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Stop Talking, Start Listening

by Rabih 4 months ago in marriage
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A simple "superpower" to bring your relationship to the next level

Photo by Michael Dam on Unsplash

People are attached to their own ways. They live in their bubbles, made up from their different experiences - their suffering, their achievements, their habits, their assumptions, their expectations, and so on.

Most of us perceive the world through the lenses of everything we've been through up to this very day. And most of us also assume that people process life just like we do.

From this assumption, we then expect others to understand us more than we give them the possibility to do so. We don't properly communicate our needs, we don't want to understand that others went through their own different stuff just like we did, and so we become resentful.

We blame people, those especially close to us, somehow we got to bond together and from that bonding, we believed they owe us everything - we believed being part of the same group meant being exactly the same, sharing the same worldview.

As we keep realizing that people rarely meet what we're expecting from them, we become bitter. We form an image of disappointment around them. And our disappointment slowly but steadily destroys our relationship.

We respond aggressively, we throw words that hurt, we interpret the simplest of things as being a direct attempt at hurting us, we reinforce our belief in the other being against us.

And obviously, others pick up the negative energy we emanate – and unless they're wise enough – they react in the same aggressive ways.

Then we feel guilty; we fulfilled our self-fulfilling prophecy of not being a "good boy" or "good girl." Then we realize the absurdity of our actions. Then we excuse ourselves or try to make up for what we did in whatever way. And again, if the person is wise enough, she may forgive us.

There will come a time when we'll repeat the cycle, in order to fill our emotional reservoir. Our limiting beliefs need this "storage" of emotions in order to stay in place. And we need those beliefs to feel secure. Unless we start becoming really aware of this whole dynamic, it'll repeat itself.

People, we all have great and not so great days, we're humans. The most boring of excuses, yet one of the realest.

Assumptions ruin our relationships, our lives, and our health. We cannot possibly know what will happen tomorrow at 3:33 pm. How can we then ever be so sure about what is the reason behind a mind, body and spirit entity's actions? The variables are too complex.

No matter how intelligent we think we are, we always need to leave some room for the other person to express herself. She may lie, she may say something absurd, her reasons may be irrational. We still need to give her the space to express herself.

But more importantly, we also need to communicate our needs and expectations. Not everyone is a psychic, and even psychics prefer to chill out whenever they're not serving. Psychic work is physically exhausting. And no one wants to work after work.

Being responsible means handling our expectations with responsibility, which we do by either communicating them to the right person and not gossiping around, or, by not expecting at all.

It is a common practice where I live for taxis to keep asking you if you'd like to get somewhere whenever they see you walking. After saying "no" a few times, it's another common practice not to answer at all because another one will come right after and ask you the same question.

One day, while walking, a young man insistently asked me if I needed a taxi, the more he asked, the less inclined I was to answer. I didn't say a word. Finally, he angrily said "at least answer!" before leaving.

We create those situations that annoy us the most. It's great to expect the best for ourselves. But the moment we choose to do so, we must be responsible about it, which means knowing that our expectations may or may not be met. We have to be okay with all the outcomes because we create the experience. We always do.

Life is interesting.

marriage

About the author

Rabih

I write about spirituality, not only to inform but most importantly to transform.

https://linktr.ee/Rabihh

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