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Relationship and Love Tips

Some advice from an average woman in love.

By TosiePublished 4 months ago 18 min read
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The key to a happy relationship is well documented online. I find this to be a false statement. I don’t believe the couples who post every single moment of their lives online are truly happy. I understand posting a picture or a video to mark a happy occasion or a post dedicated to the love one now and then to show affection but the couples who are constantly showing off to the world about their “amazing” relationship are not as happy as they appear.

If you were truly in love with someone and felt you found the one as it were, you would spend your time and effort on that person, making an effort to be with them. You wouldn’t be glued to your device thinking of what pictures are the good ones to use online, figuring out which hashtag will get you the most attention and follows, constantly writing and rewriting the post to appear with the times and showing just how in love you are.

My personal love story starts when I met my partner through the magic of the internet by using a dating app. Now we were both on this app for a while before we found each other and we later both admitted if we hadn’t had met when we did, we would have both deleted the app. Now I know that sounds cliché, but it was true. I was sick of guys either asking for nudes, sending me dick pics and simply ghosting me because I didn’t want to share dirty secrets. Bunch of creeps on the app, not to mention men about three times my age asking if they can be my sugar daddies. No I didn’t want that, sorry not sorry. My experience seems to be a typical girls experience of the app. My partner’s experience was slightly different in that any girl he tried to talk to wouldn’t last long as none of the girls he matched with would have a conversation. He said they pretty much would go silent after a few back and forth of general chit chat. So, he got ghosted a lot of the time and when he did have a conversation with a girl they didn’t want it to go further than that. My partner was tired of being ghosted and was finding it hard to match with women on the app as there wasn’t much in common on the basis on their profiles. He found me and saw I was really into harry potter and lord of the rings. That was his ice breaker to me, asking me who my favourite character was in lord of the rings. We chatted for a whole week about movies, tv shows, music, our families etc before we decided to meet up at the Christmas Market in Edinburgh. Get ready for another cheesy line but from the moment we met we knew we were meant for each other. Our original plan was to meet at the market, take a wonder, get a hot chocolate and a bite to eat but we got too busy chatting we walked around all the different parts of the market for about 4 hours and when we finally realised the time I had to go catch my train home. We shared a kiss that date and soon were going on about 3 dates a week.

We are now living together in a house we bought and planning our wedding. We’ve been together for nearly 4 years and been in engaged for nearly 2 years of it. We survived the pandemic together. At the time of Covid the country (UK) went into lockdown in March 2020. My mum’s health wasn’t great, I was still working and so was my dad. To help reduce the risk of catching covid and possibly risking my mum’s health, my partner suggested I move in with him and his parents. This was a sweet suggestion as I knew his dad wasn’t in great health either but my partner really didn’t want us not to spend time together as we didn’t know how long lockdown was going to be and we knew that during lockdown we wouldn’t be about to meet up so I agreed and I’m so glad I did. It put our relationship to the test and it showed that me and him could live with each other quite easily.

I am the one in the relationship who does post on Facebook and Instagram about our relationship when something exciting happens, for example when we bought our house, or if its an anniversary. I generally love spending time with my other half so I’m not focused about broadcasting it on social media, I’m in the moment with my lover. They say opposites attract but me and my partner are so similar that it works really well.

So here are my top tips for a good, happy relationships:

1. Always be Open and Honest. Seems pretty straight forward, tell the truth and don’t keep secrets. You need to be able to tell your partner anything and secrets, unless they’re good ones like a surprise birthday party, only makes things complicated. If you’re open and honest about your situation the person who you’re meant to be with will understand and be there for you just like you’ll be there for them.

2. Communicate but also Listen. To be able to communicate is key in nearly everything in life. Relationships are the same. You and your partner need to be able to communicate how you feel, what you are thinking about, your future plans, your past – everything should be communicated in a safe space. Part of the communication is to listen, really listen. You need to show your partner you’re understanding what they are going through, how they are feeling and being supportive in the best way you can. Sometimes part of the listening is letting your partner vent and just being there for them is enough.

3. Space. Both people in the relationship do need their own space. Now sometimes that might mean doing different things in the same room, could be they have their own room they can go to, to be by themselves, it could mean doing a hobby without the other one involved such as going to the gym or a book club. Some couples may love spending every minute with their other half, I know me and my partner do but we still give each other space. My partner plays Warhammer and paints and makes his own model, since we don’t have children at the moment, one of the bedrooms is his Warhammer room. That’s his space and quite often he will allow me to be in his space while he is painting/making his Warhammer model and I might make a painting or read a book. Likewise when I need space and I want to dance silly in a room to myself he happily goes to play on his computer or watches his shows while I’m in my space until I’m finished having my time and come join him. In a couple there has to be boundaries and limits and it is about knowing them and respecting that space.

4. Being Yourself. In a good relationship each person should be comfortable to be themselves without feeling judged or rejected. A person should be happy and be able to express themselves with the ones they trust and are comfortable with. I will admit I am a shy person with a low social bar and will always be up to leave a party early to get fast food, sit on the couch in my pyjamas to watch a trashy film and my partner knows this. He has seen me socially burn out and got my to KFC and we had a lovely night in. He gets me. I understand him and his quirkiness of checking the doors are locked ten times or the fact he won’t eat at a buffet because he doesn’t know if anyone has touched the food and put it back. My partner embraces me for me and I love him for who he his. We both have flaws and can be messy in the house but we accept that part of each other and are helping each other to both lose weight and work on being tidier. So yes in a relationship you should be yourself and let your partner be themselves. Accept each other for who they all, flaws in all.

5. Supportive Network. Having support and being supportive are two crucial things in a relationship. All relationships have struggle and face many different kinds of obstacles. These can help build people together or tear them down. It’s how you react and respond in the moment. My partner was going through a difficult moment in his life with his mental health and his work. It was so bad he left his job and questioned if it was a career he wanted to do anymore. Through this I was there for him, I supported every decision he made. I encouraged him to leave his job as it was a toxic environment for him and mental health. I convinced him not to give up on his career at that moment because one bad work place shouldn’t be the thing that determines his job. He found other job in that field and now he is thriving in his job and has an amazing team that are supportive and fun and generally lovely people. He is so thankful that he didn’t give up on being a vet nurse and he has been very grateful to me for being there for him and encouraging him. When I was going through anxiety and slight depression due to the covid lockdowns and not being able to see my family he was there for me to cry on his shoulder, he comforted me and the moment we could meet up with people again he put me straight into his car and drove me to my parents house. He has been my rock since day 1 and I’ve been there equally for him since then too. Being supportive to the person you love can be changeling at times because sometimes you don’t know what to do or say to help that person but being there with them can go a long way. Receiving support from the person you love helps make the relationship stronger as you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and take that risk so by being supported gives you that feeling of safety and confidence.

6. Have those Talks. Sounds strange but when in a relationship you need to know you’re both on the same page as each other. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Where do you want to live, an a city or close to family or in the middle of nowhere? Will you have pets? What kind of pets? Some of these questions might seem silly such as pets but that can sometimes be the deal breaker if one person in the relationship is obsessed with dogs while the other is petrified or allergic to dogs therefore never wants one. Some of the chats are gonna be serious such as children or marriage. In a relationship you both need to know these quite early on. If you’re in a relationship where one person wants kids and the other doesn’t and you both continue with the relationship, both hoping the other will change their mind later on, well I’m afraid that relationship is doomed. Having these talks helps knowing where their relationship is going and allows room to grow in a healthy mature way. My partner didn’t see himself have kids because he never met anyone he wanted to have kids with. We had the talk of what we wanted in the future very early in the relationship and I was upfront with the truth that I want to get married and have children. He admitted he didn’t see himself have children but he wasn’t against the idea and as we have grown together he can’t wait to have children with me. I constantly ask to make sure he means that and isn’t saying it to make me happy, which he reassures me that he wants to have children. So we have agreed to wait till we are married till we have children and if we are unfortune to not have children for whatever the reason then we have agreed to have quite a few dogs instead. The future is a mystery and anything can happen but by having a talk about where are relationship is going we have some sort of a plan.

7. In the Moment. Means exactly what it means. Yes it’s good and fun to update the social media now and then about your love life and can be great place to store memories but if you are constantly taking selfies cause the first few weren’t good enough or if your hands and eyes are glued to a device as you make a tweet or post then you’re missing out. Being in the moment with your partner is shutting out the outside world and really focusing on you and your partner. It’s about taking a breath of air and looking at the world around you both and feeling those emotions. It’s to be captured not by a lens but by a living memory and embracing the time you have together. Like I’ve said the future is unknown and anything can happen so take the moments you have with your partner and fully experience them.

8. The Little Things in Life. Big gestures of love, expensive gifts and trips are great but sometimes simpler things are better. A breezy walk along a beach or in the woods is a great way to spend quality time together. Asking your partner to make you a cup of tea or getting you a cosy blanket as they see you’re cold are little sweet gestures of caring. Dancing in the rain, knowing its going to be cold but spontaneous is what makes a relationship just that extra special. Yes gifts are lovely and being spoiled or spoiling your other half seems like its part of the job description in a relationship – it shouldn’t be – but just enjoying the little moments, the little things in the relationship and simple gestures that cost nothing can really set your relationship apart from others as you may find you appreciate more.

9. Family. Not everyone will get along but it is important to try. Family is a big part of most people’s lives. If the family doesn’t like your partner then it would be wrong not to listen to their concerns. Your family only want the best for you and so they will majority of the time want to make sure the person you are with will make you happy. Now there is some exception to this such as if they don’t like your partner as you are both part of the LGBTQ community or race or religion then it is up to you and your partner to prove your family or families wrong and this can be hard. If you sense your partner’s family doesn’t like you then be confident to discuss this with your partner but not to separate them from their family. Always rise above it if the in-laws are simple trying to get a reaction out of you.

10. Interests and Differences. Having similar interests are great as they give you things to talk about and experience together. Its what makes a relationship strong at the beginning sharing these interests and having things in common. When you and your partner are interested in different things, for example I love Disney and my partner is into Warhammer, these can be good as well. It gives you some independence from each other but also allows you to help your partner explore new things they might get into if they are willing to try it. I would say that with every relationship always be open to try things your partner are into. If you enjoy it then you’ve found something you can do as a couple. If you don’t like it then at least you tried something for your partner and can give your partner space and respect for their hobbies/interests. Having differences can be good. Being too similar can cause you to fall into the same routine and might kill the relationship from boredom. You and your partner need to respect and understand each person’s opinions and thoughts, even if you don’t agree. Always be mindful of your partner and an argument can be healthy but never take it too far and never let your partner over step the line. If the arguments get too heated learn to take a step away from it, put a pin in it as it were, to allow both of you to recollect your thoughts and feelings as to avoid saying something you may regret.

Here are some signs that might indicate you aren’t in a good relationship and may need to work on it or simple end it:

1. Finding it Hard to be Loyal. This seems abit obvious but it’s true. If you are finding yourself checking out other people, messaging others or worst still using an active dating app then you shouldn’t be in your relationship. Cheating is a clear sign you are unhappy with your relationship and the best thing to do if just end your relationship and live a single life till you find the person that doesn’t cause you to have a wondering eye. If you are suspicious of your partner cheating or hitting on other people you need to be confident and able to speak to them about. If they make you feel like you’re just being crazy and/or causing you to feel insecure then regards if they are or aren’t cheating, that’s not a healthy person to be with and you need to think about your own mental and emotional health so you need to leave that person and focus on you.

2. Constantly Changing. If the person you’re with is trying to constantly you who you are and what you wear then that’s not good. Your partner might try to change one or two habits such as make you more outgoing or try more things or be more healthier for your health but if they are deciding what you can and can’t wear or stopping you from your hobbies then they aren’t the one for you. Person should embrace their partner for who they are. Other constant changes might be you’re suddenly changing things about yourself for someone else other than your partner then this might be a sign to yourself that you need to talk to your partner about it or leave that relationship. If your partner is suddenly constantly changing ask them about it and if their response is vague or if they’re avoiding to answer then they’re hiding something and that something can’t be good.

3. Your Ex is still in the Picture. An ex is not all bad. Some relationships end on a good note that the two become better friends than they did as partners. That’s a challenge within itself to try to be comfortable with but if that ex is constantly there and things are a lot more intermate than a friend should be there be careful. You need to be honest with how it makes you feel or if it’s partner that has an issue with you being friends with an ex you need to listen to them and try to understand it from their point of view. No one though has the right to tell you who you can or can’t be friends with.

4. Trust Issues. Having trust issues is hard. You’ve been through heartbreak and betray or you’ve witness people in your life gone through hardships like divorce making it difficult for you to trust new people. Always talk about this with your partner, set boundaries and go at a pace in the relationship that suits you both. If you’re with someone who has trust issues then be understanding, don’t push them into situations they’re not comfortable with and just be patient. If you’re the person in the relationship with trust issue then be honest with your issues and never let anyone force you to do anything you are not comfortable doing, especially if they are using emotional means to it. If you or your partner can’t get past your trust issues sometimes its best to put the relationship on hold, be friends and focus on yourself to be better headspace for a love relationship, don’t abandon that person, even if it means the relationship is only a friendship.

5. Clear Red Flags. If the person you’re with is showing obvious red flags or if your friends are seeing them then reflect on the relationship. Friends will always have your back and so will family so if they’re seeing lots of red flags that you either didn’t notice or purposely ignored then leave that relationship. This isn’t a healthy situation to be in therefore you need to think about yourself and what’s best for you.

One of the biggest cliché of relationships is believing you can change someone’s bad behaviour and that you’re the one that saves them, the acceptance as it were. This could be true for some relationships but you have to understand the limits. Don’t burn yourself out by constantly going back to the same relationship only to be hurt/betrayed because that person didn’t appreciate you. I’m all for second chances but after the two attempts of a relationship and it doesn’t work out then you both need to more on.

Dating is hard and making a relationship work requires both parties putting in the effort equally. A happy healthy relationship is when both people feel love and respect for each other. They are both valued and their future ideas are aligned with each other. You need to be able to talk to your other half about anything without judgement and not feeling afraid and your partner should also have that same ability with you. Its about having that person you don’t care looking foolish with, having fun and enjoying each other’s company.

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About the Creator

Tosie

Welcome to my profile. I aim to write fictional stories, blogs that connect to myself and possible movie/tv reviews. I am Dyslexic so forgive my terrible spelling and grammar! Hope you enjoy some of my pieces.

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