so we beat on

On December 31st, 2019, I went to work. My uniform then consisted of black pants, and a black shirt that read "CLD BRW SZN" on the back. I was enthusiastic for the start of a new decade, and so dolled myself up in makeup reminiscent of 1920s flapper girls. I tied a large bow around my head and tucked my hair underneath to create the illusion of a bob haircut. I walked into the coffee shop I worked at back then, brimming with excitement and delight. "I'm dressed for the occasion!" I exclaimed with joy. No one really wanted to be at work that night, but the special occasion of a holiday such as New Years, one that we all recognize and collectively take part in, takes the edge off of a nine hour shift.

That night I would close by myself, and walk back to my home. I'd put on warmer clothes, collect my younger sister, and head up to the boardwalk with her. We would stand in a sea of people, strangers whom I would only ever know on that night. Shoulder to shoulder we'd stand on the ancient wooden planks that hold up America's Greatest Family Resort, and each feel the bittersweetness that has always come along with New Years.

Nothing ever feels different on January 1st. The world does not go through a tremendous and sudden shift, as time is a relatively new concept to the planet Earth and it is therefore not governed by it. Humans hold meaning in time that will be lost only after we are gone. And yet, even so, we all know that each year, each decade, each century has a certain feel to it. Brought on by trends, grand events, loss, joy, and especially change, there is a certain feeling within certain stretches of time that we can usually all agree on, and no year within living memory has had more personality than 2020.

Almost no singular moment of this year has been quiet. In truth, the shy moments of 2020 almost seem to be the ones I remember most vividly. Being locked up in my home during the early days of January 2020 to escape the cold, watching the orange crush and strawberry skies on the bus rides to school and home, my first taste of club nights in Atlantic City, cutting my hair short for what would be the last time, and someone leaving. In their moments, each of these memories seemed to be enormous in their impact and meaning to me. I assumed I was carving out some beginnings to early adulthood, now leaving the stereotypical college years behind and entertaining the idea of enjoying my twenties. I was just starting to find comfort in my new life as a student at a new school when my world, and our world, began to change.

I vividly remember standing in the Atlantic City bus station, nursing a cup of mediocre coffee and fumbling with a package of crumbling PopTarts while I waited for my bus to school, and sending a text to my best friend to reassure them that COVID-19 would not be a big deal. I reminded them that we lived through Swine Flu and made it out okay, and that COVID would likely be handled in a few months at most. Only days later I would be sitting in my Music Theory class, chatting with my Professor over whether or not our spring break would be extended by an extra week. I was on a school shuttle to Camden when the news broke that we would indeed be spoiled with that extra week off, and friends and I quickly began planning trips. We had all assumed that the schools, businesses, public buildings, stores, and more would only be closed temporarily. Just for a short amount of time so disinfecting could take place, and then we would be back on schedule. With this thought in mind, I didn't find a reason to savor the small moments. I didn't think to remember the smell of the train home to Atlantic City, nor the smell of the computer labs in the music building on campus. I didn't think to grab one last chicken caesar wrap from my favorite cafe in town, or to capture the moment I fed bread crumbs to the birds by the pond. I didn't look long enough at the Philadelphia skyline as it grew smaller and smaller during my last train ride home. I moved forward with my day, excited for spring break and ready for relaxation.

I sit here now, nearly nine months later. My life is so different, so changed by the year 2020. The months of May to August floated by me so easily, like a ghost just passing through the ether that you happen to catch out of the corner of your eye. I do not know the girl that started her never ending spring break back in March. I recognize her briefly through the lens of nostalgia and naivety, and at times I mourn for her. Mostly though, I cheer her on. I see a girl who continued to move through each sluggish day, secretly moving towards the future. I woke up each day waiting for a difference and knowing that it would eventually come. As I began to wake from the initial shock and dissociation from the impact of COVID-19, I saw opportunities before me that guaranteed healing, and growth. I took a part-time job at an independent bookstore, where I saw in action the innate desire to "know" that lies in every human being. I engaged in study sessions and coffee dates with my best and dearest friends, where we shared our humor and hearts. Took many trips to Target, and I thank the company for providing me with the materials to completely reinvent my drab room which had become a source of depression over the course of the year. I became bold and accepted dates from several different people, something I had shied away from in the past. I excelled in my studies and impressed not only my professors but myself as well by somehow managing to retain my A+ average this semester.

In the year 2020, I experienced so many emotions and pivotal moments in my life that the last 365 days may as well contain an entire decade. I approached this new decade with excitement and optimism, and I shall leave it humbled and grateful to still have the opportunity to take a breath of fresh air (at a distance of course).

On December 31st, 2019, my uniform was a black shirt, and black pants. On December 31st, 2020, by uniform will include a mask, a cup of coffee, and an undeniable, unprecedented, and unequivocal desire to live.

A Happy New Year to you all. Let's not make 2021 nearly as memorable.