Once Upon a Time

i used to be pro-life because i wanted a baby someday, and somehow they seemed connected. my dad was a bit weird, very brilliant and nothing i would ever want to mimic in a partner. but babies are babies, and i grew up in a “thing” and my dad raised me to be pro-life. i respect that. i do not respect him. i do not respect his idealogy. i never did, but feeling that way, and consciously changing what you DO believe are separate.

 i dreamt of making a baby with someone i respected, someone i was okay being connected to for as long as my child lived …. even if our love died. 

and then, five years ago, my soon to be ex-husband forced himself on me, when i had gone off birth control, and had never thought to be with him again. i don’t love birth control pills, i’d rather use other methods. but especially in this instance, i didn’t think i’d need it with him again. i was about to be single. i wasn’t planning on dating again soon … he wasn’t allowed near me.

after that horrible numbing evening, suddenly, i had new context. i understood. i shifted to be pro-choice as an ideology. i became pro-choice as a woman. 

it’s one thing to love life, and think it’s nice to wear a little hat of self-satisfaction that you’re holy and believe in life at conception. it’s another to be worried you’ll bring a mini-version of your abuser into the world. a mini ex. 

the biggest question screaming in my heart years ago, was would my genetic light be strong enough to cancel out his darkness? or would his emotional imbalance and darkness live again in my child if i became pregnant from that night.

 i became pro-choice. 

there was no way in heaven, or in hell, i would ever allow my child to be fathered by anyone other than the kindest, the most smart & deep-souled human. 

 i was ready, if an abortion mid-divorce was necessary, i’d tell the little human i was carrying it wasn’t time, and end things. 

what happened up until that point, and what happened after that isn’t relevant to this moment. the universe helped me and i didn’t need to get an abortion. but i would have, and i would still. i’m so SO grateful i had the option.

what is even more relevant to this conversation, is that twice — for a period of three years before it stopped, i’ve been physically abused, both times by men i should have been able to at least feel safe with. the first was as a child, the second as an adult. 

if an abortion hadn’t been an option the second time, the results would have been shattering and impossible to live with. 

i am one story, tame, among millions.

i am grieving for my gender. 

i am grieving for my species. 

lions won’t mate with other lions that are too aggressive, or too anything … they seek out mates that bring good to the pride, the rest, the aggressors …. die out.

we will kill goodness, if we take away the choice of us as women, the life bringers, to decide what we bring into this world.