Pitch Black

– It’s possible, isn’t it? Is it possible to meet someone who is perfect for you while you are committed to someone else…?

– No. If you are committed to somebody you don’t allow yourself to find perfection in somebody else.

– You’re just telling me what I want to hear.

– Well if that’s what you want to hear, I think you already made up your mind.

– So what do we do now? We just go our own way like nothing happened? Like this meant nothing? We just wipe it off, pull up our pants and just go? Are you happy there?

– I didn’t even know I was unhappy. I don’t even know what I want right now. I know that you are amazing. We are amazing together. And I want to bottle this feeling up and just keep it there, take it with me. Never spoil it.

– But how do we return? Where are we returning to?

– To being responsible adults. To compromise. To do the right things for the people that love us without knowing this dark side. To lusting for your skin. To craving your lips and your mouth. We’re going back to the grave of how our lives were before all of this happened.

-I don’t think I can ever see you and be normal. I don’t see that happening. None of this is right. Tell me that I am not the only one.

– Believe me, I would travel the world to see you and feel you again. But this is how it is. You have killed me and given me life. You have given me in this short time more than anything I could ever have received. More than I ever got from anyone. I fed myself with your energy, woman. You have given me life. You have killed me for her, for anyone else. You made me feel alive for myself and I don’t know where to go from here or what to do. I am a corpse. I feed on you. You consume me and I do the same…

-Just go, please. Say goodbye and go. Let me kiss you one more time and then go.

-How do I let you go when I feel like I just found you? You see we’re going back and forward with this…

-You just do it, we just go. Like a band aid. Just rip me off from wherever you placed me.

We stood for what felt like hours holding hands, a thing I never do. He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead, my eyes, my chin, my nose, my lips.

-Go get them, miss! I’m already proud of you.

Never saw him since. I hear he’s single still. He broke up with her, she was hurt, he was alive.

I went on to do my thing, travel my world, broke up with my so called boyfriend for whom I felt nothing.

I tried to find him in all the people that I met but I only found parts. Nothing seemed the same.

I was searching for his mind, touch, the way he tilted his head back when he laughed and looked at me like I was his most precious thing on Earth.

“My woman,” he called me… his woman… little did I know he had a woman for every night he spent away from my arms.

“My woman,”… tfff.. it makes me sick to think about that now.

I never felt something like that in my life, it was like a knife running through my mind, my soul, my forehead down to my ankles…

“I wish I had known you sooner..or later. Or whenever this fucking thing could have been convenient for us. I am nor too inexperienced nor with too much experience to know how to hold you forever. I will fuck this up and I will fuck you up.”

I don’t even know how this thing started, I never even know why it ended or if it really did. I have this raw feeling inside that’s telling me that this is not over, that we’re not over.

I saw him swallowing his crave to keep me. I SAW HIM BATTLE.

No, I didn’t care about that poor souls I crushed on my way; no, I didn’t feel anything leaving the man that loved me the moment I saw a text from him; no, I felt no shame in drunk texting him; no, I didn’t give a crap about how much he annoyed me when he was tired; no, I didn’t care about how much he drank, about how many walls he put up when he was sober and how many he crushed when he was drunk; I didn’t care that he had no idea how to behave around me; no, I didn’t feel this about anyone else.

I behaved, for the first time in my life like I really was: I was a lady and a tramp, a ghetto princess, and queen for him.

God, I only wish I could forget the way he looked at me and smiled when we were on the couch eating the cheesiest pizza ever. And the way he played with my hair. And the way he hugged me when we slept. And the non-conventional way he showed me he loved me without ever saying it..and the way he turned me around every time.

My fucking man.. my little ray of pitch dark.