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My battle

Hopeless

By RavenPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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I remember as a child I always prayed because we grew up with many with many different teachingsin my family. Even with all the toxicity and dysfunction faith was strong. They somehow believed and taught us to look to him when lost. As a child growing up I could not understand for the life of me why did was I chosen to go throw all the things that were happening to me. As an also sent it just got worse, I can say that I had lost faith and hope. I thought to myself how can someone that is so good, can let a child live a life like this. How can someone hear my cries and not help me, then at sixteen I wanted it all to end.

I sat in my bedroom feeling like what was the point of living, that everything I touched turned to shit and I could not understand why. I was sixteen years old in a relationship with a person who used my past against me to have his way. I was sucked in life without a way out of the same oh shit, so I didn’t think twice and I just cut. Lucky for me that it was the wrong way, as the blood flowed out of my wrist and onto my lap. I closed my eyes and said to myself “here you go, now take me away from all of this pain, all of this heartbreak, away from this life that I don’t want to live in anymore”. The tears ran down my face and all of a sudden, there in my room stood the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, then a comforting voice spoke to me. It said to me, “you are not forgotten . All that have has happened to you is seen and it helped build the strength to keep going”. I was having a conversation with myself and replied no i haven’t, i have not been given any strength because I cannot live this life anymore. The voice reached out to touch me and said “you will move on from this to help others and you will be good at it, you will find the strength given to it is inside of you. You were born to receive wonderful things in life “like what “a life full of riches and not only the kind that will be your blessing earthly ones as well, this is a promise ”. Then the bleeding stopped and the dream stopped.

As I faced more trials and tribulations along my path, set back after set back and not by lack of trying. I finally end up working in social services and have been for over 20 years. I went back to school and got my degrees, however, my blessing were yet to come. I was alone and felt alone, I had no family support and no real friends to turn to. Still to this day, I don’t friends, I may have maybe one or two that have been through some things with me. I keep people away from my private life I only share things that will help others or make a person think. I don’t judge others because I am far from perfect and my blessings did come. I have my spouse who at times is the cause of most of my doubt and pain, but that is because he is being worked on . I have my beautiful children who are the very best blessings I could have ever gotten and I have my job. I like helping people and this is my calling, every time I move on and it has not been many places five to be exact.

However, I struggle every day with my faith, life continues to throw roadblocks in my path, and trust me it is hard to gather up the strength to not just quit. Quitting is easier than having to continue to push forward. I tried to keep my children at the forefront of my mind and remember the courage and strength they give me. I still doubt of the promises made long ago and still lose faith that I am going to be alright. I pray to be able to continue on this strength. I was told that is in me, and that it keeps me going long enough to raise my babies’. I challenged every day, I question him every day and I remind him of his promised that has not come to pass. I also thank him for my blessing, so all I can do is keep trying even on my hardest days.

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About the Creator

Raven

Life has a funny way of coming back full circle is what I have learned. I write for inner peace and in shared my written words i hope to heal, teach and inspire others.

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