Rediscovering Yourself While Recovering From Depression

There is a lot to say about how much one can learn in only a couple of years. It is almost unfathomable how much can happen in such a short amount of time.

After trying to repurpose an old notebook, I came across one of the morning pages I wrote in early 2020. Rediscovering some of my old writing made me reflect on the past couple of years; it made me think about how to make this year better.

With the beginning of a new year and a new semester, I’ve been getting ready to deal with some of the issues I’ve dealt with in the past, such as my depression. However, this made me think about the never ending patterns that seem to tether and hurt my soul.

I wrote the following:

I’ve been dealing with depressive symptoms for as long as I can remember. I guess that’s what happens when your dad leaves your family when you’re only two years old.

Recently, I had the biggest depressive episode I’ve experienced. It started in September of 2019. Right around the start of fall is when I always feel the heaviness of my depression weighing on my chest. I could feel myself not wanting to do or feeling too tired to do otherwise enjoyable activities. It was misery. Because of my familiarity with these horrible symptoms, I decided it was time to start therapy. That didn’t help. As the season got colder, it felt like I was running out of life.

After reaching my lowest point in the depressive episode, attempted suicide, self-harm, and self-destructive behavior, my siblings stepped in. My sister dragged me out of the tiny dark room at my dad’s house. She decided that I couldn’t be trusted to be alone. She was right.

Even though I’ve been taking medication since January of 2020, I still have really bad moments and days in which all I want to do is let myself go back. In those moments, I feel an urge to cry in the comfort of my bed and a need to hurt myself that overcome any sort of sanity I’ve worked for. Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

I think one of the things I hate the most about depression is that your neurotypical loved ones don’t understand what you’re going through. They’re sympathetic and they try their best to be there for you. However, the battle inside yourself is one we must fight alone.

Even as I write this, I can feel that little evil voice inside me just telling me the horrible things that made me hurt for so long.

Every year, without a fail, my depressive symptoms start manifesting themselves around the beginning of fall. The diminishing day-light that leaves the days shorter and colder triggers something within me that sends me into a dark place.

A lot has changed since I wrote this. But it was eye-opening to read some of my old writing. My cynical tone made it obvious that I wasn't ready for healing.

Despite my struggle with depression, 2021 started really well for me. I got offered my dream job, I switched to a major I’m passionate about, I started doing better in school, I got a passion planner.

I still have really bad moments and days in which all I want to do is let myself go back.

Despite my struggle with depression, this year I decided to commit to healing the wounds that seem to reopen every once in a while, leaving me hurt all over again.

The battle inside yourself is one we must fight alone.

This is something I no longer believe. In 2021, I commit myself to find the help I need and deserve. No one deserves to suffer alone and if you can relate to what I've been writing, I invite you to commit to the following:

• In 2021 I commit myself to using my planner and being organized. I deserve a life that is not reigned by chaos

• In 2021, I commit myself to looking for the help I deserve and need. That include booking doctor's appointments when I feel unwell and talking to my psychiatrist when I think something is wrong.

• In 2021, I commit myself to doing my assignments in time. I deserve to get the most out of my classes. I shouldn't ruin something that I find enjoyable with self-destructive behaviour

These are my 2021 reflections and resolutions. I hope that together we can achieve them!