Humans logo

Property Lines

Building Gates Instead of Walls

By Ashley KoeppPublished 3 years ago 7 min read
Like
Property Lines
Photo by Clay LeConey on Unsplash

When we hear the word "boundaries", it generally has a fairly negative connotation for most people. We tend to relate it to situations or emotions that involve fear, or a need to protect something, or the thought that one has been crossed, resulting in something negative. Of course, these things do occur all the time. But there is a flip side to establishing boundaries that is not only a positive thing when done the right way, it is NECESSARY for sustaining healthy relationships in one's life!

With the holiday season approaching, the shivers of anxiety have already started raising the hairs on my arms, just thinking about all of the emotional hoops I am about to be jumping through for the next few months. This time of year brings a concentrated amount of interaction with friends, family, and professional peers that can drain the energy of even the most peppy candy cane pusher. Most of us can relate to the feeling of some boundaries being crossed, put up, or taken down. Right? The painfully awkward dinner at the estranged relatives house who you only see that once a year, but you get guilted into going every time, like clockwork. Buying gifts with the money you don't have for that shifty cousin who doesn't come around much since high school. Racking up 250 miles on your leased vehicle to get yourself to a 3rd, 4th, or even 5th Christmas/Holiday get together within two days, because you and/or your spouse come from split families and are trying to get to everyone, which is more and more common these days. Don't you ever just want to scream ENOUGH?!

I know I do! Year after year, we exude so much time and energy into these situations. At the end of it all, chances are you got through it, but not without just about pulling all your hair out and feeling like a complete and utter exhausted ball of stress. The bank account is probably suffering a tad bit as well, for some of us at least.

I find myself asking the same question every year when it is all said and done....why? Why keep this up? All it does is deplete me in every way, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. What value do these things bring to me? What value do I bring to this situation? Is this really important and fulfilling in my life? Who do I REALLY care about being with during this time? Who REALLY cares about being with me?

When I answer myself, it all comes down to this- I am a people pleaser, and have not learned how to ask for what I need from others, or how to say no, nor how to recognize when or how my own boundaries (or lack thereof) have been crossed. Realizing that my time, energy, money, etc is also a priority and in fact should be my MAIN priority, is something that I was never taught. Only that what is on everyone else's agenda should be my priority, because a "good woman" takes care of everyone else before herself, right?

I have recently made it a personal goal to learn more about boundaries. The importance of having them, what healthy boundaries look like, what unhealthy boundaries look like, the effects of not having healthy boundaries; which could mean you either have NO boundaries at all, or you are just a brick wall of boundaries. Both extremes result in unhealthy relationships and poor coping skills throughout life.

What I have learned so far is that boundaries, healthy boundaries, are actually one of the most positive, and important things a person can master in their lives. I am currently reading a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townshend called, what else but....'Boundaries'. In the book, they describe boundaries as being a fence around your property. Visualizing boundaries this way has helped me tremendously to understand this concept better.

Going back to the property lines which are our boundaries, which side of the fence are each of these aspects of your world really on for you? If you think about yourself as a house, and you sit on a piece of property, what defines your property from someone else's? We build fences and gates to define these things in our 3d reality. So what does your fence that defines who you are as a person look like right this moment?

Personally, I have learned to build very high fences in some areas, and have no fences at all in others. For those of us who lean toward creating a fortress of protection, which can look like pushing everyone away when they get too close, not asking for help, lack of vulnerability with others, thinking of installing a gate in your fence-wall can help. There has been no "gate" to let others in until very recently in my life. But, I am happy to say that construction on a gate has now started! The problem with not having a way to let anyone or anything in, is that not only have I protected myself from bad coming in, I have not given any good the chance to come in either. Another issue here is that while I have not let good in, I have also not let some of the "bad" out!

On the flip side, there are many people who have no fence. People around them come and go as they please. Take what they want from the house. Leave trash on the lawn. You get the picture. So, when propositioned to be at the 4th family holiday get together by a certain time, even though you know you can't possibly fit it in to your already insane visiting and holiday prep schedule, the person who has no boundaries is very likely to figure out a way to just make it work. In order to avoid saying no and having to deal with the other party's dissapointment in them, this boundary novice will re-arrange their entire set of known personal priorities. Knowing you are going to have to leave a little early from where they were supposed to be, then stop at the store and grab a card on the way to so-and-so's party, spend as much time there as needed to satisfy the amount of time deemed appropriate by everyone else, then after that hopefully traffic won't be too bad and you can get to the store to pick up another so-and so's gift that you can hopefully find time to wrap once you get home, now exhuasted from squeezing in someone else's priorities and making them your own. The person who lacks boundaries often does not know where their own property begins and ends. They feel the tension of their own boundaries being pushed, but struggle to identify where this tension (stress) comes from. They do not know themselves, forcing them to rely on everyone around them to tell them who they are.

Who wants that?! When we let everyone else around us run the show in our lives, we, the main character, don't ever get a chance to be in our own spotlight! Your role in your own story diminishes. To me, this is just as bad as the isolation that a 20ft high brick wall around your property can bring.

So, understanding what healthy boundaries are for yourself in your life, and how to go about setting them, is absolutely crucial to maintaining a happy, healthy YOU long term. This is something that I am actively working on now, and I will warn you it is not easy! But, the balance and harmony this can bring into your life is absolutely worth the growing pains. If you are struggling with this and want to learn more about boundaries, I would highly recommend the book mentioned above. GAME CHANGER!

advice
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.