Putting yourself out there.

Today! I got blocked by an old flame. Let me give you a quick back story about me and the situation leading to this post; I grew up in Florida, a chubby kid, and very much a tom-boy; a few (meaning one) boyfriend in high school didn't change going into adulthood. I decided to move away, at 25 to California. Started work at this famous hotel, where I met my old flame. He is of a different race than me; sophisticated and charming, oh, and the way he wore his uniform (Moist), but there was another, and we worked with him as well, he wasn't my type. However, he was persistent. So persuasive with recreational party favors that it seemed as if I had chosen him instead of my old flame. That's a longer story than this one, and this story is more to me, a tale of choosing between Mr. Right and Mr.Wrong at first but turned into Mr. Wrong and Mr. Wrong, plot twist. So after a year and a half, I moved back home.

I tried to keep in touch with him, but that didn't work out. Fast-forward to now; I reached back out to him (i know thirsty, right. Not!). I honestly had a dream about him, and throughout the years, I've become more spiritual and trying to go deeper into the meaning of life, myself, and things I want to manifest in my life. I write in a dream journal, and I'm starting to believe in vibes. He doesn't, because the conversation was the same as the last time we talked. he was just as condescending and self-righteous, egotistic as the last time. However, this time instead of feeling as if I did something wrong and just being sad AF! side note, rejection its self was hard for me. I would rather be alone until the end of time than let someone know my feelings, let alone know that they don't feel the same about me. I would completely die ( and by die, I mean emotionally eat).

Yeah! so many issues, I know, but that's the beauty of being human; we are so perfectly unperfect, with complexities and problems that make us all so different to love. I told my old flame everything that was on my mind; I might have gone a bit overboard with it, though it felt good after.

I showed my vulnerable side and how I truly felt, and as a result, blocked; furthermore, I'm so at peace with it. Very proud of myself, taking a leap and putting my all out there, and being SUPER with the outcome is a bit on the psychotic side, yet I feel like a Walter White in season one telling his car wash boss to F* off. I thought I was just never good at dating and was unnecessarily hard on myself when it doesn't go the way I envision, or as my therapist calls it, fantasized. Yet if I had not stated my peace to him, a sense of wondering would have lingered, and yes, it could have turned out differently. Except, the way it did, left me feeling more dominant than I have ever felt before. I don't care if people make fun of me for getting blocked; I embrace my loser side, with the knowledge that you win, you lose some. And will always put me out there.