My Journey through 2020

2020 was a year of enlightenment and growth. I ended a 4 year marriage with someone I loved but I knew love wasn’t enough to get us through. 2020 held a lot of self love and maintenance. Ella Mai, Jhene Aiko and Monica, to name a few, got me through this year. My number one song is Naked by Ella mai! Omg the lyrics to this song speak to my heart. This year I attended therapy for the first time in a very long time. I feel like I had to strip naked my emotions, traumas, past hurts, and even my current hurts!

My top 20 songs has to be broken up into the seasons I went through this year. At first I was just happy to be free and single! I was mad that he messed up what we built so my playlist consisted of songs like: Diva by Beyoncé, Sorry not Sorry by Demi Lovato, Thank you next by Ariana Grande, Yas by Todric, B.S, None of Your Concern and Triggered by Jhene Aiko, and Shame by Jill Scott and Eve! I mean how could you miss out on all of this awesomeness?! How could 4 years be over but whatever, I’m the shit and he gonna miss this! But I noticed I was running into dead end situations or entanglements as Jada said so I knew then that this journey wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.

So check this, every night I’m crying myself to sleep (well days because I work noc). I was feeling so alone and was questioning my decision to walk away. It didn’t help that he was still in my ear promising the world 🙄. I was like at least I know his bullshit; I know what to expect. I needed someone to talk to but I had learned the hard way that you don’t tell your family nothing! They not letting go of nothing because they are perfect angels who never fuck up so how dare we consider taking this man back. So I enrolled in therapy. My intake session consisted of me barely being able to formulate sentences as to what I was feeling. They diagnosed me with depression and PTSD. I was paired with a woman who truly helped me take myself out of the box I had allowed myself to be put in. That’s when songs like Master piece by Jazmine Sullivan, invisible by Jennifer Hudson and Soulmate by Lizzo became my Jams. This woman taught me to set boundaries that I desperately thought wasn’t possible. I love positive energy and light, but so many people brought darkness and negativity. I had to start saying “No!” No to conversations I didn’t want to have, No to things I didn’t want to do, No to non loyalty, No to using me, plain out No to negativity! I had to love me and stop worrying about pookie and dem’.

So as I’m attending therapy, I’m working on my credit, chasing the bag and discovering my passions. Songs like Superwoman and Girl on Fire by Alicia keys became my jams! I was free! I felt happier, but cried a lot less, I was becoming comfortable with being alone and being me! Songs like Level up by CiCi, Golden by Jill Scott pumped me up! Add some Mary J with Just Fine; you got a jam session. This session was incomplete without this classic: Closer by Goapele! I would have a buzz ball and a joint of some good and slow dance around my apartment while singing these songs!

So as I’m coming through therapy and setting boundaries, I realized that the key to not getting my heart broken again was to set boundaries in relationships as well. I created a list of what I needed from a man in my life. At the start of the year, it was a short half page but by the end of therapy, I had 50 qualities on there(My therapist helped me bring that down lol). I had to learn that it’s okay if I have to wait to have my Mr. Right. In a society where we don’t really have to curb our immediate desires because everything is at our fingertips, waiting is not a characteristic instilled in me. Especially once I logged on my old page and saw he had moved on🙄😂. Like no, I don’t want you but I want you to be heartbroken for a while! Toxic I know! I was still in therapy so we discussed this! I had to get back fatocused on what I wanted. My therapist didn’t even entertain a conversation too much about him this point, she didn’t allow it to be a setback, she said okay so what is next for you?! You are booked and busy with Magnificent Mom and Dynamic Dad who allow you a platform to get your words out there and to be apart of a team that is bringing awareness to the traumas In the home. You’re working yo butt off, credit rising, what’s next?

I said I’m ready to move on but slowly. This is when songs like Steady love by India Arie, and Commitment by Monica were played daily. Omg, Steady love describes the kind of love that I must have before I say I do again. Commitment is literally asking My future husband if he ready to make my dream come true. Monica broke down how a woman thinks so plainly. Love is hard love is patient love is consistent. Are you ready to give me that? If that song doesn’t speak to you then you are not my soulmate.

Don’t get me wrong, I had some slip ups where my negative thoughts would take over and I would have to lean on my gospel to bring me back. That’s when Won’t he Do it by Koryn, Your Spirit by Tasha Cobbs, Never wave my Flag by Mary Mary, Victory by Tye Tribbet, The battle is the Lords by Yolanda Adams( the 6 minutes and 25 seconds version; it hits differently), and Yes by Shekinah Glory. My whole gospel playlist hits! Follow me on Apple Music for that praise party.

So as you see, I went through a hell of a year and I’m still here Ready to walk into 2021 and accomplish my goals. I’ve already signed back up for school to get my BA, taking on leadership roles in the program and working hard to make a difference in teenagers lives at work! Music was definitely a huge part of my life this year as it’s literally my way of combating the feeling of being alone. Happy New Years .