Never thought I would rid my life of you.

In my last close relationship, I hung out with a guy-friend a lot. And as time went on, I spent almost all my waking hours with him. Sometimes, this was great, I always had someone to go to the store with or get food with. I had someone to go to any event I wanted, not that we went many other places than the movies. But, nonetheless, I had that someone to do almost everything with.

Except, I was neither dating this person nor did I want to. And I'm not sure he ever got that message. Now, I can't deny that I probably played around with him too much (wrestling around on the couch and other places. Nothing that I thought of as sexual but it was definitely close).

In the end, he was the closest I've been to a relationship without wanting to be with him, and he was the closest I've been to an abusive one.

No, he never once hurt me physically.

But, he was probably one of the most jealous, insecure, and issue loaded guys I've known. We both have mental issues to work through, it's true. But, what's strange to me is that while he said some horrible things, it's what he did that really angered me. And even a year or so after ending our “friendship”, a pit still forms in my stomach and a feeling of dread still fills me when he even makes himself known in my life. Something as simple as a “heart” on Instagram.

I'm not the best for making what I want and don't want clear in person. Confrontation issues. So, there were times in person when I should have said something different. But, I didn't.

I told him via text that I didn't want him putting his hands in certain places (sexual places). To which he seemed miffed but said “okay”.

I told him this, about 2-3 times. Because guess what? He didn't listen or act accordingly. Now I could have tol him off, and honestly I still haven't gotten over my own willingness to be put through shit like this.

Once I asked him after he ran his fingers across my genitals, why he did that in the first place. He tried to play it off like he was in some “trance” and didn't realize it was happening.

Yet, whenever he (much to my annoyance) played with my hair and his hand would get caught in the tiniest knot so small I was barely phased, he would immediately apologize.

But, no he didn't notice his fingers being very close to my genitals half the goddamn time. I mean really, if that's supposed to be an excuse...

I think what really did the damage at the end, was being told horrible things all because I wanted to have a few days to myself... Now, some of this was because of a mental issue on his end that was never looked into until the very end of our “friendship”. But, I am not a therapist nor even dating him, so his problems were not mine to fix. The most stressful time, I think, was the suicide...threats/simply goodbye's. The first two times, I begged him to stay alive, always unsure of whether he had already sliced his wrists or not. His go to method. But towards the end, my patience was already running thin and my deal breaker was being told and called horrible things. The third time though, I realized I couldn't help him when he just ignored my pleas anyway. So, I told him that I didn't want him to die, but I couldn't stop him if he did kill himself. It was up to him.

One time, I asked for a day to myself, after an early day previously that he also wasn't happy about ending. And his response to my request for a day off (not that I caved when he got angry), “fuck you”.

And I had enough, and we spent the next two days fighting. When I had to drop off some of his stuff, he asked to hug me and when I said no, because it had been barely a day since we last saw each other, he got angrier. So, I left his stuff outside the door in a garbage bag, then as soon as he was outside, I sped off as much as possible in the parking garage.

And I have not been in the same area as him since. We had to chat a couple times because of a gaming account, but otherwise he was blocked on Facebook, and at first my story was hidden from him on Instagram. But, then today, I get an Instagram notification that says he liked a picture of mine. And once I saw it was him, that pit formed and dread and it was like a shock. He is now blocked on that site too, part of me wishes I could block him from life and make sure I never cross his path again. And even worse, and if this makes me sound horrible then so be it, but part of me wishes he had ended it all. Then I would know for sure that I'll never see him again. But even I can tell that is a bit harsh.

If you've made it to this point, thank you for reading :) this is one of those things I had to get out there. And if you can relate at all, well I am sorry. But, we know it can get better.

Eventually, supposedly it can. Of course, even though it's been a good year since I started writing this and I am still working through things via therapy. Very therapuetic for those who haven't tried it. It's better without him. Pretty sure he's alive and maybe he's doing well. Either way, it really is so much better to be by yourself, then to tolerate anything that goes beyond your boundaries.