If you are an incarnated female in this time, you have experienced suppression in some form, whether you are conscious of it or not. The suppression and misuse of feminine energy and her sexual creative force were evident to me not only as a young girl but throughout my adult life.
I am a baby boomer’s baby. The only girl and the youngest of the family, I have always been spirited, head-strong and pushed the boundaries of convention and questioned old beliefs. When you blend the generational parenting style of my mother with the inherent familial ethnic patterns, and nestle it all in small-town Appalachia, the patriarchy is alive and well.
Often in my youth, I would ask my mother questions about why she continued to selflessly serve my brothers and my Dad. The imbalance seemed formidable, highly imbalanced, and the perceived servitude was exhausting to watch. As I grew up unknowingly absorbing the example set for me, there were so many unconscious patterns rooted in my psyche by the time that I hit adolescence. I matured into adulthood and I absolutely became my mother in all relationship types but didn’t begin to recognize them until I turned 40.
As I hit mid-life, and weary from a depleted heart and soul, I became self-aware that in several professional relationships that I projected myself as a submissive female. The employer evidently held the masculine energy regardless of gender, and I found myself entering these relationships as a weak, mousy and seemingly, powerless woman. I would eventually hit a point of resentment and rebellion because after a short period of time I would feel disrespected and taken advantage of. The very patterns and dynamics that I had participated in creating, would set my internal match on fire. These male figures represented to me an authoritarian rule, slavery, servitude, control, suppression, oppression, and eventually abuse.
This pattern became evident in my intimate relationships with men as well. I would enter as over-giving and thirsty for acceptance anticipating a return on investment. I would assume the archaic role of housekeeper and sex slave. Emotional vacancy, ownership, and a lack of respect, appreciation, and value, permeated each and every relationship. When the imbalance with any partner would begin to bankrupt me on all levels, I would disengage and leave. I was needy and my language to feel loved was talking and attention and I was apparently starving for approval from a masculine figure.
My Grandfather on my Father’s side, I perceived as a judgmental male figure who would use money to control others. If I would visit him, out of love, but show up in denim, he would remark that I wasn’t getting any money because I wore them. Resentment with this control style was a very challenging mental pattern to release for me. He had verbalized to me vehemently, and rejected me while making it clear, that I was not deserving of respect.
Familial male value and superiority was an element supported by praise and financial reward. If you, the female produced like a man, then verbal praise and monetary promises were gifted. Authenticity and unique character traits were frowned upon, oppressed, and suppressed.
I feel that the shift in male and female rolls in regards to the home, where the wife was expected to also participate the in the financial production of the home, started in my grandparent’s generation. Although this production based affection was present in my family and most certainly in my marriage, I observed a strange undertone of confusion in the female’s expected role. In important intimate relationship it was verbalized, that my income tax return didn’t reflect much value, therefore, the value of the mother, homemaker and partner that I had been, was not worth anything more than the monetary contribution that the leftover time and energy afforded me. This seemed a repeated story in other adult relationships where I was expected to be a primary producer with little social networks and emotional connections. Three higher education degrees later, I have realized that they were an attempt to prove myself worthy of love and respect from the men of this world. I was performing for an audience that maybe they would see me or hear me or value me for the levels of rewards that I had achieved. Or particularly to value me for being me.
The man’s honor and devotion surrounded his family unit, not an actual love and desire of the soul of the female wrapped in a physical vessel for his sexual pleasure. Emotional and passionate intimacy with the perceived life partner was awarded only to the fiery, passionate producer that gained material wealth, sex or if recreation of similar interest. Emotional connections were preferred to be shared with male pods of friends rather than the princess left alone under the dragons keep.
I personally have repeatedly experienced what feels like being locked away in a tower while the man goes out to experience life. The abandonment and neglect was a painful oozing wound which was then reflected in the death of the female spirit and ultimately the relationship.
Sex in these dynamics was not founded in love or sacred connection but rather as a tool of convenience and sexual energetic exchange on behalf of the male. In sexual endeavor’s, satisfying the female was never at the forefront and the sex was always male-serving in nature.
It seems to me that the female expression of sexuality and love of her own beauty of physique and sensuality, is deemed as a misguided use of her sexual energy rather than the deep, sensual, she-creature being revered and honored for her beauty.
Female sexuality is something that makes its appearance in shame unless she is possessed by a man. Self- expressive patterns were not permitted if they were intense and fiery, even if with her perceived love partner. It must be contained and controlled and owned by a man in order for it to be accepted. Without the emotional intimate connection, the sexual expression became dampened and duty-filled and obligatory.
To break free from the confines of mental patterns of a female slave, powerless, and a remaining small, is a journey that has proven difficult and it will make a girl crazy. This very process has forced me into a profound journey self-discovery. It has made me grow strong, self-sufficient, and no longer co-dependent. I gained peace with far less of a desire required to prove the worth of life and soul. It has given me courage to see myself, hear myself, feel myself, save myself, and show up for myself.
The rise of the sacred feminine began long ago and still continues. It is now time for the heart of the woman to stand firm in her power, her knowledge, and truth so that we can regain balance in humanity.