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REVERSE THE TIME

I DIDN'T DO IT

By BA RobinsonPublished 3 years ago 8 min read
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FIND HER CROWN

I DIDN’T DO IT

SELF ABUSE IS NEVER A GOOD THING BUT IF YOU DON’T LEARN HOW TO TRULY LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, YOU WILL ACCEPT ANYTHING AND EVERYHTING WILL BECOME YOUR BATTLE.

FROM THE TIME I CAN REMMBER AS A LITTLE GIRL UNTIL NOW. I HAVE HAD THE SELF-AFLICTED BURDEN OF MAKING EVERYONE ELSE HAPPY.

MAYBE, I SHOULD ELABORATE SO LET’S GO BACK IN TIME.

AS ALITTLE GIRL I THOUGHT I HAD TO BE THIS PERFECT CHILD FOR MY MOM. I THOUGHT IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD TO CAUSE HER ANY PROBLEMS.

NOW, THAT MAY OR MAY NOT SOUND NORMAL OR REASONABLE TO SOME, BUT FOR A CHILD IT WAS DESTRUCTIVE.

FOR A CHILD IN AN ALREADY ONE PARENT HOUSEHOLD IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF WHAT SEEMED LIKE A VERY LONG FALL DOWN A STEEP HILL.

NOW, I AM SURE YOU ARE ASKING WHY? WHY DIDN’T I WANT TO CAUSE HER ANY FRUSTRATION? CHILDREN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO BE KIDS, RIGHT? WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS A CONSTANT REMINDER OF THE HURT SHE WENT THROUGH WITH MY DAD SO TO AVOID HER ANYMORE HURT I WOULD BE PERFECT. I THOUGHT I REMINDED HER OF HIM BY JUST EXISTING, AND I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT SO I HAD TO BE PERFECT, RIGHT?

ANYTHING, THAT I THOUGHT WOULD MAKE HER HAPPY OR PLEASE HER I DID IT. I PLAYED PIANO, STAYED ACTIVE IN THE CHURCH, FOCUSED ON SCHOOL AND ACCOMPLED GOALS, I DIDN’T HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS ALL THE TIME OR GO OUT.

WHEN I DID NOT FULLY SUCCEED IN MY GOAL TO BE PERFECT FOR HER, I WAS THE WHIP TO A SLAVES ALREADY BRUISED BACK TOWARDS MYSELF. I REMEMBER BEING SO HARD ON MYSELF TO BE BETTER, TO DO BETTER.

MY DAD AND I DIDN’T HAVE THE BEST RELATIONSHIP AS YOU COULD IMAGINE AND I BLAMED MYSELF FOR THAT AS WELL. I LISTENED TO HIS COMPLAINTS AND CRITIZIMES ABOUT ME AND TOOK THEM TO HEART. I BEGAN INFLICTING THAT PAIN ON MYSELF, TELLING MYSELF THAT MY SKIN COLOR WAS TOO DARK AND THAT’S WHY HE DIDN’T LOVE ME, I WASN’T SKINNY ENOUGH, MY GRADES WEREN'T PERFECT ENOUGH AND I WAS THE REMINDER OF THE MAN HE COULDN’T BE; I WAS THAT CONSTANT NEEDLE IN HIS BACK THAT HE COULDN’T REACH AND GET RID OF. THE TRAGEDY WAS THAT I KNEW HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN RID OF ME IF HE HAD THE CHOICE.

I THINK I HATED HIM MORE BECAUSE OF THAT THAN ANYTHING. I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY, WHEN HE DECIDED TO BARE HIS SOUL. HE SAT THERE TELLING ME THAT HE HAD GIVEN MY MOM ANOTHER OPTION BUT SHE CHOSE TO HAVE ME. HE DIDN’T WANT ME; I THINK MY HATRED OF HIM STEMMED FROM THAT. I HAD NOT ALWAYS BEEN IN DISLIKE OF MY FATHER, INFACT I LOVED HIM AND WOULD HAVE AT ONE POINT IN TIME GIVEN MY LEFT ARM FOR HIM, BUT EVEN KIDS SEE THE THINGS THAT ARENT SAID, THOSE SILENT WORDS, THE THING YOU FEEL BUT WONT ACTUALLY SAY. BUT THEN HE SAID IT AND WELL, AFTER THE HURT AND PAIN OF IT ALL EASED THE HATRED BEGAN TO GROW AND LINGER. WHY WOULD SOMEONE TELL THEIR CHILD THEY DIDN’T WANT THEM? WHY WAS IT SO EASY FOR HIM TO MAKE THAT A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION WITH ME? THE CHILD HE DIDN’T WANT.

THROUGHOUT THE YEARS I PRACTICED THIS SAME DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IN MY RELATIONSHPS, I WOULD GO OVER AND BEYOND FOR THESE GUYS AND TRY TO MAKE THEM HAPPY BECAUSE THEIR EXS OR PARENTS HAD HURT THEM PRIOR TO ME OR LIFE IN GENERAL HAD NOT CONSISTENTLY PROVIDED THAT PERRFECT COOL BREEZE. I WAS GOING TO SAVE THEM FROM THEIR PAIN. I WOULD ALLOW THEM TO DIM MY LIGHT, CRUCIFY MY HEART, AND THEN CODDLE MY BRUISED SOUL WITH LIES AND MEANINGLESS WORDS.

EACH TIME THE SITUATION ENDED I WALKED AWAY WITH MORE SCARS THAN BEFORE.

I BECAME SO COLD AND THE LONLINESS I FELT WOULD BE SOMETHING I BEGAN CLINGING TOO. THE DARKNESS I LIVED IN FOR ALL OF THOSE YEARS BECAME SO COMFORTING.

YOU SEE, I WASN’T JUST DESTROYING MYSELF IN ONE OR TWO WAYS. I WAS ALSO BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED. I NEVER UTTERED A WORD WHILE I ENDURED THE ABUSE, I THOUGHT IT WAS MY FAULT, “YOU ARE THE CHILD NO ONE WANTED,” I WOULD TELL MYSELF. “YOU ARE THE REMINDER, THE SCAR THAT WON’T HEAL.”

I ALLOWED EVERYONE ELSE’S HAPPINESS AND COMFORT TO COST ME EVERYTHING. I BECAME DEPRESSED AND EVEN COLDER, I SILENCED MY SELF AND CREATED FOR HER A PATH TO DESTRUCTION.

I COULDN’T TRUST ANYONE, BECAUSE I HAD BEGAN TO FEEL USED AND ALONE INSIDE, SELF-AFLICTING SCARS MIXED WITH BRUISES FROM OTHERS WILL DO THAT TO YOU.

I REMEMBER THINKING IF I DIDN’T ALLOW THEM TO DO THIS TO ME; IF I DIDN’T ALLOW MY ABUSER TO SEXUALLY HARM ME OR MY EX’S TO USE AND HURT ME THEN THEY WONT LOVE ME. IF I PLANTED MY SCARS AT MY PARENT’S FEET THEY WOULD FOR SURE HATE ME.

I EQUATED LOVE WITH ABUSE.

MY IDEA OF LOVE FOR SO MANY YEARS WAS TO PUT MY WANTS AND NEEDS TO THE SIDE BECAUSE I HAD TO ENSURE THAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS HAPPY AND FULFILLED.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE PERSON THAT I KNEW I DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS WITH. HER LOVE AND AFFECTION WERE UNCONDITIONAL AND I KNEW I NEVER HAD TO PROVE MY VALUE TO HER. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY SHE WAS SO DIFFERENT SO I CONSIDERED HER HEAVEN SENT. WE HAD A CONNECTION THAT WOULD HAVE NEVER GONE AWAY.

SO, WHEN SHE DIED, THAT BIT OF MY HEART I THINK DIED TOO.

I REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF HOW COULD GOD TAKE HER FROM ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE THOSE TIMES I WAS THE VILLIAN, THOSE TIMES I WAS TOXIC, THAT MAYBE THIS WAS MY PUNISHMENT.

WHEN YOU ALLOW YOUSELF TO BE ABUSED THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO FACE, MINE WERE ROOTED SO DEEP INSIDE.

MINE WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO TRULY ALLOW ANYONE TO GET CLOSE TO ME. I FEARED HURT AND THE IDEA THAT SOMEONE COULD GET CLOSE TO YOU AND THEN HARM YOU, REALLY TRICK YOU INTO LOVING THEM WAS UNREAL TO ME. TO AVOID ANYMORE PAIN I CREATED A HARD SHELL THAT NO ONE COULD BREAK OR BE ALLOWED TO DIMINSH. THE THING IS THAT I WAS ONLY HURTING MY SELF MORE AND MORE. BUT I RATHER HURT ME THEN SOMEONE ELSE, RIGHT? I COULD COME BACK FROM THAT, RIGHT?

WELL, I DON’T KNOW.

BUT ONE DAY I WAS WATCHING THIS VIDEO. WILL SMITH AND JADA WERE TALKING AND I WILL NEVER FORGET HIS WORDS, HE SAID, “HER HAPPINESS WAS NOT HIS RESPONSIBILITY.”

I REMEMBER LISTENING TO IT OVER AND OVER. REPLAYING IT IN MY HEAD AND THEN LATER AND I MEAN HOURS LATER, EVEN DAYS AND MONTHS LATER STILL REPLAYING IT. BECAUSE FOR SO LONG I HAD MADE MYSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR HAPPINESS. I HAD GIVEN MY SELF AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK. I THOUGHT THAT I HAD TO BE THEIR SAVING GRACE, THAT I NEEDED TO BE WHO EVERYONE LEANED ON, THAT IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO BE THERE FOR EVERYONE ELSE, BUT I HAD NEVER GIVEN ANYONE ELSE THE TASK TO BE THERE FOR ME.

WHY HAD I SO WILLINGLY ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE DESTROYED BY THE IDEA OF RESPONSIBILITY? WHY HAD I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE THE PERSON EVERYONE ELSE COUNTED ON BUT NOT THE PERSON I COULD COUNT ON.

IT WAS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.

I DIDN’T DO IT.

I DIDN’T HURT THEM.

I DIDN’T CAUSE THEM THAT GRIEF.

THEIR PROBLEMS WERENT MINE TO FIX.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF WEIGHT THOSE STATEMENTS CARRY? THE CONSTANT DESIRE TO BE SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOUDLER AND THEY ARENT GIVING YOU THE SAME IN RETURN. NOR ARE YOU ASKING FOR IT.

I REALIZED THAT I SHOULDN’T BE FOR ANYONE ELSE, WHAT THEY CANNOT OR WILL NOT BE FOR ME.

WILL NOT BE FOR ME, THAT PART; BECAUSE YOU SEE SOMETIMES IT ISNT WHAT PEOPLE CAN’T DO, ITS WHAT THEY WON’T DO. SOME PEOPLE WILL ALLOW YOU TO GIVE THEM EVERYTHING AND WILL NOT OFFER YOU A BAG OF CHIPS IN RETURN.

I REMEMBER, WASHING MY YOUNGEST SON’S BOTTLES ONE NIGHT AND THINKING I HAVE TO STOP BEING SO TOXIC TO MYSELF. I HAVE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO BE THERE FOR THEMSELVES AND IF WHO I AM WITH ALL OF MY BEAUTY AND ALL OF MY WHIT ISNT ENOUGH FOR THEM. IF I DON’T FIT, THEN I SHOULD ALLOW THEM TO WALK AWAY.

I THINK SO OFTEN WE WANT SO MUCH FOR THINGS TO WORK.

WE WANT RELATIONSHIPS TO LAST, TO WORKOUT SO WE IGNORE THE TRUTH ABOUT SOMEONE AND WE MAKE THEM FIT INTO OUR LIFE.

BUT WHEN YOU ARE PUTTING TOGETHER PUZZLE PIECES YOU WANT THE PIECES TO GO WHERE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE; BECAUSE WHEN A PIECE IS PLACED WHERE IT BELONGS THE END RESULT IS A MASTERPIECE.

SOMETIMES THINGS DON’T WORK OUT BECAUSE THEY DON’T FIT. YOU CAN TRY AND TRY AND TRY, HAVE TWO AND THREE KIDS BY A PERSON BUT IF THAT PERSON DOESN’T FIT IT WONT WORK.

I THINK WE PROLONG OUR OPPORTUNITIES TO REACH THE BEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES BY TRYING TO MAKE THINGS FIT WHERE THEY DON’T BELONG.

I HAVE CHALLENGED MY SELF EVERYDAY TO ALLOW THINGS TO FIT AND IF THEY DON’T THEN ALLOW THEM TO GO. SOMETIMES I FAIL IN THIS ENDEAVOR.

BUT YOU CAN’T CONTINUE BEING SOMEONE’S PUNCHING BAG, YOU DIDN’T HURT THEM. YOU ARE NOT THE REASON THEIR SPIRIT IS BROKEN AND IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX THEM.

YOU CAN’T CONTINUE BEING SOMEONE’S LOYAL RAG DOLL YOU DIDN’T HURT THEM, YOU DIDN’T LEAVE THEM, AND IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX THEM.

BUT YOU DID AND YOU ARE HURTING YOU. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE AND KEEP YOU HAPPY. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX YOU.

DON’T ALLOW PEOPLE TO MAKE YOU THEIR VICTIM, AND DON’T ALLOW PEOPLE TO USE YOU TO VICTIMIZE THEMSELVES.

IF YOU DON’T LEARN TO TRULY LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, YOU WILL ACCEPT ANYTHING AND EVERYHTING WILL BECOME YOUR BATTLE.

humanity
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About the Creator

BA Robinson

My first love is writing. I started writing in elementary, my first poem was a dedication to the families and friends who lost loved ones in the 9/11 tragedy. I am ready to share some of my work with the world and for this adventure.

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