Seasons of Life

Best Friend,

Do you remember?

Warm days, the sun on your back. Your golden blond hair in the wind as you ran through the park. Bright pink lollipop hanging off my lips while you snack in a field of grass that seems to go on forever. The orange glow off the blue waves set us to sleep as we held each other tight well into the morning.

Burnt red and yellow leaves fall with no sound. Cold days are met by colder nights kept close to you. I love this time of year, you, not so much. Smells of cinnamon and honey weave through the house while we fill the remaining space with laughter. Flour on our faces, eggs smashed on the floor. A cold breeze blows through an open window, you give me your sweatshirt to keep me warm.

White powder flutters on light lashes as we sing down the block. Holding hands, rubbing thumbs, three squeezes kept a secret. Red cheeks touch, only for a moment in star-clad darkness as lips race to find one another. Tightly wound scarves feel like icicles hanging from our necks as we whispered sweet nothings between short breaths.

Rain drops fall on gravel roads and you roll down your window to get a taste. The smell of pine trees and flannel shirts, I tell you it’s going to be a long night. Tears fall from cheek to chest, windows fog with the weight of words gone unspoken for too long. I made you a promise to get better. A promise I had no business in making.

Seasons came and went, each one different from the last. I never saw myself falling in love. Each day I look in the mirror to find lonely eyes staring back, but you come up behind me with strong arms, reassuring my place in your life. Things were simpler four years ago, we were both still kids. We threw around I love you’s like they were free, and kisses like they would buy our way to happiness. You stayed simple, still finding joy in life moments that meant little to me. My wandering heart left us picking up the pieces of shattered memories. Dark clouds hanging over my head left everything to be desired in a world that gave me nothing. My Nana used to tell me that I was born with a broken heart, and for a long time, I was convinced it would be broken forever.

But four years ago in the middle of a blizzard my heart found warmth in your arms. You taught me my brokenness is nothing to be ashamed of. My broken pieces put together form a story of strength and resilience. Comfort and understanding radiate through my cracks like a lighthouse through a storm bringing peace to those who need it most. You still throw around I love you’s like their free and kisses to pay for my smiles.

I gave everything I had to others, never saving love or time for myself. I never received any of it back until you came into my life. Giving and giving and never asking in return, I was confused. My basket was empty until I met you. You filled it with laughter and late night drives to nowhere.

Seasons of life, no matter how different and challenging they may be, brought me to where I am. Next to you a 2am, clutching to the light of your smile. I was born into brokenness and while you could never fix it, you taught me to love and care for my broken pieces. You taught me how to be receptive to love and gentleness, and how to receive without giving, a concept that took a long time to grasp.

You could never understand how much you’ve given me. In silence and absence you still give me more than I could ever ask for. And I know I’m not all better, I’ve got a long way to go until then. But with you by my side I find it a less daunting task. So thank you. For all you’ve given me that I can never return.

You will always be my best friend. I love you.