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Please remember.

Do you remember?

By On the edge of consciousnessPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
1

Please feel something again.

Look around you, there are so many things to be grateful for. Can't you see?

You have people who love you. People who look up to you. People who are relying on you. People who want you around.

You have a place to call home. You have food on the table and a healthy body.

Can't you see?

You've made a lot of progress. You are not even half the person you used to be in a good way and you've reintegrated parts of yourself that you had lost along the way.

I know your expectations are high and you seem to put your focus on who you aren't, who you can't be, the things you haven't let go of or the things you have yet to accomplish but there are so many other things you're ignoring by only focusing on these aspects.

Can I tell you? Will you let me remind you?

You may not be where you wish to be yet but there was a time you cried out to be even a percentage of who you are now.

There was a dark few years where you became fearful. Fear took over your whole being, you couldn't leave your house, you couldn't answer your phone, you lost all accountability with yourself and others.

You weren't able to trust yourself because your self would hurt you and try to end you and push away anyone that got too close. You slowly started to push yourself away. The self you really are, until there was only a fragment of that lost soul left.

Do you remember being outside, late at night because that was the only time you weren't as afraid? Do you remember sitting on that bench, crying, watching the few people still active at those times leave their house? Do you remember your thought process? You thought about how lucky they are and how they don't even know how lucky they are because they can just leave their house without thinking about it. Because they could just get ready and leave without all those filters in their head, without all those voices reminding them of the dangers.

Do you remember holding your breath every time you walked into the estate so that you could focus on walking right? Repeating the words, 'left, right, left, right' over and over in your head and making sure you walked 'correctly' (what ever that means) and do you remember memorising all the turns we'd have to take so that we did them naturally and 'in the best way possible'? Always on guard so that you could be prepared just in case anything happened?

What about having to breathe manually because you forgot how to do it naturally? What about that time you were on the bus and you having to get off because you forgot how to breathe? You put so much focus on whether or not anyone could hear you breathe that you'd just stop without realising and by the time you did you'd forget how to do so.

Do you remember slowly letting go of your self? Your personality? Do you remember how far away you seemed? You were a distant memory on the edge of your consciousness. -A witness to the chaos, a witness to the destruction, a witness to it all.

Do you remember wonderland? And how present it was? Do you remember how long every second felt? How time seemed to lose its authenticity in this mind state. How lost you felt. How there was no way out. The never ending cycle of breakdowns, pain, suicide attempts, no break in between just constant drowning.

What about the 'medication' they gave you? The 9 pills you had to take daily that made no difference to how you felt. The body aches, the stomach sensitivity, the drowsiness all leading you to a point where you stopped feeling which depression does also except this felt like an intruder in your system as opposed to just a dark presence that you feel during your breakdowns. It was the same but different.

Do you remember asking the doctor for the truth? Whether he had any genuine hope that you'd get better? Whether he actually believed you would get better? Because you truly didn't believe that it was possible for you anymore. You gave up hope, or better yet, hope had disappointed you time and time again.

What I'm trying to say is that yes, you might not be where you want to be right now. You might still feel bad sometimes but it's sometimes. It's not constant breakdowns anymore, you can leave your house with only half the filters running through your head. You no longer even think when walking through the estate, have you realised that? You feel joy sometimes, not often, but every once in a while and that's more than you used to.

I am everything you cried out to be a year ago.

Please remember this.

Please be grateful.

Please be happy.

Please be proud of me.

Please don't hurt me anymore.

Please set me free.

I want to be happy. I want to be free.

So please, hurry.

Please, wake up.

I need you.

humanity
1

About the Creator

On the edge of consciousness

Welcome to my world.

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