Pathologically Neurotic Love

A normal person approaches someone of interest and says, “My name is Mark Johnson. Would you like to get some coffee?”

A neurotic person (I’m not saying it’s me) says, “My name is Johnny Jones and I’m sure you’re very busy, you look very busy, in fact, you look like someone who is profoundly busy but I wonder, and I completely understand if you’re too busy, but if you’re not, maybe we can get some coffee together. Of course, it would be together, that’s stupid, when I say together it’s purely as friends unless you want it to be more, I wouldn’t want to be presumptuous or assume that because I’m asking you to have coffee that it would be anything other than just coffee. It would be my treat of course, not a date, I just figured coffee is so cheap, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t buy you an expensive coffee, you’re definitely worth it, Oh gosh, that came out wrong. It’s entirely up to you,”

She stares at him with a look of confusion and horror. “Just think about it,” Johnny says. “I also notice you’re trying to speak but no words are coming out. I hope I didn’t give you a stroke. Oh gosh, if I did, we don’t have to get coffee today, or ever….let me just say it a little slower, Do….you….think…coffee…is…a…good….idea. That’s fine, no need to answer.”

Both Mark and Johnny end up having coffee and a follow-up dinner with their love interests and are ready for their first kiss.

Mark walks his date to her car, puts his arm around her shoulder, and says, “I hope you had a nice time.” She smiles and nods. He leans in, kissing her on her lips and they are well on their way to wonderland.

Johnny walks his date to the car, blabbering the entire time, “This was great. I mean the coffee, you were great too,” he awkwardly laughs stumbling over his own legs. “I hope we can see each other again,” he struggles to keep up with her. She pauses, providing Johnny with the perfect opportunity for a kiss. Johnny leans in, “You know, I used to hate coffee but now I really love it, well, love is a strong word….” In mid babble, she kisses Johnny on the lips, telling him she had a nice time and drives away.

After a romantic dinner, Mark asks his date, “Would you like to come back to my place?”

Johnny’s approach is, “The food is really good tonight. I’ve always loved this place, of course, it’s not always good, sometimes it’s just okay,” His date smiles and giggles as he continues, “Well, the dinner’s almost over. You look like you want dessert. Oh God, I didn’t mean that you eat too much, Oh Lord, I didn’t mean it that way either…what I meant was, I was wondering, and I’m not implying anything, and will completely understand if you say no, but I was just thinking, and again, please don’t feel pressured…”

His date interrupts, “Johnny, I like you, and would love to go back to your place.”

“Oh, that would be great, you still want dessert? Oh man, that’s stupid. Of course, you don’t, you would have said so….so I guess I should get the check….”

“Yes. Get the check and we’ll go,” she smirks.

Johnny is on fire with excitement. He really likes this girl. As they drive toward his house he says, “I’m really excited you’re coming back to my place. You’re more than welcome to spend the night, but of course, you don’t have to, I’m just saying, and you probably don’t have your toothbrush, but I did just buy a 5-pack of Colgate’s extra firm bristles, they were on sale, so I can give you one, but if you don’t want to, that’s perfectly okay…..”

Mark’s date stayed the night.

And guess what, so did Johnny’s. She really liked him, and his toothbrush too.