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Signs He's Too Selfish to Date

by Ossiana M. Tepfenhart 4 years ago in dating

Whether we like it or not, some people are too self-centered to actually be good in relationships.

Once upon a time, I dated a guy by the name of Brad. Brad was charming. He was a paid breakdancer and party promoter — and yes, Brad definitely had the body to match the profession. However, the keyword here is that I used to date him.

You see, Brad and I broke up because he never actually cared about anyone but himself. He loved the sex. He enjoyed our dates, when he bothered to actually go on them. And, he just assumed that I'd "deal with it" when he'd pop up again, as if nothing happened.

I really did like Brad, and for the longest time, I had a soft spot for his cocoa brown eyes. Unfortunately for him, I eventually realized that he should never be in a relationship. After all, he was too selfish to be good to anyone but himself.

If you're worried that you're being overly compromising, or if others have told you that your partner is being unreasonable, check out this list. If you notice these signs, then chances are that your partner is too selfish to be dating material.

If you bring up a concern, even one that you're pretty sure isn't unreasonable, he won't do anything.

Selfish people don't see things from other peoples' perspectives — or if they do, they really don't care enough to make a move on it. Many will just promise to make things better without actually lifting a finger. This is why you need to pay attention to what your partner does rather what they say in most cases.

Worse are the ones who don't even promise to make things better. Guys who minimize your concerns or otherwise tell you that they won't do anything to solve the problem at hand are not only selfish; they're likely to be abusive — and should be immediately dropped.

If you stand up for yourself, he leaves or otherwise refuses to deal with you until you "change your mind."

This kind of behavior is a form of exerting control, and depending on the situation, can be considered emotional abuse. The reason why it's abusive is because it tends to encourage people to "tiptoe" around a person in order to keep them around, and that tends to skew the relationship dynamics into a relationship that is no longer equally give-and-take.

Being stubborn or being this much of a jerk does not make a man strong. It doesn't even make him anything other than stubborn, selfish, and to a point, cruel. If this is the way he behaves, then he's definitely too self-centered to be worth dating.

You regularly feel like you need to have a very precarious balancing act in order to keep him with you.

One thing I noticed with guys who are super selfish is that they often make the other partner feel like they are walking on a tightrope. If you feel like the slightest issue will make them leave, it's because they know how to control you — and because they are playing you like a fiddle.

Should you notice this vibe in your relationship, it's time to break things off. Aside from being a sign that he's insanely selfish, it's also an indicator that he doesn't care enough about you to actually make the relationship work.

He treats his family and friends as tools.

With most men who are super-selfish, it's not only their spouses or partners that they treat poorly. It's also their friends and family — and in most cases, it goes by the same pattern.

If you notice that they have a tendency of using friends for money, rides, eye-candy, or even as status symbols, that's a sign that you may need to cut ties with him.

This pattern of behavior is a key indicator of sociopathy, and also is an indicator of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Both are personality disorders known for extreme selfishness and a penchant for abuse.

He seems eerily obsessed with "laying down rules."

A lot of men who are incredibly selfish as well as narcissistic have this weird obsession with being in control. They are the ones who will say what he's doing, what you're allowed to do, and the things you will just "have to deal with."

If the relationship starts off with him laying down rules that make you feel uneasy, the relationship should end right there. Some will also use that firm, commanding tone to make you feel accountable when things don't work out the way you want it to be.

For example, if you end up threatening to leave the date because he won't speak kindly to your parents, he'll likely say, "I already told you, I don't play this game with parents. My respect is earned."

He might also use this tone with you when you tell him that you want more, or that you want him to do something. He may say, "I don't know what you're expecting of me. I already told you that's not in the cards. It's your fault if you stayed."

This is a cruel way to push the blame on you — and yes, it's also incredibly selfish and manipulative of him to do.

He regularly expects you to pay for his stuff, even though he has money.

I'm a believer that people who are selfish are also greedy individuals. If he has money to pay for the bill but tried to "lose" his wallet at the end of the date, he's too selfish to be dating anyone but himself.

This is also true if the guy in question won't go on any dates with you that cost money, but will go on similar outings with friends. When this happens, he's looking for a Sugar Mama.

There are two reasons to dump a guy this stingy. First, it's bad for your wallet and self-esteem. Second, you can never tell if a guy who acts this way likes you or your bank account.

He's superficial.

Superficiality and selfishness have a tendency of going hand-in-hand. The reason why is hard to understand, but it's been noted by psychologists for quite some time. Oddly enough, both of these traits are seen in sociopathy and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Generally speaking, people who are very superficial also have the ugly trait of dropping people the moment that things don't look as good as "they should look." It's selfish, and it's callous, but it's the truth. In other words, guys who are very superficial will never be "ride or die" for you — even if they expect you to be that way for them.

He's straight up told you that your needs don't matter to him.

More often than not, this statement isn't totally alone. It's usually spoken along the lines of the lines below:

  • "I'm sorry, but your needs don't matter as much as my career/work/etc."
  • "I know you need this, but I won't give this to you. It's up to you to decide whether or not we stay together."
  • "I'm not going to put you above (insert name of ex or casual friend here). Deal with it."

Don't get me wrong. There are certain things you should prioritize above a spouse or a partner, such as family emergencies. However, if it's something like a friend's comfort or working long hours that are hurting your relationship with them, then it's clear he doesn't prioritize you highly enough.

You keep double-guessing yourself, wondering if you're being unreasonable with him.

One thing I've noticed is that it's never the selfish partner who second-guesses themselves in a relationship. Rather, it's the other person who the selfish one tends to use as a doormat who wonders if they are being unreasonable.

Let's be real, here. You're not unreasonable for wanting basic human respect. You are not unreasonable for wanting your partner to take your needs into consideration, and to work to make you feel secure in your relationship.

If you find yourself regularly questioning if you're being unreasonable, ask a friend — and then dump the person who is making you second-guess yourself.

He does things that he knows you're uncomfortable with, even though it's clear that it's upsetting you.

This can span a number of things. It could mean denying you affection, or it could mean flirting with other women. It could mean him refusing to speak to your loved ones, crossing physical boundaries, or standing you up on dates.

Any time a guy crosses a line that makes you uncomfortable, he's saying that his enjoyment or comfort is worth more than yours. If he regularly does this, it's a sign of how little he cares for anyone but himself.

If he's doing this, he's showing you he's too selfish to be dateable. So, stop writing him up as a "good guy with flaws," and see him for what he really is.

Ossiana M. Tepfenhart
Ossiana M. Tepfenhart
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Ossiana M. Tepfenhart

Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of NJ. You can message her via Twitter on @bluntandwitty or via Instagram on @ossiana.makes.content. She's always looking for freelance work and collabs!

See all posts by Ossiana M. Tepfenhart

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