Overcoming the Past

The first time was supposed to be the last time. This is what I told myself after I lost count of how many times I had been knocked up side my head. This time was different; he left bruises. For the longest time, it had been verbal abuse. He'd say things like, "You're not good enough!", or "you're too skinny", and the one that stung the most, "That's not my baby!" I did not understand how someone who claimed they loved me could say those things, but for some reason I just could not let him go. This time it was different; I believed everything he said. He was not drunk or high, he said these things in pure anger.

Most people do not understand why a woman would subject herself to a man who physically and verbally abuses her. The problem is, most times the incidents happen so far apart. The verbal abuse happened once a month, and the physical abuse once every two or three months. In between that time, you grow more in love. This time was different; I was scared for my life.

Leaving him was terrible. I missed him, and longed for one of our good nights, but I knew for the sake of my children, I had to stay away. Some of the first few nights without him were the longest. Sleeping alone was more miserable than I had imagined in my dreams of leaving him. I can remember longing for his touch and the good times we shared. Deep down inside, I knew there was someone else who would be better for me. Looking at myself in the mirror was horrifying. I had always been complimented on my looks and my style, but I felt ugly. "Why couldn't the man I love, treat me the same way I treated him?" A few months passed, and I finally allowed myself to date again. After dating my then boyfriend for 8 months, we got married. There was no huge wedding, long engagement. He knew me, and despite all he knew, he chose to still love me. "Was it too soon?" Am I really healed, and over the past?" The real answer was, it was too soon, and I was still damaged. Over time, some of those pains began to surface. My husband was reassuring and comforting, but I know it bothered him, being with such a broken woman.

The scars that my domestic violence experience left me with are not only visible, but they are internal. Today they are more subverted more than ever, because I do not allow myself to remember those dark times. But I can't deny, there are still scars. If you are in a situation where your loved one hurts you, whether verbal or physical, I understand why you stay. I understand why it may take you years to leave. I understand why you love them. I wish I could tell you the pain goes away after you leave, but it doesn't. It does get much easier to manage, but the scars will always be there. So many people don't get the opportunity to share their story of how they overcame domestic violence. Their lives are our testimonies. I am grateful for God during those dark days of depression. I can remember thinking, "If I hadn't of said this, then maybe he would not of responded the way he did." I had to realize that it was his demons that made him act the way he did. He was damaged, and his desire was to damage me whether physical or verbal. But here I am, after being choked until the life left my body, I am here to tell you, you can overcome domestic violence. There is a beautiful life left for you to live.