My Open Apology Letter

Dear___________,

If you are reading this, most likely we haven't spoken in awhile. We met some where along the way, and at some point we parted ways. Whether it was intentionally or unintentionally it happened, and I am trying to process why.

Recently I filed for divorce from my ex. While I was wrapped up in what I thought would be a happily ever after situation, I am in the beginning phase of seeing past the rose color filter I have been seeing the world through. Let me tell you, as the days go on I am physically sick at the damage that has been done not only to me, but to you as well.

Growing up in an abusive household, I carried this victim mentality for the last 26 years. Everyone in the world was out to get me, everything is my fault because of other people etc. Well today I want to let you know, I am sorry for the damage I caused. That's right me.

Don't get me wrong, it would be SUPER easy to blame him, and say how horrible of a person he was. And while mental and emotional abuse are really serious and anyone can be a victim of it, I need you to understand that there is nothing you could've done to stop what was happening. I am fully responsible for my actions, and the damage I caused as a result of selfishly needing to feel whole.

Emotionally, I had a ton of childhood trauma that had left a hole in my soul. Between being sexually assaulted, and dealing with a parent suffering from drug abuse, I began constantly running from the past the moment I stepped out of the doors of my last foster home. These memories were so painful, that I chose to push them down and try to live life the best I could. But my coping skills for trauma suck and it didn't change much the older I got.

Eventually this lack of emotional illiteracy caused me to keep running up until now, and looking back there is a cloud of hurricane size damage that I don't know if I can truly fix. It's easier to throw the blame on people who hurt me, but today my eyes opened up through out the day causing me to write this letter. There is so many people who I tried to reach out too. Friends who were in my life during my marriage and walked away, to people before my marriage and there is a common theme that I kept seeing.

Do you know how much I felt used by you? Do you know you only message me when you need something? Do you know you only reach out when you try to sell me something? Do you know I tried to warn you, that you were throwing away your military career to that guy? Do you know you're a sob story? Do you know because of your choices that you caused yourself this? Do you know that if you hadn't done XYZ you wouldn't be in debt, or need his child support? You should've left when he did you wrong. You deserve to be going through what you have. You chose this life. I don't want to talk to you because I don't want to be involved in your divorce. Every one you involve in your life will only be dragged down. People need to seriously stay away from you. You want everyone to feel sorry for you, but you are not the victim. You contribute to your own cycle of madness and it's dangerous to your kids. I worry about the safety of your kids... isn't this the 10th time you made him leave? When is he coming back?

These are the statements made by several people. It didn't matter if it was a guy or girl, military or civilian, I knew I was in deep shit. People who reached out 5 years later to tell me how much I had hurt them because of something I said or did, and truthfully it's overwhelming. I'm no means perfect, but I had to recognize there was a pattern. Karma was on my door step, bringing the ugly out and telling me I needed to finally face these demons after all this time. However I need you to know, I genuinely took what you all said. Every message and every call. I heard every word, but I want you to hear me when I say this.

I had to go through this as long as I did to finally get it.

As in the universe knew, it was going to take me this long to wake up and realize I needed to change. It took every person I lied to, every time some one told me to leave, every time someone warned me about dangers ahead and I didn't listen. It took me this long to understand the damage and I am so sorry for the pain I caused you.

For some it's long lasting, because its a comment I made because I was a bully, willing to push people down so I could make it to the top to succeed. I wanted so badly to be popular at school and in the military I strived to have people like me all so I could make rank, that it rubbed many the wrong way. I wasn't deemed capable of being mentored, and was unreliable.

For some it was me destroying trust in relationships. There were times I slept with your husband, fully aware of how much it would cause a rift. Or when I worked at the club and danced for him fully aware you were at home struggling with the kids trying to make dinner, but instead I was that girl who was fully aware I taking your man to the ATM to drain his bank account.

For some I would call you only when I felt completely like the world was against me, not caring at all whether or not you had any of your own personal issues, and I just wanted my voice to be heard. Some one to feel my pain, because the pain was over whelming. Because my pains were only the true pains that mattered. I just wanted to dump all my personal issues out on you, because I didn't feel like I could control what problems I had caused myself.

For some I had a racial bias.

For some I stole.

For some I took advantage of your kindness.

And let me tell you, it all came back to me. I have come to learn that what choices you make in life all have consequences good or bad. They will come back to you.

I chose to marry this individual, because I had this void of not having a father figure in my life. I thought that instead of working on myself to let go of this past trauma, it would go away the moment he slid a ring on my finger. Truthfully, it magnified. I married someone who was equally unequipped to commit due to his own personal issues. Which had this intense trickle down affect on every aspect of my life.

The truth is the damage is done, and there is no going back to change things or make things better. I just want you to know that I woke up. I see everything, but I don't know where to begin. Many have asked me to not return to the bridge I burned, and that's fine. You have every right to not forgive me.

I just want you to know I am taking the most deep personal inventory of my life. These fleeting moments that I can't forget even when I close my eyes, haunt me every second. But they are the past, and they have to stay there. If I am going to be better I can't let that door of my past hang open, it's what caused me to get to where I am now. It's time to just own everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, I have learned my lesson.

I hope to take these lessons, and quietly allow you to move on in your life. I hope you do what makes you happy, and you find peace throughout the chaos I caused. I hope you see the simplicity in the smaller things in life. I hope you become the leader you always wanted to be. I hope you find true love, and strengthen the relationships you have. But most importantly, I hope some day you will be able to have those moments of pain eventually flow into the wind to be forgotten.

Some things are better left alone.

-Kayla