinner and surprise me.

He did more household work than me without question

Whenever I mentioned ice cream or cookies, he drove to the convenience store at odd hours to get what I wanted. I thought I instigated the cravings in him too.

Besides all his work, he never once compromised on his screen time during mealtimes.

I started fantasizing about our marriage without the TV.

The Disillusioned Phase

In my mind, I was so confused about his contrasting behavior. I was always on edge when it came to my measure of his love for me.

If I were to rate his performance as a husband, he would have suffered a terrible failure.

In my world, love meant :

Spending time with each other,

Having delightful conversations,

Hugging each other after a long day of work,

Reading the same book together,

Expressing in words what we meant for each other,

And appreciating simple things we did for each other.

My life was pathetic, nowhere near what I had expected. This was not enough for me.

My heart suffered in the huge gap between my dreams and reality.

So, one day I asked him, “Do you ever feel the need to express your love for me?”

His answer thrilled me. I remember laughing so hard at his response.

He said, “Well, everything I do is for you. From the morning coffee to late-night coffee.”

And continued, to tell me how much he disliked some chores, yet he did them to make my work easy at home.

He said things like how he made sure I had everything I needed for the day. All the grocery shopping, recharging my phone and paying my bills, etc.

It was shocking to know that he had no idea at all about what was going on in my mind.

Well, how could he know? Did I ever tell him what I wanted? No!

My mind was only full of assumptions, I realized.

It was unfair to judge his actions based on my limited perception.

We both deserved a second chance at making our marriage extra-ordinary.

The Serendipity of Hidden Love:

It baffled me at first but soon amused me with the newfound meaning in his actions.

I wanted to know more. And after spending hours on Google, I found the 5 love languages quiz. We both took the test.

The facts we found were mind-blowing. A simple truth about giving and receiving love. About how everyone doesn’t speak the same language of love.

Our expressive language can be different from our receiving language. And it can vary completely from our partner’s!

That weekend, I finished The 5 love languages book by Dr. Gary Chapman. What an eye-opener! It transformed our marriage.

There are 5 love languages to express and receive love in five different ways:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Physical touch

My husband’s way of expressing love is Acts of Service.

[No wonder he had been putting up with a whole lot of physical work at home showing me in his own way that he loves and cares].

His receiving love language is Words of Affirmation.

[No surprise my words adorned his love world. I remembered how he always carried my handwritten letters in his wallet].

My expressive and receiving love language is Gifts and Quality Time.

Our World of Love with New Possibilities

The best thing to hold on to in life is each other -Audrey Hepburn.

Once we found our love languages, we started communicating at a whole new level.

It opened the door of opportunities for us to learn and explore more about each other.

We were curious to experiment and try what worked best between us. And avoided changing what was important to us.

For example, my husband could watch TV uninterrupted if we could cook and do dishes together. If not, we should switch off the box for a bit until we had a real conversation.

[I also found that my husband had a long history with TV. Being an only child, TV had been his sole company all his life, and his obsession seemed normal. No judgment].

My husband loves to drive. And I love to talk. So we agreed to go on a long drive two or three times a week where we would talk throughout the drive.

The long drives became our favorite “couple” time. And we also topped it with driving through the Starbucks for a late-night hot chocolate.

We were giving life to all the love cells in us!

And now, his coffee screams “I love you” to me louder than ever. And a special thank you from me is more than enough for him to get me a second cup.

Final Takeaways

  • Find your love language and that of your partner. Sometimes the receiving and expressive love languages can be different too.
  • Have an open conversation about what bothers you in the relationship. Sometimes, the other person has no idea until we mention it.
  • Create a workable plan to include both of your needs and wants. And make it part of your routine.
  • Great Marriage is a choice we make every day to prioritize each other for the rest of our lives.

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams -Dr. Seuss

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About the Creator

Tam

Runner Mom living life in my terms; Extreme Optimist; Love to write and share life experiences!

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