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My Friend Karen

Toxic Friendships

By H MartinPublished 5 years ago 7 min read
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Friends come and go. It's just a fact of life. Sometimes we age out of each other, move away from another, grow apart, or have falling outs. All we can hope is to keep a good group of close friends around us, they help us get through life. But, if you're anything like me you have that one friend that you just can't seem to get rid of. She comes and goes in and out of my life, I can never quite get her to just stay away from me, but when she's around, I embrace her in all of her hot mess status. She is after all my oldest friend. I've known her since I was a teen, she's been there with me through everything I've ever been through, so I can't just say good bye. Unfortunately, whenever she's around she's fine in small increments, but she usually overstays her welcome. But how to you tell an old friend to kindly fuck off? I don't want to her he feelings after all... and yet... why do I care so much about her feelings?

Let me tell you more about her. Her name is Karen, like I said I've known her since I was a teenager, but really I've known her my whole life. It was just in my teens that we became close. She wasn't my best friend, but she was always just sort of there. If I couldn't hang out with any of my other friends, she would be there. If I was having a bad day, she would be there. We didn't talk a lot, we just were. She was never around when it was time to celebrate the good things though. But whenever something bad would happen, there she was. Sometimes I would just be in that medium stage where everything was neither bad or good, it just was, and she was there with me.

I was struggling with my sexuality, but I had started dating a guy that my family loved, he seemed to be everything a good christian girl should want. She would always tell me how I wasn't really happy with him, but I should just take what I could get anyways, because I wasn't a super great person anyways and probably couldn't do any better. Plus she enjoyed pointing out that if I was married I could ignore my sexuality, keep that down, and not have to deal with a possible falling out if I chose to come out. I could just keep living my lie and get on with life. I did think that I loved him, and in a childish way maybe I did. But I did know I wasn't happy. I knew I had to come out and live my truth, but she was right. This would be easier. She was an asshole about it though. But I listened to her anyways, I knew she would be there for me when I needed her so I could just keep living my miserable lie. So I got married. Karen hung around. She would go with me to the gym, to the bar, she would lay around and watch TV with me all day and somewhere in there I would work. I met new friends, people I enjoyed more than her to be honest, but she was just there. She got more intense, I just wanted her to leave me alone. She kept telling me how I wasn't good enough. She would remind me of my misery, but also pointing out that I didn't deserve better anyways. I began hating her, and yet she could also be so comforting. I knew she was unhealthy for me to let her stay, but when I got my DUI and finally accepted that I was becoming an alcoholic, she stayed with me. I think she enjoyed my pain, because as I was dealing with my fresh sobriety she started getting angrier with me. I was trying to do better for myself and heal my mind, but she would just remind me that I was in the place that I was because of myself. I was the only one to blame. I wanted her to die, but she was my oldest friend. The only one that stood by my side. When my mom got cancer, she was there to just remind me hey this is life, it's ok to be miserable right now. As my mom got worse she was a comfort. Reminding me that even though I felt so alone, I wasn't. I had her after all. When my mom died I wanted to shut myself off from the world. I did a pretty good job, but she was still talking to me every single day. A year after my mom died, I was realizing I was developing feelings for someone. She was a beautiful soul. I couldn't get enough of her. And I was finally starting to realize that I didn't want to be married anymore. I couldn't keep up the lie. I had to live my truth. I had to leave my husband. I didn't leave my husband so I could be with her, I left him because I couldn't keep living in the misery. I was wanting to die and needed out. So I moved out. Karen moved with me. The first month of moving out was very difficult. But Karen was there, she wasn't very helpful however. Like I said, she enjoyed my misery. It was toxic. As I settled in to my new life, dating the love of my life while dealing with the emotions of divorce, Karen was getting pissed because I just didn't need her around. I was over the top happy with my new love, truly the happiest I've ever felt in my life. So I ignored Karen. She hated it so much. She kept trying to work her way back into my life, and dammit she succeeded. She kept telling me now I didn't deserve to be happy with my new life. She did her best to destroy it. And in a lot of ways, she did. I'm sitting here a year later, no longer dating my girlfriend. We're friends, but no longer together. Which is heartbreaking, I want to be with her, but the timing is just bad. She has other things to worry about right now other than me. But you know who is here? You know who has time for me? Fucking Karen. Here she is, reminding me that she was telling me all along that we would break up. She was right all along that toxic bitch. But Karen won't leave. I'm in therapy trying to find ways to get her to go away and leave me alone. But the thing is, she can't. I want her to leave but still find comfort in her so I will never truly be rid of her. After all.... she is me. Karen is that voice in my head telling me to drive my car off a bridge. Karen is the pull of a bottle of vodka. Karen is that thought of just driving head on into traffic and ending it all. Karen is the personification of my depression. Karen is that soul crushing feeling in my chest making me want to cut everyone out of my life, wanting me to feel alone, because I am alone, right? No one else is going to be there for me all the time the way she is right? Karen is my truth. Well, that's what she wants me to believe anyways.

I still try to rid myself of her, but I've also come to peace with the fact that she will always be a part of me. But I can learn how to cope. I can learn how to spot her "truth" and call bullshit on her. I can always strive for happiness and peace. And at the end of it all I can know that everything I've done, was not because of her, but in spite of her. So Karen? Fuck you.

humanity
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About the Creator

H Martin

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