Starting over at 40

I opened my iPhone and there was a video of him screwing another girl. Not just any girl, an escort that he decided was the love of his life. Guess he didn’t realize that our phones synched stuff like that(he never was great with technology).

We had been together for a little over a decade. He was the first person I’ve ever truly loved(that’s saying a lot, I’ve been married twice). I can’t say it was ever an easy relationship (but that’s a story for another time).

Let's start at the beginning of the end. At the very least you'll feel a sh*t ton better about your life (similar to how you feel after watching a trainwreck episode of Jerry Springer). Best case, you get it. You learn something that helps you move forward. 

As I watched that video it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. I couldn’t breathe. Instantly my life crumbled. My dealbreaker is cheating, there is no going back once that happens.

I've had relationships end before, but this was the first relationship that ended and left me completely drained. No money coming in, he didn’t feel the need to move out & I couldn't make him (this mother f*cker even tried to trick me into making HER my roommate. Just how stupid did he think I was?). He was my kryptonite, no matter how bad things were I felt this need to take care of him. I couldn't call the cops to make him leave because he started using & I didn't want to be the reason he went to jail(spoiler alert...he found his own way to get there). I knew I had to get far away if I was ever going to have some sort of okay life.

Five days later(November 1st) I called my mom and said I needed her to come get me. Then I called 2 days after that and tried to take it back, but she had already reserved a moving container and bought a plane ticket. 

There is nothing more humbling than being almost 40 and having to call your mom to come get you. 

I made arrangements to break my lease. I sold 98% of my stuff and the day before Thanksgiving my mom arrived to help me pack. I have to admit I was a total bitch during this process (apparently that's my go to when I feel completely out of control. Not a good look).

I was so bitter about having to sell my stuff. I felt like it was all I had. I was losing everything I had worked so hard for.

My mom was tough and dealt with my attitude like only a mom can. She pointed out how big of a dumpster fire things currently were. I donated and gave away everything I couldn't sell or fit in the 7'x7' POD. 

I ended up keeping my office stuff, my bed & dressers and all of my kitchen stuff. Then we hopped in my SUV and started the long drive  back to Minnesota. 

The kicker is I fought so f*cking hard to bring so much sh*t with me and with the exception of my mattress and kitchen stuff everything else is still sitting in my mom's garage and I am selling or donating it all. It all seemed so important at the time, but now I could care less.

When I got to Minnesota I moved back into my bedroom at my mom's house. I stopped working with clients. I was not in a place where I could help people the way I do. I cried whenever I was alone. My business went dormant as I went into survivor mode (it's what I do. I become laser focused on something other than the sh*t show I'm avoiding). 

I got a job. Then I got a 2nd job(the relationship left me with a lot of debt). And I started to rebuild.

Let’s talk about advice...

Everyone loves to tell you that you're better off. He’s a jerk. Get over it. Move on with your life. Do this or that (Ugh, the advice)

I tried to just push through and act like nothing ever happened, but it did happen and it changed me. I didn’t know who I was.

Once my bank accounts were no longer negative I began looking for my own place(I love my mom & I’m so grateful she let me stay with her, but I need my own space).

After months of disappointments I found "my" apartment. It was almost the end of March and the yard was filled with snow (not a dusting, feet and feet of snow). As I sat in my car across the street hoping that this was the one. I prepared myself to be disappointed yet again before I walked up the shoveled path that had snow on both sides taller than me. 

I walked in and I could feel it in my bones. I was HOME!

I had everything on my list. Wood floors, lots of windows, a big kitchen, claw foot tub, the neighborhood I wanted and it was in my price range. 3 days later it was mine.

Having my own place again helped. 

When I got to Minnesota, I was so lost. I've spent the last 2 years figuring out who I am and what I wanted. I stopped writing because I didn’t want to talk about it (hell what do you even say??), I didn't want to live it and I didn’t want to be that person anymore.  

Today I’m not who I was in North Carolina. I’m not the person I tried to be when I first moved to Minnesota.

This experience changed me. It changed my business.

I think this may be the first time I’m fully being myself. It’s the first time since I was 18 that I don’t have another person or an animal to factor into my decisions (that’s a freeing experience in itself). My standards have changed.

I’m finally open to another relationship (thanks COVID for making that hard as well). It took a long time to let him go (even after all the pain), but I found out the other day he got married and it was a relief. There’s someone else to take care of him.

Starting over is hard. It can be lonely and heartbreaking. But it can also be empowering.

Now for my advice. If you’re starting over there is no time frame you must feel better in. Cry, be sad, mourn what you lost. Cut back to the basics if it’s too overwhelming.

Then. Let yourself be happy(It’s ok if you’re happy). Do things just for you. Look at your old life, what did you like, what did you hate & apply that to the life you’re building. Trust that it’ll get better.