For the longest time, I had avoided myself to recollect the memories of my childhood. It always seemed like running away was the best choice, despite missing out on the part of reminiscence. There were times when bits and pieces flashed by in my mind, it shook my world. A world I created with peace and stability.
Until I took the courage to look into the photo album, a photo of myself smiling got me sucked in. Then, I realized that pure happiness had died away so how could I ever love and accept that part of me? They all say I should embrace it as a growing experience. But what about the pain? The helplessness? And the loneliness?
I felt the breathlessness that I was back to that nightmare. Yet again, I was torn apart. The wrongness of why my life started out this way, and why is it different from others? I screamed and shouted to create chaos, so maybe… Just maybe I could sleep at night instead of having terrifying dreams of falling.
My belief in a loving family was fading. I issued the verdict that my family is guilty for my abuse and people’s judgement on a child who comes from the rustic countryside. I banished them to stay in a state of limbo. At the same time, my mother was the target of my flaming arrow. I was attacking her with my explosive emotions. I mocked her means to keep me by her side as she claimed that I will be safe, ignoring the fact that she left me in the hands of others. Then, darkness came by and became my loyal companion, from what I wore to how I bitch about every little thing.
And one day, I saw him. He was quite ordinary but uniquely attracts me because he was always surrounded by people, almost like a trap that magically drew anyone around towards him. He was playful and he had that kind of smile that just lights up the world. Luckily, I grabbed hold of that opportunity to start a conversation with him and it felt like a fortune fell from the sky. I quickly fell in love, jumping to my chance of savior. Coming from an incomplete family, I envisioned my future spent with a loving partner and great amount of success when I can hold my head high against those who looked down or pitied me. Unknowingly, I self-sabotaged the relationship because of my own insecurities and fear of losing him, overthinking the possibilities of how he might gain interest in girls who are better than me or get distracted with other things in his life and eventually I won’t be his priority anymore. So for some time, I was tainting him with my negativity and slowly bringing our relationship to a dead end. I recalled that he missed out on many occasions, when he could have gone out with his friends and family yet I was too selfish to cling onto him. He meant the world to me, so I didn’t care more than just him even if I had to gamble everything to pay the price. It was the stupidest thing to do when I tested him by throwing tantrums and walked away multiple times. At the beginning, he would chase after me and get me back. I felt very secure but that feeling was short-lived, he would get sick of my behavior and I would run back most of the time. The last straw that ended our relationship was my doing, I ran away instead of facing the issue between us. I blamed myself for not having the courage to voice out my emotions and confront him. I just packed my stuff and bolted out of the door…...
“Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?”. Months of struggling to fill up that void, I felt the agonizing pain of losing him. The expectations of spending the rest of my life with him by my side, visualizing all the amazing life experiences and what awaits us ahead. The break-up emptied my happiness, everyday felt like the same routine as I never found an outlet than going to school and back to home, till I started a toxic habit of alcoholism which my emotions were dependent on it. I partied my days away and tried to hide my sorrows behind my smiles. Whenever someone asked if I’m fine, I replied yes with a lump in my throat and fear that I would lose control of what’s hidden, I skipped to another conversational topic. Time passed as I lost interest in things around me and life went dull, I thought of ending the misery while I plotted ways to kill myself. I imagined the most painless method but I had no courage, I was scared of feeling the loneliness again. Failing to do so made me feel an excuse to live again, I can’t throw my responsibilities away anymore as I felt that maybe pulling myself up from the lowest ground is a good solution. Hence, I couldn’t work harder than before to drive my attention from my depression.
Taking hold of every chance to seek out new experiences, I began putting my insecurities aside and speaking out more often. At the start, it was difficult because I romanticized how smoothly love can be, like how it actually could be my savior. Nonetheless, I fought my own demons but in every few moments, I had him in my mind in my strings of memories. I walked the places we used to hang out, the common things we did together, the food we loved to eat and still see the mutual friends we knew. The first-hand experiences that I had encountered brought colors into my life and I am grateful for each and every one of them. I found my closure after hearing the news that he had moved on, pursuing his career and a path that I won’t stop him from enjoying.
Thank you for being there in my youth.
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.