My 2019 was horrible, inside and out. Every aspect of it. I get to read my Facebook memories and just hate myself for having to go through everything I did. However, if I hadn't, I don't think I would have met the most amazing person in the world.
In February 2018, I reached the end of a six year long relationship. I felt unloved and avoided and there was no sex life anymore. During that relationship, I asked if I could date the same gender as I assumed at that point I was bisexual and into polyamory. I figured I could love two people at the same time, equally. I started talking to a woman and slowly felt my feeling grow stronger and stronger for her. We went out for a date, then spent that weekend together, then the next week, we were going to spend another weekend together. Now, my six year long relationship guy, we'll call him Ralph, had asked me to come home for a little bit before this woman, we'll call her Jane, and I went to her house for the weekend. As a woman in two relationships, and both partners knowing about each other, of course I agreed. I came home, Jane and her friend came with, and I tried to spend some time with Ralph before it got dark and we went to Jane's house.
He completely ignored me. He wouldn't even look at me. He sat at the dining room table and played on his tablet, so Jane, her friend and I went into the kitchen so I could clean up a little. Ralph still ignored me. Jane got really upset with how he was treating me and stormed outside to the car, her friend following. I kissed Ralph goodbye, told him I loved him, and left after Jane.
That weekend was the weekend I was convinced that I didn't love Ralph any more. Jane had showed me more love in two weekends than Ralph had in the last two years. So I wrote him a letter via text and... I text messaged broke up with Ralph. I was afraid that he would convince me to stay with him and cry and everything else, but I had had enough of him. I had been promised change for five years and I was fed up.
So. I came out as lesbian. I figured this was the woman I was supposed to spend my life with. Jane did everything a partner should... at first. We ended up renting a home, adopting a dog together, and living as couples do. Around March 2018, Jane came out as trans-gendered, now to be called Jack.
Jane loved me. Jack hated everyone and everything. As soon as Jack came out, everything changed. Three months later, on Jack's birthday, he went home to spend some time with his family, and ended up cheating on me. Why did I try so hard to stay? I should have left him right then and there. But, alas, my dumb self didn't want to be alone ad figured since it was just a kiss, we could work on things and move past this.
We tried to work everything out, the lease came to term, and we found an apartment. There's a lot of time in there that I don't quite remember everything that happened, but I believe it was somewhere in the summer of 2018. Jack had become mentally and physically abusive, yet I still stayed.
October of 2018, and Jack was done with me completely. I tried as hard as I could to stay with him. It's hard to leave your abuser, especially when you think they are the only one that could love you for who you are. Especially when you loved them with all your heart and kept making excuses for their behavior. He had gone home to live with his mother for a while, ended up in the psyche ward, but eventually came home to me. We tried to work on things some more, but he chose to only be friends, yet live together. So I was becoming ok with that and was looking for someone to date.
February of 2019, and my ex came back into my life. Not Ralph, but someone else. We'll call him Fred. Now Fred had reached out, asking me for help because he was homeless and needed a place to stay and get sober. As a friend, nothing more, I decided I would help him. I would offer him a place to stay and food in his belly, and anything he needed to get on his feet. You see, I'm a person with a too-big heart. I try to make sure everyone is happy. Well, turns out, Fred was only using me. He faked loving me and that he wanted to be together, that he was done with meth, and he even gave me a ring. Little did I realize that it was the same ring he gave to his last girlfriend(s).
Keeping in mind, Jack was still living with me when this all happened. Jack did not approve. He caused a stink to the apartment manager, we lost the apartment, and Fred and I just kind of... floated along. I thought things were going good. My sister liked him, and she helped us out quite a bit.
We ended up living in my van for a week and that's when everything went downhill. Fred got me started on meth, had me driving all over the state for no apparent reason, used me to get to his actual girlfriend, and I dumped him. He let the air out of my tires, which I didn't know until I got to, guess who's house? Jack's. Jack had been wanting me back, telling me how much he missed me and that I could come live with him again.
So I joined some trans support groups, and we tried to live together again, but he just didn't want the kind of relationship I did. He also was trying to hook up with a roommate we had. I saw a post on one of the support groups for trans about a guy who had been dumped after proposing to his girlfriend. Remember this. So I was eventually pushed out of the house. I went to go live with someone I had been talking to, I have no clue how I met her, and I was her live in nanny. The lady turned out to be a psycho and I needed to leave. Boom! Fred comes back. I fell for it again. I moved in with him, and he played me again. I finally gave up, dumped everyone in my life, and moved in with a high school friend who had offered to help.
I finally left the toxic men in my life. Now. This guy's post that I had commented on in the support group, we had added each other and started chatting a while ago. I would pop in every now and then, he was watching my life unfold via Facebook, I was a mess, he knew it, he stuck around, and he cared. He had always been kind of hiding in the shadows, waiting to make his move.
May 2019, he made his move. But, me not being too sure of myself, got scared. I told him that I was pretty sure I was a lesbian and that I was flattered, but no thank you. He was hurt, but he still stuck around. About a week later, after some self reflection, I realized it wasn't men I hated, it was toxic people. And, for no known reason, he was the first person I came out to as pansexual. I've finally landed on a term that meant something to me.
We started talking, really hitting it off, and we couldn't stay away from each other. Eventually, we wanted to talk to each other so much, that we video chatted overnights just so we could "sleep next to" each other. We talked all day every day. Remember, he's from Florida(Ohio, but lives in Florida) so I really didn't think anything would actually happen, but I became depressed about it. I told him I wanted to meet in person, that I wanted to be together, I just didn't know how. I had a really good job and was living on my friend's couch. I wanted a better life. With him.
It turned out that he was coming up to Minnesota where I lived to see his cousin for Pride! (Rainbow crowd woo!) So he came up a week early just for me. I felt like I had forced him to come see me, but it turned out that he wanted to see and meet me just as much as I did him. He came up June 18th, 2019, and we haven't been apart since.
We stayed in hotels for a week, spent the night as his cousin's house, went to pride, then made the trek back down to his apartment in Florida. He is such a goofy man. I love him with all my heart. He allows me to be me, and I don't have to hide the fact I have mental issues or that I'm overweight and I can be my silly and extra self. He loves every single bit of me, even the parts I thought were unloveable. I have never felt such a complete love from someone, not even my own family.
He treats me like the queen I am, and he is my king. I don't know where I would be without him, truly. I think if I hadn't met him, made the risk to completely turn my life upside down, I would have gone back to an ex that would have further broken me. I'm done being broken. I'm done being used and being fake-loved. I'm done with toxic and people that have no positive value in my life.
I am finally happy. For once in my life, I'm happy and I don't even have to question it.