My husband looks at me a lot. I mean a lot. Especially when we are watching movies, whenever something serious or funny or even just at random times, he'll look at me to see my reaction I guess, or maybe just to look at me...
Either way, sometimes it gets under my skin. Sometimes I look at myself in my mind's eye from the angel he's looking at me and I can't help but think of how gross I must look; double chin, nasty hair, dull eyes...yep, that's me.
Sometimes, we will be face-to-face having a conversation and my mind will trail off to how awful I must look right now, how unattractive and unsexy...Sometimes, I can't even bare it and I will catch myself somehow trying to shield my face, whether that be by my hair or a blanket or my phone, trying to hide my double chin and pimply, red face.
I know I must think of myself better, and I really do try to sometimes. Every now and then I'll feel pretty, but it's rare. On the days I have work I just throw whatever simple makeup on that I have and go about my day looking like a slob (to me at least), and even on days where I really try to put forth the way I look, it's so hot outside, the heat just melts off and smears my makeup, so honestly what is even the point of wearing it at all?
Recently I've had a thought and a realization; my husband does not look at me the same way I look at myself. I know without a doubt, my husband loves me. I can see it in his eyes and the way he looks at me. I can see how much he loves and cares and wants me with his actions and words.
He's kind enough to know and understand that I think horribly of myself, and is so soft around my rough edges when it comes down to it. I have a very loud and overwhelming voice in my head every day that tells me horrible things and I argue with it and most of the time, I always let it win. But I'm hoping to try and change that.
Once you start having a set mindset, you mold to it and become what you think you are. I know deep down that I'm not really a fat, disgusting slob, and I know that's not how my husband views me.
Iam really unnecessarily sensitive about certain things. Sometimes, when I feel like I'm being annoying to him or if he just seems frustrated or comes out and says I am (which he rarely ever does, he does a good job at putting up with my shit, lol), then it literally takes everything in me not to start crying. And then I'll hear that dumb little voice in my head telling me to stop being so needy, stop being so annoying, that I'm stupid, I'm not even being funny, I need to stop thinking I can be funny, etc.
If you're reading this and you're in the same boat with me, whether it be your wife or your husband, just know that in all reality, your spouse does not view you as you view yourself. If they really, truly love you, like I know my husband does, then all of those lies in your head are just that; lies.
You must unlearn the thought that you're not wanted and ugly to your partner. It's time to make room for love and acceptance for yourself. Mental health is so important. And I'm trying to be nicer to myself.
I'm unlearning to hate and despise everything about me and start seeing the beauty, start seeing the way my husband sees me and the way that God sees me. It's a work in progress and I'm hoping to be better.