Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I had lunch with a good friend of mine recently. She sits down and says “I just dropped a bomb in my life.”

She goes on to explain that she just told her husband of 20+ years that she is not “in love with him any longer.” In fact, she really doesn’t know if she was ever really in love with him. It had been coming for a long time. She had swallowed the anxiety and sadness for so long it just came bubbling up recently. Right before her youngest son’s birthday party she started bawling. It was her body/mind telling her it was time to go.

It’s hard to know, right? It can be complicated. You have been with each other for so long maybe we should just stay together? Maybe there are kiddos involved? Financial reasons that keep you in a less than great relationship, so many reasons.

How do you know if you should leave? After being in a 10-year long relationship that did not work out, here are my two cents.

1. Your partner tells you they love you and you say “why do you love me, give me some reasons”? They turn around and say “because you are honest” and that’s it. They cannot think of any other reasons why they love you. In my humble opinion when you are in love with someone there is quite the laundry list of why you love them. Usually.
2. Is there emotional or physical abuse? Nobody should ever hurt you physically or emotionally. You should not allow someone to hurt you physically or emotionally. I realize how challenging this issue is but having come from this type of environment I believe I can comment on it. Just a hard no.
3. Is there any kind of addiction going on? Alcohol, drugs, gambling, video games/being “plugged in” too much to your IPhone? Sad but true. I know a couple that got divorced because the female of the couple would never get off of her phone. <insert sad face here>
4. Cheating—I would have to say nope on this one too. If your partner wants someone else, then they should have them and not be with you.
5. Disrespect—This can take many forms. Does your partner talk down to you, make fun of you, or make you feel small. Do they make you the butt of their jokes? Time to go, or as the folks on the Canadian show Letterkenny like to say “pitter patter!”
6. The relationship is good physically and not good in any other way. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good shag like the next person! Unfortunately, if that is all that you have that is making you happy, then it’s not a relationship that will be successful and last.
7. You are doing all the giving or all of the getting. Either way it is not very balanced, and someone is not going to be happy.

Sometimes people feel like a failure, and that is what keeps them in a less than happy relationship. Also, scientifically there is something called the “Sunk Cost Effect.” When we put time and effort into something, we’re motivated to make it work. Therefore we often continue to invest in it, even if it brings us losses. Examples include continuing to pump money into a failed business, or attending a concert when sick because the tickets were purchased in advance.

Leaving a relationship that is not giving you what you need is a radical act of self care. Life is short. Be true to your heart and mind, don't beat yourself up. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy!

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