Seeing the Pattern.
And no longer trying to get the other person on board.
See that dot in the middle of the picture? That's me inside aware of the repetitive pattern Paul represents. Passive-agressive, insecure, takes his pissy moods out on me, until he feels like shit and then is nice to me. Buys me random gifts, tells me about fixing the fence is now a priority, and then is sure to get a thank you out of me by mentioning the kind email he sent earlier today.
I have one of two choices here. I can either: thank him, or tell him that he no longer gets to treat me this way. If I go with the flow and thank him, that doesn't mean that he walks all over me. It means that I recognize the pattern and choose not to engage in The Wrath of Paul.
If I tell him he no longer has the right to take his shitty moods out on me for no reason and then act as if nothing ever happened; well then my night would not be calm.
You see, in the beginning I didn't see the pattern and engaged in every arguement or disagreement until we'd end up talking. I always thought we were on the same page during those make-up conversations. Always. I believed what he said, until one day I noticed that nothing from his words changed. I wanted him to see it so bad and thought it was my job to help him see it.
I now realize it isn't my job to help him on his spiritual path; it's his job to become aware of his ugly side, be okay with it, reconcile with it, and move onward so that he doesn't repeat the pattern; with himself or others. The best thing that I can do for Paul is to live my life by example and continue to focus on myself, my goals, and my desires.
Because if I allow myself to get sucked into The Wrath of Paul, the emotional upheaval, and the stress of it, I get depressed and throw myself a giant pity party. Blah. Blah. Blah. No one wants to hear it. What's my next best right step? That's the question I switch to asking myself if I feel the slippery slope of 'oh whoas me'.
It's tough when you see something in someone else and they don't see it. But you want them to see it. And you think you are the one that's there to help. But you aren't and all that does is make that other person mad because they think you are trying to tell them how to live their life.
You keep giving them chance after chance after chance to redeem themselves yet they don't. Not because they don't want to.
But because they truly do not see the pattern. They have absolutely no idea of what you're talking about when you say anything. With no comprehension whatsoever; he believe that it's normal- the pattern.
I sit here writing this and Paul is in his bedroom awake on his iphone. He knows I am awake as well and I've been quiet all night because I'm done with the pattern yet he's not. He's now in the phase where right before bed he might get up to go have a cigarette or pee and will go to bed with some emotion on his mind. Tomorrow morning I'll receive a text or phone call or email with him wanting to talk.
Really what this is is the 'next phase of the pattern'. This is a relatively new phase since I've stopped engaging with Paul, he has had to resort to new tactics to try and maintain control over me.
I remain focused on me, focused on my work, and focused on what I want.
My prayer is this: Help me have courage in my heart to stay focused especially during the toughest moments.
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