Running Away is the Easy Part

I've always been a runner. When something goes bad I run. It is what I am good at. Someone breaks my heart and I'm gone. I get bored I'm gone. Leaving is easy for me. Perhaps it's because I was left so many times I got used to it. I don't even have to think about it anymore. I pack my bags and I'm gone. For someone who is really good at leaving I am awful at goodbyes. I just keep thinking that there is no place for me here. I am used to being a certain kind of alone. I can never go back to who I was back then. I will not be that scared little girl again. I remember packing my bags while my boyfriend at the time was begging me to stay. Even after me telling him to come with me he wouldn't. His family meant more to him than it did to me. I guess I paid the price now. I do not really have any family anymore. I chose to leave no one was forcing me. I very well could have stayed and enjoyed my new slightly boring life of working and going home, but that was starting to get very boring. I don't regret what I did then but it hurts to remember that time in my life. Maybe I should have wanted less. I was always hungry for something more, something better. I was fearless at 18 but maybe I was just faking it. I was so young and I behaved like an 30 year old. Now I feel stuck at the age of eighteen. Stuck standing still.

I think I am good at two things running away and being alone. I want to be somewhere where no one knows me, so I leave. I left my hometown when I was 18. I only came back for a funeral. I do not think that I can go back now. While I am good at running away, the act of leaving breaks my heart. I listen to my mentors in every new city I am in. They say the same things. I listen and I know that I could live a better life, be softer, kinder, and maybe stay in one place and maybe this time I will be able to stay. I guess it's the same as it always was. How many times can I leave and get away with it, before I turn into someone else completely? before it's some kind of murder? Every time I leave I promise myself that I will stay this time but I never do. What would I be without the running away? Perhaps I took the cut it out it no longer serves you advice to heart. Whenever I think that it no longer serves me or I get bored I'm done and I'm off to a new place. It is hard and I'm not quite sure why I do it. I just have the urge and I'm gone. I should probably work on that. I would do anything to not have that urge, I can work on it if I knew what I had to work on.

I made my choice, I live with it. But I don't really sleep anymore. I keep repeating the first time I left over and over again. The leaves change and it's suddenly fall now. I don't fully understand why I left home. I no longer see how a smart girl like me decided to be the girl who packed her bags. I was a desperate girl who ran.