I’m crying on the floor in the office, in a house that I share with a guy I don’t love. It’s a bad snowstorm. We’ve been stuck inside for four days... we haven’t left the house even once. He doesn’t look at me like that, I don’t excite him, I’m a burden.
We didn’t have sex in those four days, we are newlyweds it hasn’t even been a year. He can hear me crying, he just puts the volume up on his video games. They become deafening... gun shots, explosions... death. I’m walking zombie. My hopeless romantic self was being ripped out of me! I need touch to survive.
Every day, this guy would call me ugly, fat, and stupid. After a while. The emotional abuse. you start to believe it. It is a sexless marriage. I must look disgusting. I’m an idiot cuz I can’t figure it out. A good wife would know what to do.
(yell) “no one wanted to hear your voice”
so, I stopped singing. Singing is my soul talking. I feel authentic when I sing. When I songwrite. It all comes to naturally to me. It’s like breathing.
I thought u were the love
The love from up above
But I found out
It wasn’t true
I never thought
It would easy for you
To play with my heart
Let me explain:
I was 25 and my relationship was dead and I was getting married. I even made threats I wouldn’t come to the wedding. But I wanted the big huge celebration! I was already too deep. I was so depressed I needed something to distract me from my sadness and that something was a wedding.
The day of the wedding, it was a beautiful day in May. It was sunny, you didn’t need a jacket. It was a comfortable 23 degrees. It was perfect. Picture perfect. My red grown sparkled in the sun as he spun me for that perfect shot. The reception was magic, such an illusion. Dancing all night, smiles, laughing, and the colours. I was optimistic, maybe he would change...
So, fast-forward, we been married for two years, I’m in such a deep depression that I’m suicidal. Sex is four times a year... I keep begging and begging for intimacy, but it just ends with me balling on the floor after he tells me
(yell) “no one wants to fuck you, not even me”
So, I did the most irrational thing, I got pregnant, I was so lonely and scared I was gonna kill myself, that I was gonna have a baby with someone I didn’t love at all.
when my sex life went to zero. He blamed it on the pregnancy then our daughter. I dived into the most depressed I've ever been. And then the abuse took a turn.
He choked me, he pushed me backyards. 20 feet down the hallway, I was holding my 6-month-old daughter.
I remember my ears going numb. He can attack me while I’m holding her? I had no idea what he said or why it started. So, when he let go, I just slowly put her in her crib... then I sat in a corner and cried. Waiting for the day to end... I fell asleep on her carpet floor.
I was a walking zombie. That was my life. As I said I was the walking dead. No one knew anything. So, no sex at all, no holding hands, no kisses, no hugs. No nothing.
(yell) “you’re weak” “you’re so fucking weak”
I’m balling on the floor on my knees.
(yell) “I can’t believe you. Fucking idiot”
(yell) “you’re pathetic!”
(yell) “You should kill yourself”
He goes upstairs
Then my 1 old daughter comes to me wipes my tears and said something that changed my life
(baby talk) “you not happy mummy, no live with daddy, you go”
It’s like a light went off in my head. She can see this? She understands its wrong? I couldn’t think straight! How did I let this happen?
I put my baby’s head in my chest and rocked back and forth.
Silence. I had to be brave now. Thinking about what to do while I rocked her to sleep.
My baby girl.
I broke the cycle for you.
You don’t have to see a toxic father hurt your mum like I did!
You will see your mum as bawse lady
You will see your mum smiling
You will see your mum laughing
I broke the cycle for you.
My divorce is my gift to you.