Once Upon A Time... I Was The Bad Guy

There is something to be said about experiencing peace within one's self. To live in a state of the now and not be surrounded by emotions of guilt, shame, or self-loathing. So many years, wasted living in the past. Not able to forgive myself or others along the road to my destiny. In order to reach such a state of mind and being, it required me to first take accountability for the toxic behaviors and marks I left on others along the way. Not something that is easy to admit or even bring up. I think it is human nature to reflect on the way we perceive others' actions that negatively impacted us. So how does one backtrack and try to make amends for the negative roles played in others' stories? How do we justify or rectify being the bad guy in some of their chapters of life?

For me, this was the hardest pill to swallow. I have always held myself to standards and expectations above and beyond what was required. To be the best I could be with the tools I had at that moment in time. It's difficult to know the most trying times of my life; I was hurting those that needed me most.

My Children

Ugh... the most innocent of all. The ones I brought into this world to raise as kind, loving, generous, respectful adults. The ones I was to protect, nurture, and love selflessly. To know there are chapters of their stories that are painful, confusing, and left marks on their hearts for life. Now, let me first say, that I also am aware of the many amazing traits I built up in them. That the adults they are today, have many success stories that were shaped based on good, loving qualities from me. However, today, my focus is on resolving and finding peace in the current state. In order to discuss that aspect... I have to take a detour on my path of self-reflection, positivity, and forward motion to recognize that I wasn't always the good guy!

When a person goes through traumatic events, over and over... it does something to the brain. It causes a person to not clearly see or feel what is really happening. If that goes without professional therapy; a person attempts to numb the pain in the form of addiction. Drugs, Drinking, Gambling, Sexual Activities, etc. Now I am not a medical professional... I can only speak from years of experience and from the educational tools I was provided to assist in my personal recovery.

My vice... Vodka! What began as one or two shots after work to drive away from the stress and turn me into a relaxed fun mom... took a dark turn very quickly. The shots became bottles. I no longer was connecting on any level with my children. My goal to reach the state of numb, in order to sleep, was pushing away the ones in my life that needed me most. This selfish need to numb caused my children to become parents. They suddenly were forced to cook, clean, and keep me on track. A life that silently took years away from them. With a dad, that was in inpatient recovery for six months and a mom that was living in a state of a blackout... left them with so much hurt, confusion, and anger as to why both of their parents were not being the individuals they were supposed to be in their lives. The grown-ass adults!

I know I can't go back in time and take away the pain caused by the years I made a choice to not participate in life. I cant remove the scars in their minds. I can only take accountability for the role I played. Apologize for the pain I caused and talk with them honestly as to the why's. The situations that played out that they were too young to understand. Not to make excuses, but to help them see what triggered my role of being the bad guy in their stories. In owing these choices and talking about how they felt, and what they took from the moments... is the only way to the path of resolve. Owning the role I played. Taking accountability for being the bad guy and then forgiving myself. What they do with the honesty, the discussions, and the reflection on what it taught them... that is owned by them. I cannot control the emotions or the time it takes to heal.

What I do own is the path to my own peace. My own state of mind. I have to forgive myself for the choices I made and the pain I caused others. I cannot grow and keep in forward motion if I am holding on to moments that are in the past or emotions that I do not own. I can't tell you the exact moment I made a choice to start living life. To focus on the negatives about myself and highlight the positives within me. To force me to really see who I am and what type of person I want to be. Not for others... but for me. It felt so selfish! Yet, I feel at peace in my current state. I know that I deserve to live life regardless of the choices I made in the past. I don't have to fall asleep at night questioning my self-worth or loathing who I was. Who I was then - is not who I am today! That was important for me to understand and realize. I can take accountability for being the bad guy and then let it go. I don't have to keep those emotions and feelings in the present in order to resolve and move on.

Please know, it has been a span of ten years to get me to feel peace in any form. These words, these thoughts didn't just happen overnight. There were many nights I was on my hands and knees, sobbing, begging God for mercy! When in reality, it wasn't god's forgiveness I needed. It was mine! My world went very dark until I made the choice to forgive myself and stop wanting to die. To do what those I loved most needed from me. To be alive and living in the present... not stuck in a state of unforgiveness, and self-loathing.

To realize, I still played a role in their lives. In a much different capacity, as they are now grown, raising their own children and shaping the goals they want to follow. To allow me the freedom to begin living in a state of peace and forgiveness as I discover who I am and what I want to be when I grow up.

I love my children and have such pride for the persons they have become and for the ways they are raising their littles and living their lives. The daughters that have become mothers with patience and freedoms of allowing their littles to be creative and themselves without judgment. Teachings that are shaping the littles into outgoing, brilliant, individual beings. The son has the drive to follow his passions that is beyond words inspiring. With confidence and attitude that shouts to the world... he will reach his dreams. There is nothing that can stop him and believe me... I have no doubt anything will!

How can I not feel pride, respect, and love beyond words for these beings I brought into this world? The relationships I have with them today, keep growing stronger and are built on a foundation of trust, honesty, love, and laughter!

Now I get to watch them from a distance, as they continue to grow and write out their own chapters.