Newlywed Guy’s Guide to Marriage

If you’ve just gotten remarried for the second or tenth time, you can stop reading. You already know this stuff.

Or do you? If you already knew these things, you might still be with your first wife.

But I intend this article for you young guys tying the knot for the first time, specifically if you didn’t live together before the wedding. If you cohabitated, read it anyway. There are some things she saved for after it becomes official.

Sheets

You need some. Full sets. Multiple full sets. Multiple full sets in different colors.

Yes, colors.

When I was single, I moved into a small duplex next to a buddy of mine. The place had a large picture window in front that I needed to cover up. My friend showed me how he had thumb-tacked a sheet over his window.

I couldn’t believe he had done that and I told him he was an idiot.

“Jimmy, if you had used a fitted sheet, you wouldn’t have had to waste beer money on thumbtacks.”

Fitted sheets. Those are the ones that fit over the mattress. For you guys that have been sleeping on a bare mattress, those days are over.

At some point, early on, she will ask you, “Do you want to help me make the bed?”

As a recently single guy, you may think this is code for, “Do you want to have sex?”

It’s not. It’s code for, “Do you want to help me make the bed?”

The correct answer is yes. The correct answer to any question that begins with, “Do you want to,” is yes. She’s not asking your opinion. More on those in a minute.

You may or may not have had sheets in your bachelor place, or maybe you only had a partial set. But you’re not an idiot.

Everyone knows how to make a bed, right?

Wrong. There is a procedure. It’s like dancing. Let her take the lead.

For instance, with both the top and bottom sheets, there is a right side up. Don’t bother looking. You can’t see it. It’s visible only to wives. Don’t rush into things. You’re only there to be there and maybe hold something. Don’t move it or try to get creative, just hold it.

If you can get through the first bed making without an argument, you are well on your way.

Laundry

Good news. Your days of doing laundry are over. You have no idea how to do laundry, so don’t even try. It’s way more complicated than you think. It’s not rocket science. Laundry baffles rocket scientists. If by some fluke of rotten luck, she lets you do the laundry, screw it up. Royally. Throw in some old clothes you don’t want anymore. Add about a half bottle of bleach. Set everything to the hottest possible setting and let ‘er rip.

Now you are done with laundry.

Almost. There are areas where your participation is mandatory. Carrying in the hamper, for instance. Sometimes, you may be allowed to carry folded stuff and put it away.

Be very careful. Don’t assume that the stack of folded towels goes on the empty shelf next to the other folded towels. Ask.

Always. Ask.

You know that one comfortable shirt you used to wear for weeks without washing? Nope, not happening. “Do you want to put that shirt in the laundry?” You just learned what that means.

Okay. This one is important if you live in a two-story. At some point, you will pass the stairs and there will be a stack of laundry on the bottom step. Don’t step over it and go upstairs. This is not optional. It is for you to carry upstairs. Even if you are not going upstairs, take it up anyway.

Opinions

You don’t have one. She has one. You don’t need one.

But you do need to figure out what hers is. She won’t tell you. You’re just going to have to figure out the clues. Sometimes, she will be helpful; sometimes not.

“What color sheets do you think we need to buy?”

This is a trap with no clues. And when I said you don’t have an opinion, that doesn’t mean you can tell her you have no opinion. “I don’t care,” is never an acceptable answer. The things you are really thinking, like, “What difference does it make,” and, “We already have sheets, why do we need new ones,” can never be spoken.

And “do you think,” is just added for her amusement.

You may think you’re clever. You’re not. You may try something like remembering the color of sheets you already have and say, “I like the green ones.” In the first place, I don’t know what color they are, but I can guarantee you, they aren’t green. Plus, has she ever bought the same color of anything twice? Don’t answer that. You’re wrong.

“What would you think about teal sheets?”

Ahh much better. There’s a clue. Hint: Go with teal.

Eating out

Now there’s an adventure. I think by now you know that, “Where do you want to eat?” is not a question. And that sports bar you used to live in is not an answer. If you’re looking for help here, there is none. I can’t help you. It’s trial and error; you’ll figure it out.

Or not.

“Where do you want to sit?”

Another trap. This one is unavoidable. It doesn’t matter if you pick a table or the host takes you to one, it’s wrong. The quickest way to deal with this is to just sit down at the first table you come to. Then she will tell you where you want to sit.

It’s a lot quicker than walking to the other side of the restaurant and then having to move to the other side.

What if she doesn’t ask you? Maybe you walked in and the host ushered you immediately over to a perfectly fine table.

Flat on top. Four legs. At least two chairs. Perfect.

Again, watch for the clues. If at any time, her head moves, you’re in the wrong place. If she looks to the side, up or down, there is something wrong. At this point, it can only be the table. Move. Quickly. Where? I have no idea. Figure it out.

“What are you thinking about ordering?”

The clue here is ‘thinking about.’ Have an answer ready. Pick the first thing you see. It doesn’t matter, that’s now what you are getting. She is getting a salad. You are getting what she wants to eat. With fries. Order a lot, you will only get half of it.

But don’t worry about going hungry, you still have a salad to eat.

And dessert. “Do you want dessert?” is not a question. Figure out what she likes, because, “Do you want to split something?” is also not a question.

I hope this little guide will be helpful to you guys. Marriage is a tricky business. It’s a series of compromises. And by compromise, I mean to do it her way.

But if you take these tips to heart, memorize them, and put them into practice, I think you’ll be okay.

Of course, that’s only the first week.

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