Narcissistic Abuse

by Cindy Gust 7 months ago in single

Victim or Perpetrator

Narcissistic Abuse
Photo by Chris Unger I

8/23/2019 and 8/24/2019 and 8/25/2019

It’s me, I can’t deny, why I’ve been waiting so long. And what exactly I’ve been waiting for.

I just need to know if I’m forgiven. Without that I just can’t move on. I know, you say, “too bad, don’t cry. Now you can feel what I felt for quite some time”.

I’m feeling it alright. I bow to you. You have the throne, I’m moving on.

Goodbye. So long. I’m backing down. It’s just one of those things that will keep me holding on. I’ll give you my life, while I sit here in disgrace, no matter how long it takes. As long as you find your happiness that’s all I want to count on. Tit for tat. It’s the most I can do. Regardless of anything you’ve ever done, I’ll be the person who disappears, just for you. So you won’t have to feel uneasy bumping into me. You will no longer see me. You can bring your inner child back out. The perpetrator is gone. I wish you well. Good luck. So long.

I am beginning to see the full picture. That I was a perpetrator as well as a victim, of my own life and the lives of those around me. There’s no more “feeling sorry” for myself, and certainly no reason to be angry or to stay resentful at anyone whom has passed through my life. I wouldn’t stay with me either. I deserve better, and so does everybody else.

There is no right or wrong among people. We are all here for the same reason. To experience fulfillment and joy through our lifetime. And it’s each other we all gain our experiences from. Throughout time, and beginning in childhood, we all want to explore. We are all eager to learn what this vast big universe is all about. We all have that curiosity of a child. And it’s in those childhood eyes that we form our perceptions of what the world is really about, from our own small, childhood eyes. Each person, or child, has determined what the obstacles are in their surroundings. Since this universe is so huge, and we are so small, it’s obvious we can’t explore it all. So we set up tent in our immediate space. If our immediate space is rocky and coarse, we naturally expect or assume that the rest of the world is just as rocky and coarse. Thus, it makes sense that all we’ve got to wear to walk through life is our hiking boots. Why would we be wearing high heals if we’re not aware that some roads, plats, spaces (families/people) are actually quite smooth and flat, so tennis shoes would work just great.(?)

I’m going to guess, that out of all the families in this world, families that travel a lot would be the most well rounded, or healthy family (persue). So, in coming to that conclusion, this would have to be a natural family historic event, so people don’t forget there are more terrains and climates in this world than the ones that require hiking boots and a winter coat.

I guess that means I’ve got a lot of shopping to do.

There is nothing I can do to make this situation right. I was wearing my hiking boots when I should have been wearing nothing at all on my feet. I’ve ruined the grass. I don’t think it’s going to grow back. So, if you see a sign that says, “Please don’t walk on the grass”, it’s that simple, just don’t do it. Your gut feeling is never wrong. Regardless of what the grass may LOOK like, each blade is separate of their own. They just stick in a cluster of grass to keep protected from the harshness of the climates in this world.

This has been a valuable lesson for me. And I feel the need to share it. If nobody gets the metaphor let me spell it out. Because there are several:

First of all, it’s time for the “empaths” to quit picking on the “bullies’. There are no “empaths” (sensitive person) and there are no “bullies” (narcissist). We are both the same, just a different degree of sensitivity. That’s it. That’s all. Every time an “empath” degrades a “bully” on a public forum it’s just as hurtful as when the empath feels they’re being degraded by the narcissist in private. Maybe, some people are angry about the comparison of the two. Maybe some people see that their narcissist has bullied them in both private AND public, and feel it’s only fair to do the same back. Well, if you are TRULLY who you say you are, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Because you’ll never be able to take it back. You’ll never be able to FORGIVE YOURSELF. Because the narcissist will just walk away, not a word said. And you’ll be left In lingo, wondering, “Am I forgiven?”. That question is haunting, At least, if you’ve been hurt you can still walk away, and walk away with no regrets. The other person is the ONLY person that will suffer the internal consequences of what they’ve done.

Which leads me to, narcissist’s do too have feelings. I have been on both ends of the spectrum. I have been a victim AND a perpetrator. It has taken me decades, a lifetime to realize this. It took my last marriage to realize this. The difference between being a victim and a perpetrator is age specific. AND, when you become to know the difference between right and wrong. I grew up in a narcissistic home. But I didn’t become aware of it UNTIL NOW. After several failed relationships, the last one being my second marriage to whom I called “a narcissist “. It took more than therapy to get me to see the truth behind my reactions to the treatment he bestowed upon me. It was tit for tat. I was doing the exact same thing I was accusing him of. I undermined him without even realizing I was doing it (just like he did and didn’t realize it). I could go on and on about this, but the bottom line is there is no victim or perpetrator in a toxic relationship. Because BOTH are victims and BOTH are perpetrators. It takes more than therapy to get either to see it though. But by the time YOU may see it, it will be too late to do anything about it, because your partner will be gone without a word more to say on the subject and you’ll be left hanging. In regret. When you finally do wake up and see it.

I can write a best selling novel about this to try to convince everybody, but until you actually experience the loss yourself you may never understand where I’m coming from.

I guess I just realized I I have actually been through a lot in my life, and at times I still find myself going through it. I read an article about acute CPTSD early this morning. It happened to say what I think I needed to hear, and I didn’t even realize I needed to hear it. I have said after my last relationship that I am a victim of narcissistic abuse. I did not realize, however, how much involvement I had with narcissistic abuse until I read that article. And now, because I realize the truth, I see why I keep or kept getting involved with the same type of people over and over. I didn’t realize, or I blocked out the obvious. I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse since I was born. That’s why I never noticed it. That’s why I have continued to let these things happen to me. And that’s why I am experiencing what I am experiencing now. A total disconnect from myself and reality. Now that I realize this, what do I do about it?

When my dad died I thought it was the end of suffering, for him and for me. I am realizing now that it was only the beginning for me. But it wasn’t just him. I realize it was/ still is others. It was grandparents and uncles. Ancestral, Relationships. Peers, a lifetime. I thought I’d gotten over most things, but I guess I’ve just been …. Putting a bandaid on. Or ignoring it, burying it. I guess I buried it all and just moved on like nothing happened.

Knowing what I know now, I wonder how I got away with it for so long? I did therapy for years. But somehow I managed to slide by those uncomfortable thoughts, memories and feelings.

Like somebody I know said, I, or we were duped. I thought I knew it all, was wise to the world. I am finding out that all I thought I knew, is really nothing known at all. So hence, I am starting over one more time. Something tells me it’s not one more though. I realize I really have no voice. Not for the things that matter, and that is the child within.

Cindy Gust
Cindy Gust
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Cindy Gust

49 years old, from Wisconsin USA. I aspire to be a best selling author. In the process of writing my first book! I am a wellness advocate for doTERRA essential oils, I love making DIY skin care products with essential oils.

See all posts by Cindy Gust