My Never-ending Struggle to The Light.

by Christy Allen 4 months ago in breakups

It’s colder in July than it will be in December.

My Never-ending Struggle to The Light.
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

I wish I could fill this page with anger and resentment towards you for taking everything I was just becoming accustomed too having.

Things like security. An actual life that isn’t wasted on the streets.

Love or something that felt so much like it. Writing this on a broken screen from when you threw my phone at the wall makes this even harder.

Because even if I try to forget you and everything that happened, these cracks will stare me right back, and I won’t be able to unsee or unfeel.

I still remember the butterflies that tangled in my stomach when you would pull me into your arms in that damn bed in that run-down hotel room, and I would roll over and lay on top of you, and I would curl up in your shoulder and feel like my body linked so perfectly with yours. Nothing could hurt me when I was with you, and it’s so ironic that the one place I felt the most safe, would be the place I all but feared for my life.

People have told me since to stay away from you, you were in the psych ward before, you’re not all there. I know to stay away from you, and unfortunately I have to forever if I ever want to feel whole again.

I felt whole with you. I felt everything with you, and I wish I could hate you deeply for it, but you’ll always be my most involved relationship. We saw it all together; Homelessness, Addiction, Gang fights and Despair.

But I got to see every part of you, the sensitivity and care you put into tending to my yearning soul made me never question your motives. You showed me tenderness, affection, and care when I was sure that I would never find any of those again except for within myself, where I was always giving it to other people.

It was so easy to hate you for everything when it was fresh, when I still felt the ringing in my ears and the soreness in my throat from where your fingers wrapped, but now that I’ve physically healed, walking away is going to be so hard.

“Could of” are two of the most painful words in English.

You could of been everything I was looking for.

I could of been the person you needed.

We could of lasted forever.

Oh god, we could have.

I felt the care and love that I hadn’t felt since I was my mother’s child, and having to lose that all over again is going to be a huge struggle.

So until I become the person I need right now, I will carry you like a burden, but admire you the way I learned to admire myself through you.

I’ve been told I attract broken people because I always try so hard to heal, but I thought they would never fully break me.

I’ll numb everything with alcohol, and dope and cigarettes I told myself I’d lay off of.

And remember those nights in the abandoned house, where we only focused on loving each other and where we were going for warmth from there.

And then when the memories become too hard, I will shed them like an extra skin, and be the person I needed to be then. It would be much too late for us, but maybe then I can change my “could of”s into my “we did”s

We did last forever.

We did love each other wholeheartedly.

We did wait for each other on the other side.

And I won’t have any hatred or resentment for you, or what you have done.

I will only feel free.

Free to bask in The Light.

Christy Allen
Christy Allen
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Christy Allen

24 Year Old Canadian Transgender Woman. Customer Service Agent by day, Life of the party at night, every night. I wish to be loved in the light, and needed where I am loved

See all posts by Christy Allen