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Stop Telling Me to Find a Boyfriend

by Katherine Keyes 15 days ago in dating
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This Is Why It Bothers Me When People Wish for Me to Find a Boyfriend

Stop Telling Me to Find a Boyfriend
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

I have been single for a couple of years. My last relationship was a very difficult one, it left me reeling with shock. I ended up being the dreaded Other Woman. I found myself in the position of a mistress.

I write ended up because we were an item first. And before I knew it everything had been spinning out of control. Yes, that is possible. And no we are no longer together.

On top of that, I have been dealing with other issues in my life. And everyone around me seems to think that a boyfriend would magically fix everything. Make my life full again, and me happy.

They wish for me to find one soon. They hope. They even pray. Apparently, they won't stop until I find him and everything is going to be just fine fine fine.

***

I know that people who like me and care for me mean well. But this constant and loud cloud of well-wishers is hurtful on so many levels to me. It’s distressing actually.

***

To start with, I have quite a lot to deal with mentally and I do not feel like being all that social or dating. I am the type of person who self-isolates and goes into hiding to lick my wounds and heal. For that very same reason, I do not want to try online dating. Dating applications are a no-no to me. I cannot phantom being on a date with a total stranger. Where would we even start?

But nobody is asking me whether I even feel ready to date again.

I also do not feel like it’s someone else's responsibility to make me whole again. At the same time, I feel that close friends and family have a certain level of responsibility to help their loved ones in dire straits.

But I guess it’s better to expect that of an imaginary boyfriend who would save the day. Regardless of the fact that he might not even want to. After all, it's a lot to expect from another human.

It's also not possible to buy a boyfriend in a supermarket. I would not even want to. I crave connection. I crave mental intimacy. I crave social context. Knowing who they are and how they react to different situations. What is their emotional makeup. How they treat others.

But people wishing for me to find a boyfriend soon soon soon make me feel like I am failing them when I am not even trying.

***

I also believe that happiness has many forms. Right now I am happy for every single day that I manage to get through. Hell, I am happy when I can muster the strength to even get up and get going. Get out my bed. Get by in any given day without crying. And crumbling to pieces.

But of course, I cannot be truly happy unless I have a boyfriend. Oh no, nothing else matters. A knight in shining armour is apparently still the solution to The Happily Ever After. But what about if that new prospective boyfriend would not even be good for me ? It's a possibility. One never knows. But no one ever asks that.

No thanks, I say. I am what I need right now. I am the one who needs to come back to myself. I am the one who needs to nurture my soul. I am the one who needs to love my own heart. I am complete and enough as I am. I will do this on my own terms, at the right time.

***

We are all different. With different needs and stages in life. And only we know why we are single. Not dating. Dating, but no really. Opting out of relationships for a while. We know ourselves and our needs the best. And that is fine. And perfectly acceptable.

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About the author

Katherine Keyes

Writing about well-being, self-care and psychology. Occassional poet and fiction writer. Based in Prague. Passionate about coffee, yoga, reading and Toastmasters. Native speaker of Czech, fluent in English (as a second language).

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