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Rules for Repair and Re-connection

by L.R. Marmor 2 months ago in advice

When you are on the razor's edge of divorce

Rules for Repair and Re-connection
Photo by Joel Overbeck on Unsplash

Love: The emotional roller-coaster

Have you ever found your found yourself staring at a happy elderly couple that just seem to be grateful to be in each other's presence together? I'm sure the questions ran through your head like a freight train yet the biggest one of them all being, 'How did they do it?'. When we view these wonderful couples that seem to emit this wonderful symbol of timeless love, we easily overlook the possibilities they went through troubled times together and individually.

The fact is we have no idea (unless we ask them) what battles they went through, and what methods it took for them to work their lives out together. Even though times and society has changed over the years the things that don't change are love, and how we grew up. How you grow up has an effect on you when it comes to having and sustaining a healthy relationship. There are ups and downs with every relationship some more than others however, relationships are like a fine wine as they get better in time when both people work at it together.

Even though times have changed many people still grow up having rough childhoods and came from broken or dysfunctional homes. Understand that no one is perfect and we all have our short comings when it comes to growing and building our relationships. I have been through this myself in the various relationships that I have had in my past, but in each one I learned a lot about myself.

I also learned how my actions due to my mindset even though I had the best of intentions was still damaging. I learned that negative communication all because we are holding onto our ego kills relationships. I learned the hard way that you never compare you past relationships openly with your current partner as you are setting them up with self doubt.

By Alex Iby on Unsplash

Your Situation

Everyone who finds themselves in this situation of being at the door of divorce must find the root cause to this situation, and set themselves aside and take responsibility. Everyone's situation is going to be different but the one they all have in common is their communication with their spouse broke down along the way. Finding the root cause in this will help you not only understand the situation but help you in thinking of ways to correct yourself and grow.

If there is cheating and or domestic violence involved then I would say it is best to walk away (My opinion). I am talking about finding out what lead to the disconnection and the damage, this really needs to be assessed here. Being honest with yourself versus focusing on pointing the finger at the other person is the best place to start. This can be easier said than done however, this is something that is crucial for your own growth.

Sit down and write out all of the areas that you have failed in as this gives you a list to start working on yourself. Next, write out all of the things that you absolutely love about your partner. Now write out the things that put you in such dismay by your partner, and write what you both can do to repair these issues. Understand your partner will have a list of their own as well and sometimes it's not the easiest thing to hear.

Rules for Repair and Re-connection

If you two are ready to try and reconcile your differences, utilize these rules to help you both.

  1. Respect each other!
  2. STAY OUT OF YOUR EMOTIONS (I can't stress this enough)
  3. Talk in private (not in front of children if there are any in the relationship, they don't need to know everything)
  4. Create time to sit down with each other and calmly talk about the problems, but give solutions to those problems that are fair for both of you.
  5. Start off with 3 things that you both need to work on then give it a break (unless you two feel like you can discuss more without getting heated)
  6. Communicate effectively and utilize your active listening skills.(you want to be heard and understood and so do they)
  7. Go do something together that you both enjoy if this is possible for both of you (so that your visit with each other isn't surrounded in negative aura)
  8. Be thoughtful and try doing some of those little things you used to do that made them feel like a priority.
  9. Let them know where you were wrong and how you are trying to fix your behavior (they need to see you are responsible and that you are trying to change)
  10. From here on out Keep repeating these rules and do not get comfortable and stop (Because the new behavior needs to be practiced until it's automatic response. If this stops so does your growth)
By Romanul Hoqe on Unsplash

Now that you both are practicing these rules and spending more time together working on your relationship, the healing can begin but it won't happen over night. When you are on the razor's edge of divorce and you both start working towards reconciling your relationship grows to a whole new level. Both of you become more understanding and passionate with each other with less discourse.

As time goes on the next thing you know, you and your spouse are the one's everyone is looking at asking themselves the questions from the beginning of this article. Everyone wishes to be accepted and loved by their mate, along with feeling connected to each other on a very high level. Stick with these rules as the basis and foundation of your relationship with each other and you both will attain just that.

If you have made it this far, Thank you for taking the time to read my work!

advice
L.R. Marmor
L.R. Marmor
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
L.R. Marmor

Writer of short stories and poems on Medium and Vocal.

Military Veteran/Law enforcement

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