PAINKILLER

PREFACE - PAINKILLER

The Exploding Star

I will protect identities, but I want to write about this big massive thing that happened to me, along with other big massive things that happened to me!

Upon reflection, it feels like the past 2 years of my life have been experienced in a different type of existence. Firstly, when two people meet at different stages of their lives and merge and energise (albeit temporarily), one can look back and wonder how did all of that happen?! There was a prolonged 'stop and stay' with this person that I met. From his train, he disembarked, before moving on down the line again (a very well-established pattern know around town by many). Imagine the ending not too dissimilar to an exploding star. The sun, being a star, exploded and poof! it's gone, a supernova, and all that is left is star dust...

It was an eventful time with powerful events surrounding it before and after and at this time of writing, we are all sharing the experiences of the COVID-19 2020 pandemic. Life is still very eventful.

Deciduous trees shed their leaves, and in Autumn 2018, my leaves all fell off too! This left me more vulnerable than usual. But with this gift of life, and its glorious nature, we're strong enough to feel and utilise the energy of hope and paddle on through those powerful rapids. I reflect with wounds, but with new personal life experience and new insights into human behaviour. I've got much more experience than I had before!

By the way, I'm a singer. There are download and collectible items are available in store. My late Father worked in television as a TV Director, and I was very lucky to meet popular celebrities at the TV studio at that time because it made my childhood very exciting, and I became very open-minded.

When I was a youngster, I had a favourite pop duo that I loved so much. They lit the flame in my imagination to have a dream about falling in love with another singer just like me (like a Prince and a Princess, I guess). An innocent fairy tale style story :)

One day, I was suddenly involved with a younger man who sings just like me! I'd not ever been romantically connected with a much younger man before (I was 48, and he was 28). It threw me off track! I also have to mention that I along with that, I also found my Mother had passed away in her home a few days before Christmas in 2018, and approximately 12 weeks later, I found out that I had been deceived by this male singer for around 5 months. It was no fairy tale at all. The mix of pain and shock as you can imagine was a big storm out at sea. These things do happen in life, but they had never happened to me! In difficulty understanding things clearly from the beginning to the end, I began to research particular topics in Psychology.

During lockdown, I had the opportunity (and interest) to read and learn. I have done 99% of this online. I've read so many stories that have been written by many, many people just like you and me. People really do support each other in online forums (and some unsavoury types lurk in there too adding to their unsavoury and manipulative behaviour). The support with so many caring and positive people is great to see and very encouraging, and so the bright light shines on in humanity. The areas of Psychology that I became interested in helps us understand the reasons as to why someone might behave in a certain way. I didn't have this knowledge before, and now that I have the actual life experience the two come together very nicely to bring me to exactly where I am now, on this page writing to you. The song PAINKILLER was created in 2019, and it's the preface to my story here on Vocal Media. I hope that you like it and enjoy my unfolding story that will be listed on my page for a limited time only. Thank you for visiting, and I will be back soon. Take care, and stay safe, kind regards, Belinda

CHAPTER 1 - PAINKILLER

Supernova - The End of More Than One Cycle!

A couple of years ago, when my 50th year of being on planet earth was looming in the distance, I was happy to be told how young I looked for my age by numerous people. So, off I went off into my dreams with my fairy tale young lover, and I got transported back into feeling younger again too! Just a note of concern to any worried or mums out there with sons of the adventurous type, please don't worry. I was a loving, caring and very kind person, and not just a 'hungry for young flesh' cougar, grrrrrrrr. I was never that at any stage, in fact I was not out hunting for any of it at all! I was manipulated, deceived and abused at my most vulnerable and painful time in my life. A woman who has been tricked and very hurt by another human being is devastating, but there will be more on that later...

In our lives, I've learnt that one can actually co-create the dynamics of old stories in our minds, the ones we recall from unsuccessful past romantic endeavours, and so we must make a commitment to challenge old behaviours because these stem from self-limiting beliefs.

Nature is harsh wherever we see it, and when we're part of it. Just like the large explosion at the end of a star's life cycle (the supernova). That sun that was as one disappears, but its dust and matter helps to create new stars, and this is recycling at its finest! This is what I am doing now!! Recycling all of my knowledge and my 'explosion type dust and matter' into some brand-new energy :)

I have no children, and I haven't married anyone yet! It's me, myself and I. Therefore, when you are in a romantically energised situation (e.g., a 'situationship'), if it's not nourishing for anyone involved at all, it's really time to move on, and as soon as possible (RUN!). This is the part that leads to the explosion in some cases. People behave in ways for very personal and private reasons, and not everyone can talk about them freely, or want to talk about them freely for reasons of their own. This is why we do have to turn inwards to ourselves and rely on ourselves much more than we currently do. We benefit when becoming more responsible to ourselves. If we're going to meet our objectives that bring happiness, then the less drama the better. It really does do us good!

Red Flags are not green. That feeling that you experience in your body (the instinct) when something is off and you don't know exactly what it is, so you ask some questions. But there it is, it's still there, that feeling, so you ask some more questions again. That dimmer switch emotion that shows you how to feel your instincts gets turned down by you! You turn down the volume of the warning signals to quieten them down. Not a good idea, and never will be. Is this being too open-minded and up for an adventure? (and deal with the consequences later!). Or is this something that goes deeper? I am currently investigating into me, myself and I, and I hope to at least help one person or more with protecting their light from leaving them for some period of time (e.g., from a heartbreak). I personally don't like heartbreak because for the majority of the time they are unnecessary and should be avoided! Humans are complex and not all of them care about anyone but themselves (sad).

Anyway, going back to being in a situationship that was not doing me any good at all, I was also very concerned about this person for reasons I won't go into. The 'caring' side of me became more intense and my feelings shifted into feeling very overwhelmed. The age difference then also became an issue for me (as well as the mess of the cheating and lying to two women and more). I won't go too deep into it, but being the nurturing type of female, and the 'older woman', I felt pretty helpless and it was too emotionally and physically exhausting. I was not born to live the life of a drain. Such a shame for two good singers to end on a bad note! Friction comes in all forms, never mind! The green-eyed monster isn't much help either (competition).

CHAPTER 2 - PAINKILLER

Socks!

Yesterday, I paired up all of the socks that were unpaired in my sock draw :) and my thought process went like this...

Why did I not do this from the beginning straight after I’d purchased them? For months I've been digging around in my sock draw, trying to find matching socks in my room that’s not always well lit (my bad). They’re all single black socks mixed up and they’re not identical in design! These bamboo socks of various sorts were on offer at an outlet store, and I needed to make sure they were all my size. So, with a mix of stitching and sowing patterns, and a mass of black bamboo cloth, the penny dropped yesterday??? Why do any of us do any of the things that we do when it just doesn’t add up? :)

The sock example above just got me thinking, why would I leave something so simple for so long to realise and implement it as a fix to a solution to a repetitive pattern causing issues? It would have made life easier and I wouldn’t have got frustrated with my socks at all!

Maybe that's what happens in other areas of life too (lol). Not doing the simplest things to make life easier and happier. Am I over complicating my life? Do any of us over complicate our lives? Do we put hope in the wrong places? Can you ‘misuse’ hope by making choices and decisions? I don’t think having hope amounts to a person being ‘disillusioned’, no, that feels to me to be too much of a strong word. Hope is part of our survival strategy and is built in... boundaries must be put in place (if not in place already).

Focus, focus, focus! Our brain thought processes and thinking patterns can get wired on a loop, and of course they can be changed too, so there you have it, it makes so much sense! How we feel can be used in a more positive way if we tap into how to do it good. Our time on this planet is short...

When someone’s intentionally making you feel confused (to cover up their tracks of what they're up to behind the scenes), and you are in a state of shock and grieving (or not), this is an emotional mental health space that I would passionately advise against. But how do you avoid getting into this situation? I personally feel so 'free' being an open, honest and caring person, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do give people the benefit of the doubt. At least you get the real deal that way! good or bad, you find out! Below is my first reference to an external source which is a quote by Alyssa Marie (Copyright - Alyssa Marie Wellness 2019 | All rights reserved).

A Gentle Note

Don't let your empathy for someone’s childhood experience be the reason why you tolerate dysfunction in a relationship. You can have empathy AND choose YOU.

I have been digging around inside of my life memories and identified some self-limiting beliefs of that I’ve probably had for many, many years, and they could be holding me back. In the shadow of losing my mother, I have had to adjust, and I have met some very nice people along the way. I’d heard about this type of activity of looking back into one's childhood, so recently, I dug deeper. I can relate to digging with some familiarity and fondness by going back in time to when I was searching in the early nineteen seventies with my late Father on the coast metal detecting in Cornwall. You never knew what you were going to find! It was so exciting!! It is not a selfish behaviour to turn inwards and self-study because it's a discovery, and by being brave, it can also turn out to be a time of adventure!

Part of my two-year recycling of dust and matter has been to read a lot, and as I mentioned previously, I've become really interested in psychology. This brings me to my second external source that originally appeared on Quartz and was published June 4, 2017. The article's about how it’s been scientifically proven that if a person is more open to new experiences, the person’s brain has a different visual perception of reality. Your personality shapes what you see! You can currently find this article to read on pocket (pocket worthy) titled Open-Minded People Have a Different Visual Perception of Reality (by Olivia Goldhill), or on Quartz.

To be continued...for anyone that does purchase my new single PAINKILLER, you will receive the entire pdf book/story via email, thank you.

Belinda xx