My girlfriend died..
I think this is one of the loneliest feelings life can hand you.
On the 28th of April 2018 is the last time Jessica used the electronic swipe card device to enter her apartment. She was gorgeous and young, had just turned 24 on the 1st of January but we were having serious problems. Jess had a very traumatic and uncaring childhood which I will only detail so much as well as her life and our relationship as to respect her memory and family purely out of my own moral line as I have no respect for theirs as it is incredibly low. To her mother, I have some small level of understanding why on earth you could be so careless and leave this beautiful soul in a world of hell as a child. For informational purposes Jessica and myself are from Melbourne City, Australia.
I wouldn't officially know about the first time I met Jessica until about 6 months into our relationship when she would tell me about the encounter we had, I am a musician and have had some decent levels of success more so 5 or so years back in Australia and Melbourne in particular. She was a long time fan of the stuff I had put out, she also hung out in some similar circles so always knew of me. I just happened to be one of her favourite artists in the country. One time her and the partner of someone I used to collaborate with were walking through Grey St, St Kilda.. I was near the corner of Fitzroy and Grey St's getting a kebab from the shop there and they came past. My friends girl at the time stopped and started talking to me and I remember seeing this gorgeous blue eyed little shorty standing there with her, smiling up at me without trying to interrupt our conversation and I said quietly (but loud enough so Jess could hear it) Who is that cutie!? This stuck with her, as I said she knew who I was already and was incredibly flattered. What I would give to go back to any of these moments I cant even say. All I can remember after that is them walking off and nothing coming of it but that was her, that was the girl that would leave an indelible mark of pure joy and tragic sadness on my life forever. My memory is shocking due to being prescribed tonnes of Xanax through most of my 20's but I remember this small interaction so clearly because for once in my life I was being entirely genuine and not just trying to get lucky. I really wanted to know who she was and it seems destiny was at play, why it turned out this way probably wont ever make sense until I leave this place myself but until then it will haunt me as long as I live.
Jess and I had some incredible syncronistic and just downright strange events happen in our relationship that I will try to explain here. As Jessica was mainly raised by the state in abusive group housing in between brief and mainly traumatic stays with her biological family she didnt really have people in her life, well no one she could really count on besides a social worker. All except one very close friend who deserves all her love. They are almost exactly the same but the exact opposite at the same time. It's a bittersweet thing. I say this to explain the point that Jess didnt really have anyone to turn to. For the 2 years that we got to spend basically every day together it was just me and her. There was no one else and as you will find this was the cause to some horrible things that should just never happen to any young person. It would break my heart from the very beginning and I am really not the type to try and save a girl. I hate relationships. Have never wanted to be in one, bar my first and that was a short lived feeling. I really truly loved Jessica. I went 27 years on the planet before actually knowing what it felt like and I have been in multiple long term relationships and had way more flings than I could even name anymore. It just goes hand in hand with doing music and living that kind of life. A past at the age 27 I was trying to leave behind but its remanence proved for a lot of problems between me and Jess.. I have never and know I will never meet another girl who sees the world so similar, that loves me like nothing else. It plagues me every day. Jessica has one close friend in the world who I will call Claudia for all intensive purposes. She was the only voice of reason when Jess was having a breakdown I could not calm, or a girly problem I couldn't relate to as they had close to 10 yrs of just about sisterhood between them.. Even a short lived fling. Yes, Jess liked girls. A lot! Especially Japanese. But besides that, most people have some sort of foundational support group. Before me all Jessica really had was Claudia.
So, this is already feeling good to type about knowing that someone might read it and try to understand as I have said, I dont really have anyone to share these stories with and it is very hard living every day knowing she is gone and no one else really cares. It is horrible. It is like I had this beautiful life with the most special person I could imagine and now it never happened. Just something I imagined, a dream. Sure my mother got to know her a bit and some of my friends but we kept to ourselves.. We loved each others company and thats it. We both saw the same problems in the world. There was something in her that I have only found in one other person who was a close friend that has also passed. Another thing I need to mention is that I have lost so many people. Friends, family, close and distant. Some say death is part of a Scorpio's burden but is usually just a fascination theme not a reoccurring reality. I would have to sit and think about all the funerals I have been to, to be able number them also. I have been to numerous funerals since, (in less than two years :( .. ) that of very close friends who I love yet I am feeling quite numb to it by now.. Nothing will ever hurt like losing Jessica. The situation we were in before she passed was painful enough for me. I never imagined to be in love like this I never knew this could be me but I loved it and I know although I have hinted to the dark side it probably sounds like there was barely a problem, but there was serious issues. Jess had been abused and raised mainly by the state, emotionally destroyed by her family, no self esteem and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and it would kill me that she couldn't see her own worth, her talent and outstanding way of being truly human which most people seem to have lost. Although she didnt really like making friends she could make anyone smile and my lord could she dance. I tried quite hard to convince her to do classes, she would of been the best in and who knows what this could of done for her self esteem. I hope in some reality she is the star I always told her she was and not that she wasn't but if only other people could appreciate and see what I did. If anyone has first hand experience with BPD and even understands it yet then you will understand how frustrating, hopeless and complicated it can become. Wherever you are baby I know you didnt mean it and I wish I was more prepared to deal with it, god knows I tried so hard.
So, back to when we met.. When we officially met! Jess had added me on Facebook as many people do and I can tell by their group of friends whether it is because of the music I make but I was genuinely drawn to look at her profile properly and pay attention to her statuses which to begin is out of character, there was just something about her which I know now but still have no idea what drew me in then, she didnt have many photos or anything. Something inside me knew something I still dont.. Maybe fate. See you need to know how out of character every bit of this is for me. I wasted so much time trying to make that clear to her when I should have just been loving her without having to make a deal out of it. I just wanted her to know that she was special. This was not typical, it was actual magic this girl was actually from my dreams and had no idea. Or maybe she did all along and the jokes on me. All I know is that I have never felt such urgency to love, take care and look after someone in my life and she didnt believe it either. She could not believe that this guy, whos music she knew the words to just came and met her from Facebook completely randomly one morning and didnt want to leave. She told me more than once that she asked the universe for it to happen..
There is so much to this and I honestly dont know how to start at it or how much I should put in but I am going to be quite raw about it. Jess was working in brothels, shooting drugs and living in a share house situation which was frequented by people going in and out of jail, prostitutes, mentally ill people the whole lot all of them, every shady type you could imagine in a city. They were separate, self contained rooms but it was not a good situation for a young absolutely gorgeous girl to be in. I have had my own struggles and have known so many people in similar situations but never met someone who was entirely alone in this way. Just nowhere and no one to turn to. I have known a lot of hardened criminals or just straight out stornch people but no one, and I really mean NO ONE as tough as my Jessica. As I write this my heart just breaks over and over again but at the same time it is therapeutic and I really do hope some people can follow and relate to it somehow. Her story must be a precedent for something, it must be told, she had so much purpose and she cant leave without it being known. This is barely the beginning. Anyway I stayed with her in this place and my concern was growing everyday. She could not keep living like this. She was crying out for help without showing it at all. To tough, to much pride and I would not leave her side for the next week or even two but there was a serious problem I picked up on instantly. She couldn't help argue over irrational things, its not that she wanted to she just couldn't help it. Later she would tell me that when I meet her mother I will understand where this came from, unfortunately this never really got to happen properly but I will get to that. All of this aside I knew this attitude really wasn't going to fly with me but I was already obsessed. I already knew I was in love more than I had ever been and I could see this girl just needed some guidance but at this point I knew we had just met and I needed to get a breather as all of these feeling were flooding me at once and I was just to used to never caring, I was always blunt and upfront and have never been a cheater but I would tell girls how it was, do the thing and leave. Always all sorts of friends with benefits situations as long term just never fit me. Now I know, like right now and it hurts so much that this was the girl I could of spent my life with, there was just a lot of work to do and trauma to brake thru. She is truly the only girl I have met like that in my whole life. But as I was saying there was many problems (also something I would usually go far out of my way to avoid with anyone, but in this case ran in head first) Jess was manically depressed and truly suicidal if I didnt come into her life then she certainly would of not been around much longer to begin, honestly as much loss as I feel somewhere I know that I was so lucky just to have had the time with her that I did and the only place I find any rest in the matter is that she is finally at peace, away from this wicked place. When I was leaving she told me she was going to the church to pray, in the city, at night and she was not really religious like that. I had to go at this stage I couldn't stop her, we had just met and spent a week together and this was still before we were set in stone. She was not insane at all she just really needed someone and I was willing to be that by all means but I had to leave not only to gather my thoughts but I also at this point had plans, tickets and had to leave the city to visit my father interstate for just over a week. In the time that I left and headed off to see my father Jessica went missing. Since leaving her I was already looking up every avenue possible in which I could help her get some form of help that I thought I wasn't capable of. Something deep, even spiritual at the end of the day all she needed like anyone else is genuine love and for her I had never ending amounts but I had to leave the city and I feared for her safety and whereabouts. Whilst staying with my father I remember feeling so helpless that for the first time in my life I wrote a prayer, for her, in the desperate hope she was safe and sound. After a few days my emotions went between absolute worry and thinking she was off with someone else already. On returning to Melbourne I received a message from Jessica's best and only true friend in the world "Claudia" who I had earlier mentioned. Claudia informed me that Jessica was in the Alfred Hospital in the psychiatric ward and she had been through a major breakdown.
Whilst writing this I start to remember being quite apprehensive on whether I should really pursue this further, makes me feel guilty. I knew very well that this girl had a lot of issues and as sweet and uniquely beautiful she was to me in particular as I said previously, I never liked being in relationships. I am very loyal and I hate the jealousy, double standards not to mention I just love my own solitude in general but this girl. I dreamt of Jessica as a child just as she had asked the universe for me. We were made for each other. As a kid I was reading a music mag. I think it must have been one of the first ever Earthcore bush rave adverts and it had this animation of this perfectly shaped (IMO) short, blonde, doof fairy and I have always had a big thing for these little rave fairies you see when your out at these weekend bush parties. But this was as a child before I ever encountered one or even knew what a rave was, maybe it set my taste but this picture was of Jessica. There is no other way I would want to explain it. Before Jessica became drawn into the lifestyle of prostitution and shooting heavy drugs she would escape her misery by going to these festivals and dressing up just like the picture of HER I found and kept in a safe box for years when I was 7-9 years old. She was my dream girl and we were destined to cross paths and this is one of many more even more perplexing coincidences that made us. Anyway, regardless of my apprehension all of these fate like things where churning in my head and it was not long before I was making arrangements to go and visit Jessica in the hospital. When I got there she was heavily drugged up. It was completely fucking criminal but I guess this is just how these things go.. She had been hallucinating. She thought some of the nurses were singers from the music that we had seen playing on the T.V music channel during the time we spent at hers. She was all alone, crying, surrounded by actual mental patients in this fuckin psych ward.. No one was coming for her.. No one, as I write this my heart brakes and tears fall everywhere. I held her so tight and told her theres no way I was gonna leave here there. There is no way anyone is gonna leave her like this again as far as I knew.. I was there, I was hers and over the next week or so I would visit her everyday as she slowly came back to reality out of the drug haze they put her in. I would come to learn how she ended up in the hospital, Jessica wanted to paint her room in the share house so she approached the landlord at the place where she lived, he came in with the paint and while he offered his help he had ill intentions and tried to take advantage of Jess. Due to the things she had experienced in her life I could see she didnt know how to take this kind of behaviour from men. As a girl is she meant to accept it? Is that why she is here? How are you supposed to learn these things without solid figures in your life from young to teach you!? This led to her flipping out and the police being called after which SHE was deemed the problem and taken to the psych ward and then stabbed in the backside with what they call a DEPO INJECTION.. It is used for heavily skitzophrenic people who are having episodes.. Jess had just been assaulted by someone she asked for help and because she reacted badly as anyone would she was locked in a room and drugged up by strangers in coats. So much has happened since this that I completely forgot about this fucking scum bag but never had my revenge. While reading this do not forget how alone this girl was. NO ONE to turn to. We had only just met and I can guarantee she didnt trust me yet. But she believed I cared and you better bet I did! She was just in awe that someone would take the time out to show her the love that I did. The saddest part about that is that no one should be so alienated that they don't even know what being loved is, she really never experienced anyone caring for her like I did. I remember how in awe she was the first time I bought her jewellery as no one had ever done anything like it before. Surely you can see her picture. She was beautiful. How does this happen!? And why is she dead less than 3 yrs later.. Anyway, writing this entry alone has exhausted me. It is more than an emotional rollercoaster and I will continue to tell her story as well as my own but it is not going to be easy. I think about her intensely every day. I wake up and she is gone.. We were together for two years but the last times I seen her was spent crying and screaming going through every range of emotion. I have not yet begun to explain our relationship.. Only our meeting and some vital details you will need to understand to follow. It is almost approaching 2 yrs since we met and to me that feels like her funeral all over again.. I will of been here longer than we knew each other without her.. I cannot even think to describe how lonely this make me feel. Sorry to end this part on such a dark note but it is a dark story and it has happened to me and to be honest I dont know what to do . This is one way I can reach out. I cannot afford expensive therapy or anything like that. I guess if I see it finding its way to enough readers I will continue to tell the story of Jessica Sky <3 01.01.1994 - 28.04.2018 My baby, my shining star. I hope your watching over and looking out for me and I know I am far from perfect but all I want is to honour you blossom.. R.I.P