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Shameful Thoughts In A Survivors Mind

Thoughts inside of me

By Emily AurelienPublished 6 months ago 3 min read
Shameful Thoughts In A Survivors Mind
Photo by Ashley Whitlatch on Unsplash

I learned a long time ago, that words hurt. And it's to much at times the words of hate and racism. How is it all my life I never once thought of any of this. The sadness, the anger, how I feel alone most of the time. Most of the time it's easy lately not to so much.

I lost my aunt during Easter sunday, she was the last of the remaining family that was closest to on Mommow's side of the family.

Why is it that I feel so alone when I'm married, happily married at that. I'm in a strange city conscious of my surroundings. Yet nothing is the same at all, while we await news of my husband's green card paperwork processing my life becomes harder.

Every time I come back to the States I feel as though I always lose something that matters.

First, it was a miscarriage. Second, nearly my sanity. Third, nearly my rights could have been signed away. Forth, I missed my husband's birthday and dealing with my own problems as well as his.

Now, I'm here again rebuilding my income in a homeless shelter while everything slowly comes to place.

By Dyu - Ha on Unsplash

I look out every window absentmindedly feeling a sense of sadness that I don't always get what I want. Even though I am no stranger to this phrase.

I feel like no matter how hard I try nothing is good enough. My hardships have yet to be decided. I think I'm tired of the struggles, the sadness. Feeling I'm not good enough. But I think what makes things easier, is the support of those around me.

By Dev Asangbam on Unsplash

Today, is my interview I should be proud right now instead I feel ashamed. You know it's never easy when you try hard to prepare. Sometimes it's hard to take the feels of your spouse.

"Did a crazy person dress you."

No a crazy person didn't dress me. I dressed within my means.

Of course, he continues to insult, and of course I know I don't look good. I am trying my hardest. No, nothing is good enough. It's not to late... Are you trying to self-sabotage yourself? No, I'm not. You're dressing like a preschool teacher. As the insults pile up I'm crying now. I try to tell him how I feel, then me by not listening that hurts his feelings.

How is me not taking the bloody insults considered hurtful to him? I am dressing within my means. I don't understand anything now.

By now, what I learned in the mind of a survivor I know how I should be spoken to and it's not like that.

At this point I need a cigarette...

He really, hurt me.

"And I hope you get a good dose of reality."

In my mind, I already have and it's not this conversation. I swear what pisses me off more then anything is at first I almost believed what he said.

I will never believe an insult, I say in my head constantly.

By Bruno Martins on Unsplash

It just goes to show you, never believe insults anyone tells you. Whether it's a spouse, co-worker, or boss. Think highly of yourself, and hold on to those positive thoughts.

By Lesly Juarez on Unsplash

Don't mask your smiles when you feel miserable inside. Don't settle for less, think higher of yourself.

"Your not the only one with feelings."

Ya says the guy who said awful things about how I dress. When I'm trying to dress within my means.

When he spoke to me that way, I felt like I wanted to flaw out my own eyes. Even though I would never do no such thing.

As a survivor, I have let others victimise me for so long. But enough is enough. One of the shameful thoughts I have, is not worthy. Changing the mindset is probably the hardest.

I didn't self-sabotage myself at all, I don't know why he said this to me. I don't know if I will ever know. Still think he should be on fashion police, if it was still on air.


About the Creator

Emily Aurelien

The Struggle is real. Just once would I like to win a writing Challenge.

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