I fucking get advice from here and there. Do I ever listen well I take it with a grain of salt. At this moment in time and space I wish I had taken advice. Feeling foolish, blind, and in love I hung on. Even when my body and mind were against it. I hung on for dear life in hopes that he would see how much I loved him and would I guess maybe change his ways. I know better than to try to change anyone I do not know why I hung on for so long. He just had a grip on me. I have a bad habit of falling hard for these undeserving men. The typical cliche toxic relationships woman falls hard for man. Man is ungrateful and woman feels unappreciated then speaks about it man gets angry, says it’s her fault then Denys anything he does gaslighting her to think she is crazy. After this point in the relationship you feel so fucking drained and weak and undeserving of what little love he is willing to throw at you. He would not even argue with me that’s how much of his energy was spent on me. Nothing. Ignoring anything I ever said. I fell in love with the man because he used to say he loved that I talked and he would listen. It got to a point where I could see it in his eyes he never wanted me there, he couldn’t wait for me to go. Let me tell you it was the worst feeling in the world. If I could get any insight from a man why he would stay with someone that he could not stand being around it would help me with closure. It made me think of the “water experiment”, conducted by Dr. Masaru Emoto. He had 3 flasks with rice and water. The first one he spoke wonderful words, the second one he spoke horrible words, the third was completely ignored. The worst one ended up being the ignored one. Being that we are made up of mostly water, well u can do the math. It made me feel so terrible so much worse then getting choked or hit by someone you love so much. I hear him constantly yelling obscenities all night with his boo thang. My imagination or not. I have a strong feeling it’s real, but the only thing that makes me question is. If he didn’t even put any energy into us in our relationship what makes me think he would waste his gas and time on me. My mind cannot fathom it, I must be going insane. Always expecting a different outcome.
I no longer can let that definition define my life. I cannot let him disrespect me and make me feel like I am last to know. I have been so unhappy hanging on to any glimpse of the man I fell in love with. That man no longer exists I learned this. He wants to be acting like he single while I stay true to him. I wish I had fucked around so I would not feel like such an idiot. I went against my intuition I could have saved myself from a lot of heartache and wrinkles. I’m so fucking hardheaded and think they will change for me. I disgust myself. Now I need to work on forgiving myself for allowing this. I need to accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong with falling in love with someone. I need to work on falling in love with myself again. Finding balance between exchanging energy equally with a partner and stop giving if I am not receiving, because all it did was kill a portion of my heart and soul. Was it worth it? I would have to say yes I would do it again if I had to. I am in love with how we fell in love the fact that I could even love again was worth everything in its self. I will always have love for this man. I just cannot withstand his outlook on how woman let alone a partner, should be treated. Loving from afar seems like the better idea for now it’s too painful to be close to this man. I am grateful for him always. I have learned so much about myself and was reminded how strong I am that I can fall down and pick myself up dust my clothes and continue this journey we call life.
About the author
Hello I live in the desert hiding in the shade from the beautiful powerful sun in az. I’ve lived all over southwest I dig experiences meeting new peeps and music is life. I am a nomad,I go where the wind takes me I’mhoping it blows me east.