Part 2: My First Marriage Felt Forced

How’s Married Life? Escalating Arguments.

The Art of Arguing and taking turns in conversation is something both my husband and I had to learn. Each person in the relationship needs to feel heard.

You can solve many problems simply by allowing the other person to say what’s on their mind and repeat back the words they are saying. This gives them a feeling of being heard.

Communication that escalates into arguments is often because each person is too busy trying to get their own point across. They didn’t actually listen and validate the thoughts, feelings, and desires of the other person.

Make sure to listen to your partner and set an agreement between the two of you to follow a format to actively listen, repeat, and take turns. Then come to a compromise on what you both agree on.

“How’s Married Life?” I’m asked.

My reply was, “It has its ups and downs. Always be nice to each other. Treat each other with kind words.”

It isn’t easy. Sometimes one partner gets grumpy, and it makes everyone grumpy. When I realize I’m grumpy, I go into the other room, read, and pray. Just let things calm down. Later, we talk about whatever is bothering us.

If you want wonderful guidance on developing communication skills with your spouse and others, this book is great: (affiliate link) I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

We’re Married With Nothing in Common.

Shared interests are important. I don’t think my husband and I have shared interests. I knew we had religion in common. And that has been the glue that has helped us get through the toughest of times.

Other than that, it seems like we are pretty different. It has been challenging. I love the outdoors, love learning new things, and love problem-solving.

My husband tolerates my joys. He does a lot of things for my benefit that he doesn’t have the same passion for.

I suggest it is best to meet and create relationships with those who share your same interests. You are more likely to get along and have that commonality and joy together.

Have similar values, goals, beliefs, and interests and you are more likely to have a fulfilling relationship. Otherwise, do what I do and take turns enjoying one another’s hobbies.

Are You Jealous?

Letting Go - Don’t be jealous and controlling - Allow Space and Freedom for your partner to be themselves and explore their own interests and goals.

Jealousy and being too controlling is a signal that you are not secure with yourself. Stay clear of jealous souls.

If you are this type, it is best to explore with a therapist to heal and know the underlying causes of why you are jealous and controlling. Your partner will not be happy if you are this type of person.

People thrive with support, encouragement, and the freedom to pursue their personal dreams and goals. This is important, and a caring partner will make sure you are allowed your personal space and freedom to thrive and explore yourself. Learning about yourself is a lifelong pursuit.

You’re a Team - Act Like It!

Honor one another’s physical space and physical needs. Physical needs change over time. Realize to be supportive and kind when your partner is physically struggling. Everyone has these struggles.

When we are physically at our best, life feels really good. Support one another as you each strive for physical health and well-being. Realize that when one partner is at their best, it is often opposite for the other. Support one another through all struggles.

A happy more fulfilling relationship happens when both partners feel emotionally balanced and cared for. This happens when we take the time to be compassionate listeners for one another.

Often it is best to just listen with compassion. Most often, if you listen compassionately, that person will heal emotionally and solve their problem all by themselves.

This goes with mental well-being too. As we get older, we carry more emotional baggage from the trauma we have experienced in the past.

Trauma is anything that is emotionally or physically creating dissonance. The resonance of trauma tends to stay with us and compounds over time.

This causes mental and emotional overwhelm, physical pain, and physical illness such as inflammation, chronic illness, unexplained illness, and Fibromyalgia, for example.

Help one another heal through those wounds of the past. Often it is compassionate listening that can help a person to heal the most.

Support one another spiritually. Each person seems to have a spiritual journey they go on at some point in their life. Each spiritual journey is unique to the individual.

I feel it is important to allow someone the space to walk their own spiritual journey. Strive to be a support, not a critic.

When a person is balanced physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually life feels good. Strive to help one another achieve that balance.

You want a partner that will support you as you journey to be balanced in all areas.

Realize that you and your partner may have very different likes and dislikes regarding physical touch.

As an Autistic person, touch becomes an issue depending on my level of overwhelm and health. It also changes over a person’s life span. In my opinion, it is important to understand how your partner likes to be touched.

When it comes to intimacy, I feel spending quality time understanding one another’s comfort zones as far as the body goes is important. Take time to explore the physical body of one another. The more you learn about how to please one another, the better.

Physical touch is important to all humans. Caring and loving touch is important to your well-being and is even healing. Let your partner know what you like and what you don’t like. They will appreciate knowing how to please you instead of guessing. Don’t be afraid to say, “I really like that.” or “I don’t like that very much. Try this.”

I take a spiritual approach to physical intimacy. I don’t like crudeness or anything that isn’t showing true love, respect, and caring for the other partner.

Physical touch is a way I can deeply show love and caring to my partner and vice versa.

It is a moment of taking one another into a deep bliss of love that only you two can share. I don’t like it when such a beautiful moment of love turns into nothing more than a simple sexual exchange. Intimacy can be far more than that.

For a spiritual approach towards intimacy, I recommend this book: Between Husband & Wife-Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen E. Lamb, M.D. and Douglas E. Brinley, Ph.D. (Affiliate link)

What’s Important to Remember is This:

• A good marriage builds over time and takes both partner’s dedication to make it happen.

• Respect one another’s personal boundaries, values, and goals.

• Read the How-to books to gain a better understanding of each other.

• If you find yourself repeating negative relationship patterns, there may be an underlying reason. What baggage are you carrying from your past?

• Find strategies that help with communication, such as “The Point System” by Dr. Phil McGraw.

• The best advice is to learn how to have a disagreement successfully with an outcome both are happy with. Never let it escalate into chaos. Reading the book, “I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships” is a great option.

• It is possible to survive when you and your partner have very few shared interests. Take turns sharing each other’s interests. Create a list of interests that you both can enjoy and do together.

• Jealousy issues and controlling behaviors are deal-breakers.

• Give one another space and freedom for personal growth.

• Physical touch is a way to show love and caring. Partners should communicate what they like and don’t like. No one wants to guess. Be clear on likes and dislikes.

Let's keep in touch. Sign up for my newsletter.

RLEFERENCES:

• Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace with the .... https://marsvenus.com/product/men-women-and-relationships/

• 14 years of marriage but with a secret : relationship_advice. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/heexoy/14_years_of_marriage_but_with_a_secret/

• International Public Safety Association - The partner at .... https://www.joinipsa.org/IPSA-Blog/7820709

• Yu wins stipend to attend YALSA’s 2015 YA Services .... http://www.ala.org/news/press-releases/2015/08/yu-wins-stipend-attend-yalsa-s-2015-ya-services-symposium

• Linus Lohoff (linus_lohoff) | Domestika. https://www.domestika.org/en/linus_lohoff