Relationship Advice For Women - Tips on How to Get Your Spouse to Love You More

Relationship Advice For Women - Tips on How to Get Your Spouse to Love You More:-

Relationship Advice for Women can be extremely helpful. Especially in the current economy, it is important to know what to do when you are experiencing a rocky time. There are a lot of things that women can do in order to fix their relationships and have them become stronger. Some tips will help women avoid falling into bad habits, while other tips can make their relationships stronger.

The best relationship advice for women is to take care of yourself first. You can learn a lot by yourself. You might even find that this is your path to becoming a better person. You should also make sure that you are not living under the shadow of your husband or significant other. A person who lives under their shadow often loses sight of who they really are. Make sure you spend enough time with yourself and you will begin to see who you really are and what you really want.

Another piece of relationship advice for women is to be realistic about what your relationship is going to look like in the future. Some relationships last for a few years, but some last for decades. It is important to realize that there will come a time when one of you will have to let go. It is also important to remember that you do not want to let your partner down. Make sure that you are there for each other on days when you need to be and that you are there for each other when you do not feel like you can.

Crowdsourced relationship advice from over 1,500 those who have been living "happily ever after." Discover how they make it work.

When I got married almost 3 decades ago, in the wedding reception, I asked a number of the older and wiser folks who were attending for a few words of advice from their relationships to make sure my spouse and I did not shit that the (same) mattress. I think a good deal of newlyweds does so --ask for relationship advice, I suggest, not shit the same bed--especially after a couple of cocktails from the open bar they just paid for.

But I figured that with access to hundreds of thousands of smart, amazing people through my site, I really could go 1 step further. Why don't you consult with my readers? Why don't you ask them to get their very best relationship/marriage advice? Why not synthesize all of their wisdom and expertise into something simple and related to any connection, regardless of who you are?

This is what I asked: anybody that has been married for 10+ years, and remains happy in their relationship... what course do you pass down to others, if you could? Also, to people who are divorced, what did not work before?

The response has been overwhelming. Nearly 1,500 people got back to me, a lot of whom sent replies measured in pages, not paragraphs.

To begin with, they were all incredibly repetitive.

That is not an insult--really, it is the opposite, not to mention, a relief.

Which means that all those dozen or so things must be pretty damn important... and they work:

1. BE TOGETHER FOR Ideal REASONS

Before we get into what you should do in your connection, let's begin with what to not.

"Don't ever be with someone because someone else forced you to. I have married the first time since I was raised Catholic and that is what you're supposed to do. Wrong. I got married the next time because I was lonely and miserable and believed with a loving wife would fix everything for me. Additionally erroneous. Took me three tries to figure out what should have been obvious from the beginning, the only reason you should ever be with the person you're using is since you simply love being around them. It is actually that simple."

-- Greg

As soon as I sent out my request readers for advice, I asked folks who had been in their second or third (or fourth) unions precisely what they did wrong the first few times.

By far, the most common answer was "being with the individual for the wrong reasons."

A number of the wrong reasons included:

Pressure from friends and family

I was feeling like a "failure" because they had been settling and single for the first person that came together.

Being together for the image--because the relationship looked great on paper (or in photos), not since the two people admired each other.

Being young and naive and hopelessly in love and believing that love would solve everything.

Everything that makes a relationship "work" (and from work, I mean it is happy and sustainable for both people involved) needs a genuine, deep-level admiration for one another. Without that mutual respect, everything else will unravel.

2. HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND ROMANCE

''They go into relationships with those unrealistic expectations. Then, the minute they understand they aren't 'gaga' anymore, they believe the connection is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! There will be days, or weeks, or perhaps even longer, once you aren't all of mushy-gushy in-love. You're even going to wake up a while and think, "Ugh, you're here...." That's normal! And more to the point, sticking it out is worth it, because... in a day, or per week, or maybe even longer, you'll take a look at that person and a giant tide of love will inundate you personally, and you'll love them so much that you believe your heart can not possibly hold all and will burst. Because a love that is alive is also always evolving. It is not going to be how it used to be or how it'll be, and it should not be. I believe if more couples understood that, they'd be less likely to panic and hurry to break up or divorce."

-- Paula

In ancient times, people considered I adore sickness agents cautioned their children against it, and adults immediately arranged marriages before their kids were old enough to do something idiotic on the back of their out-of-control emotions.

That's because love--though able to make us feel giddy and high, as though we'd snorted a shoebox full of cocaine--may also make us exceptionally ridiculous. We all recognize that guy (or girl) who dropped out of school, sold their car and invested the money to elope about the shores of Tahiti. Most of us also know that same man (or girl) and the way they ended up skulking back a couple of years afterwards feeling like a moron, not to mention broke.

Unbridled love like this is nature's way of tricking us into doing insane and ridiculous things to remember to procreate. When we stopped long enough to consider the repercussions of having children --not to mention being with the identical person forever and ever--couple would do it.

Blind romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to forget one another's faults long enough to do a little bit of babymaking. It generally only lasts for a few years at most. Once it is gone, you need to know that you have buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being together. Otherwise, things are going to become rocky.

True love--that is, in-depth, the sort of abiding love that's impervious to psychological whims or elaborate --is a constant commitment to a person regardless of present circumstances. It's a continuous commitment to some particular person who you know isn't likely to make you happy--nor should they! --and a person who will need to rely on you, just as you will depend upon them.

This form of love is much more challenging, primarily because it often does not feel perfect. It's unglamorous. It's lots of early morning doctor's visits. It's cleaning up bodily fluids you'd instead not be cleaning up. It is dealing with another individual's insecurities and fears even when you don't wish to.

However, this form of love is also a lot more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the close of the day, it brings real joy, not just another collection of highs.

"Happily Ever After doesn't exist. Some days it is a struggle and some days you're feeling like the luckiest person on the planet."

-- Tara

3. THE MOST IMPORTANT Element IN A RELATIONSHIP IS NOT COMMUNICATION, BUT RESPECT

"What I can tell you is the #1 thing... is respect. It's not sexual attraction, seems, shared aims, faith or lack of, nor is it love. There are times when you won't feel love for your spouse. But you never wish to get rid of respect for your partner. Once you lose respect, you will never get it back."

-- Laurie

As I scanned through the hundreds of responses that I received, I started to notice an interesting trend: Individuals who had been through divorces always discussed communication being the most critical part of making things work. Speak frequently. Speak openly. Speak about everything, even though it hurts.

And there's some merit to that (which I will get to later).

My perception is that these people, through the sheer amount of expertise, have discovered that communication--regardless of how open, transparent, and disciplined--will break down at any stage. Conflicts are inevitable, and feelings will always be hurt.

And the only thing which may save you and your spouse, that may cushion you both into the hard landing of human fallibility is unerring respect for you personally. It is crucial that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another--often more than you each feel in yourselves--and hope your spouse is performing his/her best with what they have got.

Without that bedrock of admiration, you will start to doubt each other's goals. You will judge your partner's decisions, and infringe on their liberty. You may genuinely feel the need to conceal things from one another for fear of criticism. And this is when the cracks in the edifice start to appear.

"My husband and I've been together for 15 years. I've thought a great deal about what seems to be keeping us while marriages around us crumble (badly, it's everywhere... we appear to be at the age). The 1 word that I keep coming back to is "respect." Of course, this usually means showing respect, but that is too superficial. Just showing it isn't enough. You need to feel it deep within you. I deeply and truly admire [my husband] for his work ethic, his patience, his creativity, his intellect, and his heart values. From this respect stems everything else--trust, patience, perseverance (because sometimes life is really hard and you both just have to persevere). I would like to enable him to have spare time in our insanely busy lifestyles because I respect how he spends his time and that he spends time with. And, actually, what this reciprocal respect means is that we feel safe sharing our deepest, most intimate selves with each other."

-- Nicole

In addition to respecting your partner, you should also respect yourself (as your partner must also respect his/herself). Because without that self-respect, you will not feel worthy of this respect afforded by your partner--you will be unwilling to accept it, and you'll see ways to undermine it. You may always feel the need to compensate and prove yourself worthy of love, which could only backfire.

Respect for your spouse and care for your self are intertwined. As another reader put it:

"Respect yourself and your spouse. Never speak badly to or around her. If you do not respect your spouse, you don't respect yourself. You chose her--live up to this choice."

-- Olav

4.TALK OPENLY ABOUT EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY THE STUFF THAT HURTS

"We constantly talk about what's bothering us with every other, not [with] anyone else! We've got so many friends that are in marriages that aren't working well, and they tell me all about what's wrong. I can not help them, they need to be speaking to their partner about [it]. If you can figure out a method to be in a position to always speak with your partner about what is bugging you then you can work on the situation."

-- Ronnie

"There may be no keys. Keys split you. always,

-- Tracey

I get countless emails from readers every week, asking for life advice. A considerable proportion of those emails involve difficulties in amorous relationships. (For what it is worth, these mails, also, are surprisingly repetitive.)

A few years ago, I discovered that I was answering many of these relationship emails with the same response: "Require this email you just sent me, print it out, and reveal it to your partner. Then come back and ask again."

If something is bothering you, say something. This is important not merely for addressing issues as they appear, but it also demonstrates to your partner that you don't have anything to hide.

Share them with your spouse. Not only is it healing you and your partner have to have a great understanding of each other's insecurities and the way you each select to compensate for them.

Make promises and then stick to them. The only way to truly rebuild trust after it's been broken is via a proven history over time. You can't build that track record till you have up to preceding errors and set about correcting them.

5.A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP MEANS TWO HEALTHY INDIVIDUALS

"Understand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is NOT the occupation of your partner. I am not saying you shouldn't do nice things for one another, or that your partner can't make you happy sometimes. I am just saying do not put expectations on your partner to make you happy. It isn't their duty. Figure out as individuals, what makes you happy as an individual, then you each bring this to the connection."

-- Mandy

Everyone talks about"sacrifices" in a connection. You are supposed to maintain the relationship happy by always sacrificing yourself for your spouse and their wants and requirements.

Every relationship indeed requires each individual to opt to provide up something sometimes consciously. The problem comes when all of the relationship's happiness relies on the other person, and both people are in a constant state of forfeit. Just see that again. Doesn't it sound horrible? A connection based on continuous and mutual sacrifices can't be sustained and will eventually become detrimental to both people.

"Shitty, codependent relationships have inherent stability since you're both locked within an implicit deal to tolerate another person's bad behaviour because they're taking yours, and neither of you needs to be lonely.

-- Karen

A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy people. The keyword here: "people" This means two people with their own identities, their interests and viewpoints, and items they do by themselves, on their own time.

That is why attempting to restrain your spouse (or submitting control on your own to your spouse ) from making them"happy" ultimately backfires--it permits the individual identities of each individual to be destroyed, those very identities that attracted each other and brought them together in the first place.

"Don't try to change them. This is the person you chose. They were good enough to marry and thus don't expect them to change today."

-- Allison

"Don't ever give up who you are for the person you're with. It will only backfire and make you both miserable. These are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place."

-- Dave

6.GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE

"Make certain you have a life of your own, otherwise it's harder to have a life together. Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies. Overlap where you are able to, but not being indistinguishable should give you something to talk about... and will help to expand your horizons as a few."

-- James

One of the most frequent things people who got in touch stated was to do with the significance of creating distance and separation from a spouse.

People sang the praises of a different checking account, separate credit cards, with other hobbies and friends, taking independent vacations from one another every year (this has been a large one in my relationship).

Some people are frightened to give their spouse liberty and independence. This comes from a lack of trust and insecurity that if we provide our spouse too much space, they will discover they don't want to be with us anymore. Usually, the more uncomfortable we are with our very own value from the connection, the more we will try to restrain our partner's behaviour.

Even more importantly, this inability to let our spouses be who they are is a subtle form of disrespect. After all, if you can't expect your husband to have a simple golf trip with his buddies, or you are scared to let your spouse go out for drinks after work, what exactly does that say about your respect for their capacity to handle themselves appropriately? What does it say for your concern for yourself? In the end, if you think a few after-work beverages is enough to steer your spouse away from you, then you don't think too highly of yourself.

"If you like your spouse enough you will tell them who they are--you do not own them, who they hang with, what they do or how they feel. Drives me nuts when I see women not let their husbands go out with the men or are jealous of other girls."

-- Natalie

7. YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WILL GROW AND CHANGE IN UNEXPECTED WAYS--EMBRACE IT

"Over 20 years, we both have shifted tremendously. We have turned faiths, political parties, many hair colours and styles, but we love each other and possibly even more [than we did].

-- Dotti

One theme that came up repeatedly, particularly with those married 20+ years, was how much each individual would change as the decade's roll, and how prepared all you must be to adopt these changes. One reader commented that at her wedding, an older relative told her, "One day many years from now, you will awaken and your partner is going to be a different person--make sure you fall in love with this person, too."

It follows that if there is a bedrock of respect to every person's interests and values underpinning the relationship, and each individual is encouraged to cultivate their growth and advancement, that every person will, as time continues, evolve in different and unexpected ways. It's up to the couple to convey and be sure that they are always a) aware of these changes happening in their spouse ( and b) continually accepting and respecting those changes as they occur.

And I am not talking about the little stuff--I am talking some pretty profound life changes. Remember, if you're going to devote decades collectively, some heavy shit will hit (and split) the enthusiast. Among meaningful life changes people explained their unions went through (and survived) were: transforming religions; moving nations; the death of family members (including children); encouraging elderly family members; altering political beliefs; changing sexual orientation; and in a few instances, realigning sex diagnosis.

Surprisingly, these couples survived because their admiration for each other allowed them to adapt and allow each person to continue to flourish and develop.

"If you commit to someone, you don't actually know who you are committing to. You understand who they are today, but you don't have any idea who this person is going to be in five decades, ten decades. You've got to be ready for the sudden, and genuinely ask yourself whether you admire this person irrespective of the superficial (or not-so-superficial) details, since I guarantee almost all of [those particulars] at any stage are likely to either change or go away."

-- Michael

Becoming open to this amount of change is not simple, of course--in fact, it'll be downright soul-destroying sometimes. And that's the reason you need to make sure you and your spouse know how to battle.

8. GET GOOD AT FIGHTING

''Much like the body and muscles, it cannot get stronger without tension and challenge. You have to fight. You need to hash things out. Obstacles create marriage."

-- Ryan

Actually, in regards to"why is it that people stick together?" HeHeominates the area.

What Gottman does is that he gets married couples in a room, puts some cameras on them, and then he asks them to have a fight Notice doesn't ask them to talk about how right the other person is. He does not ask them what they like best about their relationship. He asks them to struggle --they're advised to select something they're having problems with and speak about it to the camera.

Gottman then diagnoses the couple's talk (or shouting match) and can predict--with startling accuracy--whether or not a couple will divorce.

However, what's most intriguing about Gottman's research is the things that result in divorce are not necessarily what you might envision. He found that successful couples, such as unsuccessful couples, fight consistently. And a number of them fight furiously.1

Gottman has managed to narrow down four features of a couple that tend to result in divorces (or breakups). He has gone and called these"the four horsemen" of this connection apocalypse in his books:2:/p>

Criticizing your spouse's character ("you are so dumb" vs"everything you did was stupid.")

Defensiveness (or, blame-shifting, "I wouldn't have done that in case you weren't late all of the time.")

Contempt (putting your partner down and making them feel inadequate.)

Stonewalling (withdrawing with an argument and ignoring your partner.)

The reader mails you all sent back this up as well. Out of the 1,500 I received, almost every single one referenced the value of dealing well with conflict.

The advice is given by subscribers included:

But all this requires granted another important point: the willingness to fight in the first location.

When people talk about the requirement for"good communication" all the time, this is what they should mean:

• Be inclined to have uncomfortable talks.
• Be ready to have conflicts.
• State the ugly things and do it all out in the open.

This is a constant theme from the divorced readers--dozens had more or less the Exact Same sad story to tell:

"But there's no way on God's green earth this is her fault alone. There were instances when I saw enormous red flags. Rather than trying to figure out what on earth has been wrong, I just plowed ahead. I would buy more flowers, or candy, or do more chores around the house. I had been a "good" husband in every sense of the word. However, what I was not doing was paying attention to the right things... And rather than saying anything, I ignored all the signals."

-- Jim

9. GET GOOD AT FORGIVENESS

"When you end up being right about something--closed up. You can be correct and be silent at the exact same moment. Your spouse will already know you are right and will feel loved knowing that you did not wield it like a bastard sword."

-- Brian

"In union, there is nothing as winning a debate ."

-- Bill

Perhaps the most exciting nugget out of Gottman's research is the fact that most successful couples do not resolve all their problems. His findings have been entirely backwards from what most people expect: individuals in lasting and happy relationships have issues that never completely go away, while couples who feel as though they need to agree and compromise on everything wind up feeling miserable and falling apart.

If you have two distinct people sharing a life, they are inevitably going to have different values and perspectives on some things and clash over them. The important thing here is not to change the other person--because they desire to modify your partner is inherently disrespectful (to both yourself and them )--but rather it's just to love them, and if things get a little rough around the edges forgive them for it.

"Everyone says that compromise is key, but that's not how my husband and I see it. It is more about seeking understanding. Compromise is bullshit, because it leaves both sides frustrated, losing little pieces of these in a bid to get along. All these are the wrong objectives, because they're outcome-based rather than process-based. When your purpose is to find out where your spouse is coming from--to really understand on a profound level--you can not help but be altered through the procedure. Conflict becomes easier to navigate because you see... the context."

-- Michelle

10. THE LITTLE THINGS ADD UP TO BIG THINGS

''Finally, your children grow up, your obnoxious brother-in-law will join a monastery, and your parents will die. When that happens, guess who is left? You have it... Mr./Mrs. Right! You do not need to wake up 20 years after and be staring at a stranger since life broke the bonds that you formed before the shitstorm started."

-- Brian

Of the many responses I got, I would say roughly half of them mentioned one simple but effective bit of advice: Do not ever stop doing the little things. They include up.

Even cleaning up once you accidentally pee on the toilet seat (thoughtfully, someone stated that)--those things all matter and added up over the long run.

The same way Fred, married for 40+ years, also says that arguing over small things consistently wears you down ("like Chinese water torture)", therefore do the little favours, and even displays of affection add up. Don't overlook them.

This becomes particularly important once children enter the picture. The big message I heard countless times about kids was, put the marriage first.

"Children are worshipped in our culture. Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. However, the best way to boost healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. Good children don't create a fantastic marriage. A fantastic marriage makes good kids. Thus, keep your marriage the top priority."

-- Susan