Sexting Blind

Ok so, I have had some crazy shit happen to me in my love life, hence why over the years my very closest friends have continuously insisted I tell my stories. So here is my first.

I really thought that when it came to dating, I'd had enough variety for a while, and so I started to make a conscious effort to minimise 'attention' that came my way. I was aiming to stop seeking out boys and situations regarding dating in general, in an honest attempt to reduce the dramas that came with them and the addiction to the highs and lows. I did this for my health, but mostly I decided I needed to grow up. I must admit I was starting to get somewhere with that personal challenge (or so I thought) and was feeling a lot better without the extra stress in my life.

So the universe was like "Oh you're trying to change your behavioral patterns? Here's something new for ya," and the 'crazy' peaked. I became very briefly tangled in a couple's marriage... yep, tangled, like… right up in that mess. And for one of the few times in my life, I was an innocent bystander at the start of this monogamous shitstorm.

Have you ever received a text from a random number, and you stare at it going through the mental list of people you have deleted, or when the last time was that your phone update wiped a bunch of your contacts? I have a few times. One time, the person and I had a sarcasm battle which had me in stitches before we swapped names and a photo just to know who we had been speaking to. We then agreed neither party was interested in the other, said our goodbyes and never spoke again.

So I assumed this was another one of those times to be honest, where banter with a faceless stranger is harmless entertainment for a few moments before you get back to life-ing.

It started when I was doing some spring cleaning, and checked my phone to see a text message from a random number saying "Hi" to which I replied "Hey sorry I don't have this number in my phone who's this?" assuming it was one of those people deleted by my last phone update disaster.

Random number: "Well, I guess you're not Elaina then! Haha"

Me: "No I'm not Elaina but I hope you find her haha!"

Random number: "Me too now!"

Me: "Elainnnaaaaaaaaa"

Random number: "I think you will have to yell louder she didn't hear you lol"

And then unfolded an entire day, yes, 9+ hours of banter, chatting, jokes, sarcasm, talking about ourselves, describing ourselves, and ultimately light flirting. I was having a fabulous time. Smiling and laughing like a teenager, I barely got a single thing done around the house. I couldn't believe my luck. He was the same age as me, Aussie, a business owner, smart, witty, funny, could hold a great conversation, aanddddd absolutely smoking hot! I literally laughed out loud in disbelief as I stared at the shirtless photo of an insanely fit tradie on my screen, who had the personality to match his looks, like is this for real?!?! Had to be a catfish, no? We were both in agreement that the connection between us was unusually strong and pretty damn cool, considering the way we came into contact.

Five minutes later I got the reality slap, back down to earth we go. He has two kids. Ok, that's cool, there is a large number of guys our age that have children so it's to be expected.

His ex is still ‘kind of' in the picture… hmmm??? They're in the midst of a break-up… mmm hmmmm… Dammit! The kids I could deal with, but this made me start to feel suspicious given his ease in sending photos and waves of compliments for hours on end, mixed in with 'I want to meet you's'.

At this point, I felt I had two options. Now, probably most of you would be like duh, run girl run! He's playin'. And yeah, in hindsight that seems like it would have been a smarter choice. But when you're balls deep in an incredible conversation with an amazing guy who is just so much like you and so much of what you want in someone, it's pretty hard to see the forest through the trees. I thought, "Well, I don't really know what's going on in his life, and I don't really know him, but what I DO know is that we have a strong connection packed with excitement, and we want to know each other more. So I'm going to do just that; explore this crazy situation more and see where it leads. Surely him finding me by accident was some sort of sign from the love gods yeah?"

I decided to put it out there and see if he wanted to call and have a chat, seeing as we had been texting for so long, and put the idea forward. He replied saying that this was too crazy, and he was enjoying it so much he wasn't ready for it to be that 'real' yet. That he wanted this to go on for a little longer before that next step. Guess that was a sign I missed, but once you have been on Tinder and spoken to many people, you realise not everyone takes things at the same pace or feels comfortable with phone calls.

By late afternoon it reached nudie pics territory, from him, instigated by him. And dayum he was fine. He had muscles and abs, but not the super cut bulging ones from the gym, naturally made ones from work and sport. And a tradie tan to match. Handsome face, nice dress sense. One good looking rooster! I complimented him heavily and sent a nice casual photo of myself from my Instagram (very clothed). His flirting turned up quite a few notches before he ended our cheeky conversation suddenly, saying his ex had come over to talk things out with him and he needed to go and give her the attention and respect she needed. I thought he was being quite honest about his current situation with his relationship and I appreciated the transparency. I wished him a good night, genuinely said I hoped he could sort things out and fix his relationship, thanked him for his honesty and we parted ways. I decided to enjoy the buzz from my weird little encounter of the day and leave it just there, in that day. He didn't leave my mind.

8pm. I was snuggled up in bed with my dog and a cup of green tea, Netflix TV series happening, feeling happy with my day and just so blissfully unaware of the poo cyclone brewing in the atmosphere. My phone beep beep's and I excitedly wonder who it is. Possibly my new friend…?

Text message 04** *** ***

"Hi my names Anna. I'm so sorry to randomly txt u but my husband hasn't been the best of husbands lately and I saw ur number pop up on his phone like a hundred times yesterday. I know u don't owe me anything and u don't know me, but would u mind telling me how u guys met? P.S. I feel so stupid asking. I just can't take another lie from him"

What the actual fuckin' FUCK! There it is! Back down to Earth we crash. You've gotta be fucking kidding me. I was momentarily in shock, reading over and over the message just blinking. Part of me wasn't surprised he was married at all. To be honest I was more worried about how this was going to affect me and what she was going to do.

I was expecting an angry wife who was about to unleash on me for seducing her husband, or at least some "stay away from my man!" type threats thrown my way. What I got was one of the kindest and most understanding women in the country, perhaps even the world…. Yep, I'm going to go with the World because not many chicks would take such an approach, I know for a fact I wouldn't be quite as friendly that's for sure. All she wanted was to understand why. Why he was doing what he was doing and if I had any information that could help her piece together what was happening in his head. She informed me that he had done this before with a woman whose phone number was almost identical to mine, that he must have been trying to contact her, and that he swore he wouldn't ever message her again. Hmmmmmmmm.

I figured at this point I had that same choice again: Stay and talk to her or bail. Bailing the most logical choice, and any sane person would have done so. Staying being the option somebody who hasn't learned a bloody thing would take. But I couldn't bail when I was speaking to such a sweet woman who was obviously in pain and seeking a shoulder to cry on, right? I felt bad for her, detached and wary, semi-responsible and also a little curious? Plus my inner masochist was ready to party. I couldn't seem to forget the amazing high that I was still buzzing off from my day with her husband. I knew it was wrong at that point to still be thinking about him after discovering he was a lying hubby, but I also knew that things aren't always as they seem, and weren't necessarily what either of them had said. Were they?

I suddenly get an apology text from him saying their talk hadn't gone so well and ended in a fight with her leaving the house for the night. This conveniently gave us the freedom to continue texting. He said she had called him out on his strange texting and asked who it was as she had seen the number come up on his phone over and over. He explained to her he contacted a random person by accident and it was an innocent chat and assured me he had kept my identity safe.

The conversation became more flirty and suggestive, him always pursuing. Meanwhile, his wife starts texting me, saying they had a fight. She was crying and upset and her kids were upset and she didn't know what to do and it was all emotions coming at me like as if I had some insight into his behaviour for her. "Ommagawwddd, why me". I really didn't want to get in this deep, and I really didn't want to be trying to console an upset stranger while I was having raunchy conversations with her husband. I felt so bad for her, mostly because I realised she was freaking out. She was telling me her only identity was as a wife and mother as they had been together since high school, and that she didn't work or have many hobbies because her kids and husband were "my everything" (eye roll). Was it wrong for me to pity her for the life choices she had made? That her current state of panic was due to a romantic fantasy that a teenage romance could last the decades till death do them part? I think I just pitied her for thinking monogamy wouldn't grow boring and affect their marriage at some point, that being with someone for almost 2 decades and only being in their very early 30's wouldn't cause some kind of pressure. I sent him a text telling him that his wife had contacted me upset and relayed her messages to him. I really was trying to show him that he had a good thing and she really loved him. He had a reasonable explanation for all of it then apologised profusely for her getting a hold of my number, explaining how she had access to his phone records online and found my number that way. Oooohhhh so THAT was why he wouldn't speak to me over the phone! Makes sense I guess.

I tried my very best to be kind to her, comfort and reassure her, and answer any questions she had on my interactions with her hubby without taking any sides or making assumptions. But my conversation with him had turned so steamy and he confidently described what he would like to do to me... Umm? It was hottt with three t's. And so it began. The sext with the married man. Steamy, descriptive, sexy, raunchy, delicious hot virtual sex that I fell completely into without hesitation. Meeting every seductive and descriptive text with a less impressive attempt of my own. Wriggling in my seat and clenching my thighs as I read his story and imagined his touch. It got heavy, loaded with photos being swapped and wetness building until release… aahhh, sweet sweet release. I was seriously surprised where it all came from; I mean, I'd never even met him or heard his voice, and yet his way with words and devious intentions sent my head into la-la land and my body to lust-ville. I really didn't give a fuck about his marriage problems, or his wife and kids, or any other shit you should care about. Besides, we never spoke, touched, or met... so is it even cheating? Either way, not one single fuck was given. Yep, I was being an arsehole. A test came my way and I failed in half a second and turned into a horny, selfish arsehole.

We said our good night's and exchanged our happiness at the way things were between us, and he continued to tell me how special I was, how much he valued me because I was a good person and that attracted him to people, how amazing it is we met and he believed it was fate, and thanked me for being so kind to his wife. I felt a bit uneasy about these types of messages but I pushed them to the back of my mind, silencing my gut and focusing on the fact I was having too much fun with this guy. And yeah, I was really good to his wife wasn't I? At least I felt I was.

Day two was much the same. Endless conversation via text. I kept asking if we could phone or video call so we could be a bit more ‘real' to the other person, but he kept saying he wasn't ready for it to be real yet, and that his wife would see his call log online and that would cause more problems. Fair enough I guess. I let it slide. Our questions got deep, and he started carefully questioning my loyalty, intentions, my morals as a person, asking questions relating to ‘hypothetically' what would I do if he was single or left his wife or came to visit me. He also kept saying he didn't know what to do, if he should throw his high school love away, how much effort it would be to leave when they have property and kids together, that it's been a long time coming yet he didn't know if he wanted to end it. I repeatedly and earnestly advised he take his wife to couples therapy, and that whether he did want to keep his marriage or not, it was best discussed with a professional in an adult manner where both of them could be present for such an emotional conversation. He eventually agreed to think about it, but I wasn't convinced. Aussie males and feelings right? "Therapy is for pussies and homos," " I don't need some stranger telling me what to do and how to feel," I hear it from guys all the time and it just annoys the shit out of me.

By the end of that day, he had gone home to an empty house, probably feeling sorry for himself with no female attention to make him feel superior. Again he started sending suggestive texts to me, and again he abruptly told me his wife was home and he had to go. A little feeling of something being really wrong began trickling from my gut and up into my foolish brain. That feeling grew stronger as I lay in bed that night. Stronger and stronger until I decided to really think hard about what I was doing. Once the rationalising was complete, I decided the best thing to do was to sleep on my conclusion.

I woke up the next morning, sleepily grabbed my phone and sent him a text him telling him that we shouldn't be in contact until he has sorted out his marriage and decided on what he's doing. Phew! I felt this instant relief arrive, thinking "yeah, you have done the right thing, the adult thing, you've learned so much from this lesson and you handled it well and you've ended it, what's done is done now it's time to move on with your own life".

He instantly agreed we should end contact so that was that. We went about our lives for the next two days, two days of peace and two days of missing this person. Why?! How?! The fuck is wrong with you girl?!

Honestly, I was pretty relieved to be being away from it all, until his wife's unexpected text burst my little bliss bubble. She told me they sorted things out and that she thinks she's going to "give it another try" and believe in what they have.

"Oh man she's forgiving him again." Her tone was optimistic, bubbly, happy! As if she had heard everything she wanted to hear, and believed it. She thanked me for my support and help and hoped to never hear from me again in the nicest way possible. I agreed and said goodbye to her, wishing her all the best with her life and marriage. Something about her overly enthusiastic message didn't seem right, and so I messaged him.

"You and your wife have sorted things out? Sorry, I'm not trying to break our no-contact agreement but she messaged me. Thought you should know".

"Hey there contacted u when and y?"

"Today"

"But y?"

So I sent him her message.

"Ah ok thanks for letting me know. I appreciate that. I don't know why she would say that nothing has changed…. lol"

WTF??

And so began another day of us chatting. He started again on the questions about where I would be if he left his wife and what would I do and would I be with him. Laying them on thick, and with an uncomfortable amount of intention. My gut and my brain finally synced up. I sensed trouble and I knew exactly what he was trying to do. He was trying to figure out if I would be his fall back so he could leave the safety of his marriage and family, and fall straight into the arms and safety of another girl who he could easily manipulate.

NOT on my watch buddy!

I don't know why it popped into my head, but I texted him explaining how in my next relationship I would like it to be an open relationship and explore the concept with someone. I felt there was more to him and that I should ruffle his feathers to see what came out. That sparked an entire day of heated debates. He was waving the flag for marriage, saying how amazing it was to have a best friend with you every day, how beautiful it is to build a life with one person and share that together. How his wife and children were the best things that had ever happened to him and he couldn't imagine life without them. How he just couldn't bear the thought of being with someone for them to suddenly get up and drive off to fuck someone else at any moment (I explained that's not how it works but he wasn't interested in learning anything new). That he would get too paranoid and jealous, he wouldn't be able to share his woman, he would hate other guys with her... ummmm… wasn't that what he was kinda wanting to do? To his wife? Drive off and fuck someone else? Everything he said was about how much he wouldn't share his woman, nothing he said implied that he couldn't hook up with other women.

All the dominant undertones in his messages suddenly became obvious. His narcissism becoming less hidden as I 'fought' for open relationships. He was losing control. Control of the conversation, control of me. He wanted a way out of his marriage without being single, with someone he could control and manipulate. Elaina was the first attempt at this and clearly, that didn't work out so well. So I was attempt number two (although there was a possibility of there being more women), and he was starting to recognise that he couldn't make me his plan B either. There was no way in hell I was going to be the person he dumped all his shit onto just so he could feel safe when he left his nest. No fucking way. By the afternoon we agreed to disagree, with him saying to me,

"well I guess that means we will never be together hahahaha"

Yeah ok, now the narcissism was really coming out. I knew he was getting shitty when his efforts to win the debate weren't working, and his charm began to crack. He then said he was heading home from work and his phone was flat.

Him: "I enjoyed our talks today, we didn't even get sexy so that's saying something!"

"P.S I'd rock your fucking world every day until u die !!"

Me: "Bye Bye"

I had no energy left for long-winded heartfelt messages any more. I wasn't liking the true nature creeping out of the closet. I was tired from thinking so much and trying to remember what I said to whom. Tired from drawing out his true colours.

An hour later he sent me a photo, a nude photo, in his bathroom at home titled "In case u missed me..."

"I'm in the shower thought I'd give u a parting gift of sorts"

"Got one for me ;)"

Me: "No"

Him: "Haha ok well anyways I guess goodbye for now…. I enjoyed today again… hopefully we will talk again soon. Have a nice night sweetie Xx"

Yuk. I felt weird. I felt yuk. I don't like feeling yuk.

9:45 PM, and in super sleepy mode when I get a text from his wife

" :( "

Fuck's sake, not again.

Me: "What's wrong?"

"didn't he tell u? he's been talking to u… and Elaina all day ;( … he left…"

HE WHAT!!! Turns out Elaina was a close friend of the wife. They had kids in pre-school together. Around the time of her divorce kicking off, she had messaged him and they had gotten into a raunchy text affair, photos included (obviously he was preying on the weak there). When he got busted by his wife he swore he would never do it again and he deleted her number. Seems somebody was getting restless and tried to track Elaina down again, but seeing as how her number was almost identical to mine he reached me instead. He told his wife, and myself, all he wanted was to say goodbye to Elaina before he and his family moved away (they had sold their house and were preparing to move to another state). But we all knew he wasn't contacting her for a simple goodbye message. He had promised his wife he would never speak to Elaina again, and also swore to me that he wasn't in contact with her because meeting me was amazing and he wanted to 'know me more'.

That deceptive little bag of penis cheese. I had started to suspect he was shady but I guess I underestimated him. He had literally no reason to lie to me, as I was the dirty secret, yet somehow he wanted more than his happy marriage and a sext buddy. He wanted the bitches flocking around him to caress his precious insecure little spineless ego. Up until this point I had honestly just seen a man who had been married early, had a house, a job, and kids and was bored with his life. That maybe he needed a little attention to buzz him back into reality. Some twisted part of me believed I was helping them out.

But this guy was further down the cheating rabbit hole than I thought. His wife was lost and confused and super upset, asking me what she should do and why was he doing it. She said he had just turned off his phone and that he could be with Elaina, who was still going through her divorce. She asked if she could trust me because Elaina was her friend and she's not sure who to trust any more. I explained that now I know he's a scheming piece of shit I could never fall for him and that I would help her in any way I could. Girl Code! Well, I broke the girl code initially but I saw a chance to make up for it.

She explained to me how he had massive up's and down's regularly, and that he has done this type of thing several times. As she continued to read his text messages that I was forwarding her, her feelings of betrayal grew more apparent. I realised that every time he did this to her, she believed his lies and took him back.

Her: " We made love this morning!! So why would he say there's no passion between us?! :( "

I felt kinda sick from that, we had been working each other up and flirting and then he went and took it out on his wife, a little disturbing.

Then she started to ask questions, and I realised he had lied about soooooooo much shit, and his wife realised he was lying to both of us. It just got worse.

Her: "did he tell u he was married?"

"why would he say we're on the rocks we aren't at all :("

"no we aren't breaking up!? did he say that?"

While we were having this girl one on one, she was texting her husband about their problems and asking him questions. It felt confusing. I asked her to stop messaging him, that I needed to ask him one question and she agreed. I tried a different angle with him, reminding myself he wasn't aware I was confessing to his wife. I messaged him asking what happened to Elaina? Did he find her? Was she someone I should worry about if we got together? He answered with a question that was an obvious move of a guilty conscience.

Him: "Can I ask you one thing first... Why the fuck did you tell her all the stuff I said to u?"

Me: "Which stuff. I‘ve told your wife many things and been honest with you about all of it. Just trying to do the right thing in this mess"

Him: "Well thanks ur honesty just cost me my marriage"

Me: "My honesty?! You're blaming ME for your marriage!? Wow"

Him: "It's fine I'm not mad at u... I did this… but this will be the last time we speak… sorry again. And please don't even msg her once more"

Me: "You still haven't answered my question. I think I deserve the truth considering what I've been involved in here"

Him: "Lol! I haven't talked to Elaina in months. Happy!!!"

Me: "You're such a narcissist. Good luck in the real world"

Him: "Lol cya mate… I'll be fine.. plenty of money for myself… and Elaina whenever I want…. Cya champ"

Me: "Fuck you. I sympathised with you. But not only did you lie to your wife you lied to me when you had no need to. That means it's beyond a marriage crisis. The way you've blamed me and acted is disgraceful and has erased all care and attraction I have to you. You're a bad egg. Go fuck yourself cause I won't be"

At that point, I had nothing left to lose. He had been a grade-A dick jockey and thrown a tantrum of blame my way. I figured all I could do at that point was to tell all to his wife in hopes she would have all the info she needed to make a decision for herself. I told her we sexted, twice. She asked for the photos he sent me and I sheepishly passed them on. She explained that some of the photos he had sent to Elaina and had kept on his phone. In some of them, she didn't know where he was or whose clothes he was wearing!

The last photo, the one he had sent me titled ‘in case you missed me' was taken in the bathroom that very same day. He had gone home to talk things out with her, told her he needed to pee and rushed straight through the house and into the bathroom. He locked the bathroom door and was taking ages so she started banging on it and asking why it was locked, that she was busting to pee and needed him to hurry up but he wouldn't respond. She was begging him to let her in and was almost in tears. After taking nudes of himself and sending them to me, and possibly Elaina, he came out angry at her for hassling him.

We continued to share information about it. She thanked me for the truth, then I started relaying the somewhat hostile conversation I was currently having with him, back to her. Texting two people in the middle of their marriage problems was so confusing and stressful to be honest. She was mad, called him a fucking liar a lot, most of what he said wasn't true, she couldn't believe it and she was gutted and that she couldn't stop sobbing. She said she was sorry but she had to tell him that she knew about me, and she wanted to leave him. That she had gone online and looked at his phone record and seen all his calls and texts to me and Elaina, sometimes on the same days, and she was done with his cheating ways. I had no choice but to let her tell him whatever she wanted, she was his wife, but I felt uncomfortable about it. I guess I knew he wouldn't take it well and it would blow back in my face.

Finally this asshole's true colours came out in full bloom. All the nice guy act and poor lost husband routine flew out the window completely, and he unleashed nasty, hurtful, spiteful, horrendous anger on me that just made me furious. He threatened to put my naked photos on Facebook, tag my entire friend list and send them directly to my family. He took things I told him in confidentiality and moulded them into bullets to shoot at me. The more I remained impartial and calm in my responses, the nastier he got. I sent his abusive texts to his wife. She kept apologising for his behaviour and gave me his name so I could block him on Facebook… which I did ASAP! But not before I had a little squizzy squiz, caus, who wouldn't. I let him know he had administered his threat via text so if he did anything I had proof easy as pie. He kept repeating how amazing his life was and that he had pussy available to him whenever he wanted from whoever he wanted. The worst thing he said was his wife was replaceable. I was horrified. He kept going on and on and on about how fucking impressive he was until I had a gut full and sent him one last text. Yeah, I threw a low blow because I was fucking furious and I had run out of fucks to give.

"I'm mad because you treated me like trash and threw me away for no real reason, so like I said fuck you!"

"Actually no fuck you, John Smith, yes I know your name. You're so much more unattractive than I thought. Classic prawn. Dodged a prawn there"

Then I blocked his number. His wife agreed that he had some serious mental issues, she had thought it for a while and wondered if she was going crazy. I explained people like him will make you believe you ARE crazy just to deflect the blame and attention on them having to face themselves and the damage they do. That they have no interest in changing. That they will continue to tangle your mind until you have no sense of self left.

I decided this absurd situation had gone on long enough, said goodbye to her and wished her luck. Poor thing. I knew her life was just about to enter a huge upheaval full of pain and anger and fear and stress, and I hoped she would make it through and find someone who would treat her right. I messaged her the next day offering to speak on the phone if she had anything else she wanted to know. I never heard back which I decided was a good thing. Done with this situation.

The whole thing was crazy. I learned a lot, and in some weird way I maybe I had helped them? Helped her? Or made her life harder? I have no idea to this day and still wonder about them sometimes. What do you think? Should I have stayed out of it from the start? Did I help the wife uncover a cheating husband for good or did I ruin things for them? Have you ever had a conversation with a stranger?