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Phoenix Rising

A perspective of ones life

By Sophie larissaPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 3 min read
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Labels, acronyms and diagnoses. Letters, appointments and chaos. Suicide, loss and destruction.

We are all divided when it comes to our thoughts and perspectives when talking about mental health. In this day and age we unfortunely still have some who believed its way over used and is an excuse. Then we have people who believe we are all in crisis at some point with our mental health. Which I fully support, we all do have moments of lows and highs when it comes to our mental health. It just seems like some manage better than others and the window of tolerance is greatly varied between each person.

What also seems like a strong pattern is that there are some of us that are seen as not so bad or fine, because simply we are skilled in hiding it. We become so good at it early on that in the beginning we do not know we are hiding it. That is until we start to learn about our mental health and any diagnosis we are given. Until we reach this point our pieces start to slowly assemble and patterns show. It sounds really silly but I had no idea I was being mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually abused early on. It took me about 7 years to realise what it was, that entire time I thought it was happening to everyone, and that it was just something we did not talk about. I was sat in a health class at school when I learned the truth and reality stuck me so hard. I remember sitting there while every thing going on droned out, and I felt like I was being sucked through the floor.

It was not until I was mid teens when I received my first treatment for my mental health. But it was never what me or the therapist expected, instead of one diagnosis I came out with two. I also came out with a whole new world of pressures and anxieties. I learned things about myself that I felt I now needed to get to know. Being that young and having no expectation of my life going anywhere, I just pretended nothing was wrong and kept it all to myself. I pretended I felt so normal some times, I almost convinced myself my eating disorder and borderline personality disorder did not exist. I spent my whole school years pretending and lying about who I was and what my life was like. I couldn't let them see what was happening to me or the chaos it was causing. Just ever so slowly through the years, I felt more and more of me was burning away.

I spent all my time when I was home tucked away and out the way, Its the way it had to be and even that didn't please them. I was still randomly punished for reasons I now know were not right, but back then I felt nothing I did was right. I apologised for most of my youth for things I said or what I did, even for my own personality. I started to steal, drink and burn anything that would be self harming, I just wanted to be in full destruction. I believed that was all every one else wanted but not even that pleased them, they preferred to be the ones that provided the punishments. I just wanted to please and I thought if I suffered enough they would leave me alone or I would disappear.

Many mistakes later I learned to be a little bit wiser. I found an amazing other half and have beautiful children. There my reason I keep going even on days of destruction. I am proud to say to myself at least I am loyal to them and will not leave until they ask me to. They can hurt me in any way shape or form and it would not matter, I'll take the hurt and be there until asked to go. Everything maybe my fault but I would still accept it and still stand and keep moving. For them at least I will and will do until my very last day without complaint and still be happy.


humanity
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About the Creator

Sophie larissa

I have beautiful children and an amazing other half. They are more than enough for me. They are my reasons for doing what I love.

Instagram account- sophie_larissas_writing

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